I was drawn to a trauma healing course on Insight Timer (not affiliated, sharing because I l love this app). I have repetitive nightmares with some people and situations, and so I was intending in the last few days to heal traumatic experiences with those people that I felt betrayed and hurt by.
Last night before falling asleep, I listened to the first lesson and meditation. I am not sure if this happened before, in between or after, but I suddenly felt love towards these people.
Those were humans that were all dear to me. It happened before, that in between feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, desire to prove them wrong and what not, I sometimes just felt love and gratitude for them.
And usually my mind would go “No, I don’t want to feel love towards these people, because I was hurt for loving them. I don’t want to feel anything about them. I want to forgive and move on already. I want to feel indifferent about them, not even thinking about them. Why am I still thinking about these people? They are for sure not thinking about me anymore. They don’t deserve my attention. Bla bla bla.”
But the last night I could almost touch that soft love I felt in my chest. And I realised it is my love. It is my love to feel.
This ball of love belongs to me.
It is mine.
Yes, I felt it in relation with those people and sometimes in relationships I have with them in my mind I still do…
Yet that love was always inside of me.
I don’t need to deny myself being in the state of love because of a few hurt people who hurt me.
That feeling of love that I thought was something I experienced with them, was something that I carried around. I can enjoy it. For me. With me. As me. Mmmm.
(I’m having this feeling now where the words on screen seem hard, comparing to the softness I feel inside, stupid, comparing to the deep felt wisdom of the insight, limiting, comparing to the spaciousness, obvious, comparing to the wonder this brought to me).
I slept without waking up and woke up feeling rest(or)ed. Was it love or was it ashwagandha I took after a long time? Probably both.