Now that I ate my cake for breakfast, I can get to writing. (Raw, sugarfree cake + soya yogurt, both homemade, if you ask).
My website, that was my Corona #stayathome project, finally went live yesterday.
I mean, there was no events around the globe. I kept it low profile by just turning off maintenance mode, proudly looking around on the balcony (it was dark, only mosquitoes in sight), lighting up a cigarette, nodding to myself proudly with silly happy smile on face, adrenaline pumping through my veins (creative rush), and oops! taking a sip of cacao and spilling it all over white t-shirt and baggy cotton pants.
My smile kept going anyway.
I was waking up with anxiety pain in my chest/upper back for last two weeks, and I cannot say that the feeling was completely gone when I got up in this morning, but I was able to get up fast, without self pity because I am avoiding what I am meant to do and creating myself diseases as a result of avoidance. I turned off the alarm and turned on a computer. I have to get this back/forward to writing momentum going, before I give myself a chance to slip back to questioning if the world really needs another person who thinks they have something important to say.
Despite sharing my thoughts online since 2007 and even having some so called successes with my blog, I still have a confidence of an amateur that somehow ended sharing the stage with professional actors.
The stage fright is real, even though I see no audience and I am not noticed by other actors as I am saying my parts of the play that I am making up as I go.
Despite preparing myself to start writing again for audience for years now (I wrote some things in between, but went quickly back to my woman-cave filled with self doubts), trying to get my ducks in the row, meditating on it, working through my childhood traumas and all that jazz, taking bunch of coaching courses, working with people 1:1, I am standing on the stage and instead of getting to the topic, rambling how nervous I am in a hope to win the sympathy of the public and looking with one eye for the sharks that might come up and attack me.
I believe honesty is the best policy. And I like getting naked in front of people. Metaphorically naked. Even though it is scary just as much as it would be to strip clothes off in the public. You make yourself seen and everyone can judge you.
I got a tactic for this, however, it might be useful for you as well.
It hit me once by the end of 2019, that is better to have 7 people in your life who love you than a million of people who like you. I am not saying you cannot both or more people who love you. But those numbers sounded really good when I got this quotable idea in my head. I am going to make it in a quote now. And perhaps I will title this blog post with it.
Here we go:
“It’s better to have 7 people who love you than one million people who just like you.” – Anita Puksic
I always feel so pretentious when I quote myself.
Back to the point. During my twenties I was quite a lot on a public eye. Far away from being famous, but known enough that sometimes people on the street told me they read my blog or that the friend of them bought ecofriendly accessories that I used to make from me. I was active on social media, organising secondhand/art/craft markets, selling my accessories on markets around the country and preaching on my blog and social media, while at the same time sharing a lot of personal struggles.
While most of the people that came in contact with me were amazing, there were also some that I let in as friends and got stabbed by them in the back. Or straight to the heart. I was young and naive and seeing good in everyone. Or even aware of their dark sides, but finding apologies for them or blaming myself for them behaving the way they were. Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe I said something that hurt them? Maybe I gave them a wrong impression? Maybe I was not clear enough in stating my boundaries? Maybe I should try harder in proving my worth to them? My idea was, that if I am good with people, people will be good with me. And while thanks god this is the case in the most instances, some people have their own issues and no matter how good you are with them, they will blame you for the things you have nothing to do with and take advantage of your kindness.
And I started to focus more of my energy on those people, trying to get liked by them, win them over, than those who were with me all along. I lost on my confidence. When writing, instead of just expressing myself and bringing my message to the table, I was listening to the critiques I imagined they would have on me and my work and tried to answer all the weak points they could find upfront. Until I felt that is all together pointless. And stopped sharing my work with the world. While still researching, trying to answer their questions, trying to answer my own questions, researching, researching, reading, reading, asking, researching, making concepts, writing countless pages in my notebooks, trying to get myself educated enough to finally get out there again and share myself with the world, bullet proof.
Well, I did not get bullet proof, I am just hoping that someday I will be soft enough, so that bullets will get through without doing any damage or at least not stopping me on my tracks.
So when it hit me how much I am trying to get liked instead of just loving and let myself be loved from those who are able to give love to me, I started counting who are those 7 people that I love and that love me, no matter what, if I am or down, if I have money in my pocket or if I am broke as fuck. Who are those 7 people, that I can share my wins and failures with and they do not judge me, but are just happy we can share time-space, talk, laugh and cry.
And while my inner critic is still strong in reminding me of all the outer critics that I should appease, slowly but gradually I started to feel more and more safe in the world again by counting those 7 people. Sometimes I come to 5 people, sometimes I can count them 10 and sometimes I cry from happiness when finding the communities on youtube or elsewhere, where people are kind, honest and supportive to each other, and I include those in my counting, because they bless me with their kindness to another human being.
Ah, people with Quality, so grateful for them.
Who are your 7 people? (No need to respond to me, just count them, count them often, feel grateful and let them know how much they mean to you.)