[From my journal]: My inner environment reflecting in outer experiences

Published Categorised as Letters from Anita

So, this is what is coming through me today.

I realised in my morning meditation, and this is something that my higher self is communicating to me for a long time, yet it gets my attention every time and I get it on a whole new level (or maybe I am not getting it, if it repeats itself all the time, ahaha, lol :D)… I realised that in my base-ment, at the first chakra, I still carry my childhood home, my childhood experiences, the deep feelings of fear and unsafety. I was taught to respect my parents and grandparents and other authority figures, and 60% of that respect was actually fear. Fear of punishment, if I am not a good girl, if I don’t help my mother and if I think too good of myself. Add on top of that religious programming, which made me believe I am worthless and a shameful human being, despite being just a normal kid.

I also saw how my brother (he is three years older and he was never a protective brother, he used to beat me when I was child and shame me in front of our group of friends, always trying to push me out) is still kind of residing there in my first chakra.

I realised why so many times in my semi grown up years I sabotaged myself when life started going well. I did not feel safe to be loved and have my life going well and receive good things (like admiration, money, success), because as a kid, I was the shiny one and my brother was always envious of me.

“Anita gets everything. Anita doesn’t have to work for anything, everything is easy for her.”

When parents don’t make sure to show all their children love (LOTS OF LOVE), children start to compete for it. Your siblings are, instead of your playmates, your competitors.

And this becomes internalized.

I have internalised so many different messages through all of this.

For example, I internalised that things coming easy for me, makes me unworthy of those things. I used to be a top student in school and this was mostly coming easy for me. Yes, I did the work that was necessary, but comparing to my classmates, school was easy for me. On one hand, I was proud of myself, I knew I was intelligent, smart. I was always curious, loved reading and was good at connecting the dots. But this all came so naturally to me. And because other kids (and my brother) had to put in a lot of effort, to get half of the result I got with ease, I developed feelings of being a fraud early on.

I started to feel that because it wasn’t hard of me, I don’t deserve it. I felt like I am somehow cheating the system.

I once got a bad grade at physics. I really didn’t put any effort in it and I was in those years where I was way more thinking about the boys during a class than about physics.
In Slovenia, grades in primary school are from 1-5, one being “not enough” and 5 being “excellent”. My average on the topic was 3. Which is “good”. But for me anything below 5 was bad, lol. I also remember my teacher being confused what’s going on with me. So, me and my best friend both got a chance of improving that grade (guess we were both distracted at the time). We’ve learned together and improved our grades. I got 5. And it felt like a best 5 I ever got. I knew I earned it. I’ve put in the work, the grind. Like you are supposed to. It felt like an honest 5. And it was also like a team effort with my best friend, we did it together.

While I still fucking love, when I put in the work and I get the results and especially love when I can collaborate with people and we all put in the work and feel comradery, I feel at the moment sad for how I disqualified my gifts and talents, all the things that are easy for me as somewhat unworthy of being praised, acknowledged and paid for.

It reminds me of a woman, who gets praised for what a beautiful dress she wears, how it suits her and she says “Oh that thing, I got it for free.” Like getting it for free somehow devalues it, takes away the beauty and the value of the dress for her.

So I felt about my gifts. I got them for free, by God/Nature/Universe. I didn’t earn them by hard work. When there was work involved in developing my gifts and talents, it was mostly fun work. The driven, obsessed, playful, fun, joyous, passionate work, the work I was deeply involved in, deeply curious about. The work you want to do more of.

I dunno. I am in the process, for years now, where I am trying to free myself from the must to struggle that was embedded in my family. Where I am letting go of internalised beliefs that not killing myself for the job I hate makes me somehow less worthy of money, and further more, less worthy of feeling like I am good, honest person.

There are new layers. And today, in my morning meditation, I felt the energy of deep calm, of deep inner peace, it felt like I am being embraced and loved. It was like I am giving myself permission, and it is reaching my root, a permission to feel safe, loved and supported by life. Furthermore, I felt it’s time to give myself permission, to be admired. Because I would definitely admire someone who would radiate such a beautiful energy as I felt. It’s safe, it’s safe. To be loved and to live a good life.

It’s safe to wear the gifts that Life gave me for free, with such confidence, as I wear my secondhand dresses. I got them for free, but they are valuable to me, as I know I look good in them and I feel good. It’s time to feel the same about my gifts and talents. I feel good when using them and it’s now safe to feel they are valuable.

And if someone has problem with me doing what feels good, using my Life Given Gifts, well, maybe it’s about time they start showing appreciation for theirs.

And even if they don’t, I am going to love, appreciate, enjoy, use, utilize, monetize etc. mine. Amen.

(I could write so much more about this – especially about other messages I internalised ⇾ that people will envy/hate/attack/despise me, if it seems I have it too easy and the one that I owe them something for having it easier than them and I probably will, but for now, I feel deliciously complete).

P.S.: Ways to work with me at the moment + IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS:


1:1 coaching. I have 3 or 4 spots open for new coaching clients at the moment. If you are creative person with a vision for your life that you want to bring into fruition and you are already leaning into it, living it to some extend but want to step more fully into it and are willing to be seen, heard and loved on a deeper level, let’s play together for next 4 months to a year. Message me at anita@anitapuksic.com and let me know what is your vision. Or start filling in the questionary (in case you want an invoice to your company, please message me first).
+ ANNOUNCEMENT nr. 1: I will raise my prices (for 50% to 100%) in September (or after I fill in open spots, whichever comes first). If you are already my client, don’t worry, current price is locked in for a year. If you want to become my client at current price and lock in the price for a year, you better start writing that email ;). + When you pay for 4 months in advance, you will get additional 15% off (that’s instead of 480€, only 408€ for 4 months aka 16 sessions in case of Visionary Package).
+ ANNOUNCEMENT nr. 2: I am opening up a few spots every Friday for pay what you can coaching. I don’t want money to be in the way of you kickstarting something amazing! And one degree shift on a Friday can change a lot how you feel about Monday(s). You can use Pay What You Can Fridays Coaching up to 4 times.
⇾ You are always welcome to get yourself The Mental Fog Remover, the self-coaching tool I created and that I fucking love to use. Because it gets me into flow every damn time. And I love re-reading the sales page, it’s so good.

DONATE,

so I can keep on sharing my stories and insights with you.

Donate money:  Paypal.Me

Donate crypto: Coinbase Commerce

Things I love and I believe you will love them too:


    I use affiliate links, which means I will earn a small commission when you sign up through my links, without any extra cost for you. Of course, I only recommend the products I am personally satisfied with. 

    By Anita Puksic

    Human since 1990, blogger since 2007, researcher of human's depths, life coach, always learning, INFJ, human design projector, half woo woo, half science anita@anitapuksic.com

    What do you think?

    Your email address will not be published.