There’s this one person in my life with whom I tried for the majority of my life to build a relationship. To find a connection. To build a sense of companionship. To be there for that person.
I tried again and again to not feel hurt, to forgive fast. To accept that I will probably not receive from that person what I so craved to receive from them and show up with love anyway.
It felt with that person as though me being me, was always somehow offending them.
I tried talking with them. Asking questions. Being silent. Doing and giving.
And it didn’t work.
They always found something they could judge about me. About how I do things. What things I do. What I don’t. How I live.
It impacted my other relationships. But especially my relationship with myself. It made me feel super self-conscious. I internalised their voice. I could do something that is completely fine, that doesn’t hurt anyone, that some would even respect, and I would turn it against me in some way. I projected their voice on other people. I expected other people to judge me harshly, to say mean things about me behind my back.
I did the inner work. I read books. I went to workshops. I searched for the missing puzzle. What can I do differently, how can I show up differently? What can I fix in my energy? All in a hope that energy would start flowing in this relationship.
It didn’t work. My other relationships improved, but not that one.
At some point I gave up. I went no contact.
My life improved.
I no longer had to focus on improving that relationship.
It became much easier to focus on the relationship I have with myself. And it improved so much.
I felt stupid at times for letting that one relationship determine so much of my life.
Why did I waste so much time trying?
And then last week in a coaching session, my coach acknowledged me for trying. And I started crying. That loud crying, where you feel all the hurt, and you feel the relief, and all the relief you feel makes you see how much hurt was frozen in there. That cry where you feel all that hurt. And it does hurt. But at the same time crying feels the most right thing to do at the moment, there’s nothing you would rather do than just allow yourself to cry.
And I started seeing how I tried so much in that relationship, how I cared so much. And I started appreciating my care, I started to appreciate myself for all that trying. All the energy I invested.
As she acknowledged me for my trying, I felt seen and recognised. For the first time somebody saw my effort. And I started appreciating it myself. How much I putted into that relationship.
I also noticed, how in some other areas of my life I am trying. Or I did try in the past. There were things where I invested lots of energy, but didn’t get the results that would feel proportional. And I felt defeated.
But now I can appreciate myself for trying my best.
Trying can sometimes have a bad reputation. I read somewhere, a long time ago that you shouldn’t say “I’ll try,” if you want to get the result. As though trying implies some weakness. That you should decide and instead saying “I’ll try X” say “I will do X.”
Because I didn’t get the result I wanted, I thought I did something wrong, as though I didn’t do the right thing that would improve that relationship. Or a business, a project, an endeavour. And I felt kind of angry at all the things I’ve tried. I felt angry at myself for wasting all that energy on something that didn’t bring me a desired result.
If I could go back in time with what I know now, I would still try and do my best at some things. Even do I didn’t get what I wanted, I got an interesting experience, maybe met new people, shared some moments in time with others.
And for some other things I tried, if could go back in time, I wouldn’t care that much. I would not give them so much of my time, so much of my effort, so much of my energy.
But I am willing to appreciate myself for all my effort, for all my trying. If it wasn’t appreciated by others, doesn’t mean I cannot appreciate it (and myself with it) myself.
I felt, by the end of that session, as though a whole new chapter opened in my life.
A chapter where I start appreciating myself for my work, the effort I put in, my stubborn willingness to try again and again. Still wanting the results, of course, but knowing that I am worthy of my own respect even when I don’t achieve what I want, when I want.
Or at least I will try 😉
Is there something in your life where you keep on trying and keep on getting disappointed? Is there someone in your life that doesn’t recognise the value of what you bring? What would it look like to acknowledge your own effort, your willingness to try again and again, your quest for solutions? What would it feel like to respect yourself for trying, if you get the desired result or not? What would it feel like if you would look at yourself and all the things you tried, succeed at and failed at and felt tremendous amount of admiration and compassion? 💖
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I still have free spots for 1:1 coaching in my calendar. If you want a coach who can celebrate with you when the things are going good and see you as fully and completely lovable even when the things in your life are not moving as fast as you want and you are freaking frustrated at yourself (and sometimes the whole world), apply for a free discovery session. Fill in the form and schedule a call (via Google Meet, we can record it, so you can rewatch it for extra value).
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