It happened more than a year ago. I am probably writing about it now, because my whole body craves the experience at the moment. Repetitive movements of the past few weeks leave my muscles feeling like they can never really relax or if they do, the thought of benting down again causes the pain in the body. I don’t even know anymore if the pain is real or it is creation of my thoughts. Would change of my attitude make the pain go away? Is pain more of the body or is it the pain of my attachments to expectations that I am still trying to hold on to?
I took time for half an hour of yoga last week. I laughed in between as I was trying to catch my balance but couldn’t. I would be embarrased to practice in public. Always, and now even more so. I left out countless deep sighs. I felt a little less on the verge of tears by the end.
Being on the verge of tears is a sign for me, that I am burning out and I need a p a u s e .
I am fantasizing now about that massage. Closing my eyes, taking deep breaths and imagining myself at that table, alone in the room as Valerija left me, so I could enjoy a moment for myself. She kneaded the parts of my body I never felt before. At some parts of my shoulder blades, it felt like she is nurturing my wings with her touch. She said it is a nice experience for her too, because I am lean, and she can clearly feel all those bones underneath her fingertips she cannot feel with those who carry more fat with them.
I gained at least 5 kg since then, so I am not completely sure if she would still feel every bone. About 5 days after that massage, I quit smoking. There was another experience that contributed to quitting, which was of more cognitive nature. But I am sure that main part was done on that massage table.
I felt connected to every tissue of my body. I felt my organs. My fingers. My bones. My skin. That layer outside skin that shines when you look with the inner eye.
I felt my body as a part of me. I felt my body as me. As me that I want to love and nurture and take the best possible care of.
In the last 4 years embodiement is one of the main themes in my life. I remember in summer 2017 I heard from inside myself the sentence “Embody your body”. I wasn’t even sure if embody is the real word. I googled it later.
I am growing in appreciation of my body since then. I already appreciated my body before to some degree. I was grateful for what it provides me. Ability to walk and to make things. I appreciated it’s ability to self-repaire after my self-abuse with things that helped me numb my emotional pain. And yet I somehow felt detached from my body. Maybe it was influence from all the spiritual teachings saying “You are not your body”. Perhaps also influence of watching people close to me destroying their bodies to get work done, appearing strong… and I was secretly hating my body for not being able to keep up. Not so strong, not so flexible, needing time to repair itself. It was probably also about all the trauma stored in my body that I wanted to escape from.
All those memories that started to come up, like they are rising up from tissues that got no attention while the mind was on the rat race mode.
That embodiment journey made me appreciate more subtle states of the body. When I watch my dog breathing, he breathes with his belly, in a nice rhythm. Expansion, contraction. It feels like he is emanating peace from his diaphragm. As I practice the same thing, slowly my fight and flight calms down, my mind stops racing so fast, and it feels like white waves are slowly rocking me to homeostasis. And it feels so right. So peaceful and right.
The second time I went to Valerija for a massage, I cried on the table. The feelings of disgust I stuffed down in order to be polite and not rock a boat were coming out along with anger at the people that overstepped my boundaries. I felt safe as Valerija reassured me I can let my feelings out. I don’t want to confuse archetypical energies (that we all channel) with people that channel them, because I don’t want to expect from humans to just play a certain role for me and then be disappointed when they are not acting that role. But at times it is appropriate, and it brings healing. At that time I felt like Mother Earth is reassuring me through Valerija’s fingertips, that no matter what I went through, no matter how I abandoned my body to please others or to avoid my own pain, my body is still worthy of love. My whole being is worthy of love. I am worthy of nurturing. I can treat myself better from now on. Protect myself, say no.
Last year, after that first massage from Valerija, I became increasingly aware of the limited time I have on this planet with my body. And with it came a desire to use the time well and get to know my body, experience what it has to offer and be in companionship with it.
I agree in some way that I am not just my body. I agree that sometimes we have to push our body to its limits for our own good. Yet without my body I probably wouldn’t be able to experience my life on this planet no matter what spiritual beliefs I currently have, and even the spiritual heights are experienced through this intelligent biomachine with release of endorphins and oxytocin. Without permission of my body I wouldn’t be able to follow my other aspirations and my mind would not have anything to push in the pursuit of goals. So I want to take good care of that animal that is me.
I want the best for it.
I want that people who touch it have only good intentions for me and deep respect for my whole being, including my body. Whether those are friends who hug me, lover that loves me, doctors who examine me or healers that are willing to assist me.
That’s why I deeply recommend work with Valerija.
It feels so good when your body is being touched by someone who is passionate about understanding the human body. Someone, who is deeply connected to Earth and appreciates the gifts of Nature. Someone who is creative in different ways, yet in every way expressing love. Someone who knows how to listen with their ears, heart and with their fingertips.
If you happen to be in Ptuj, write to Valerija at valja.valja[at]gmail.com
I personally experienced her:
-> Classical massage, after which I felt like spirit and body are one and the same. So relaxed and down to Earth and at the same time expanded and connected across the Universe.
-> And her unique blend of fractal drawing therapy and massage, which was a real therapeutic experience.
And I recommend them both from all my heart. I use them in my mind as memories that help me relax when I feel overloaded.
What about you?
Do you see massage as a treat or as a necessity?
Do you feel comfortable when someone is touching your body?
What is your criteria for choosing a massage therapist?
What was the best massage experience for you?