It’s like this. When the new year or my personal new year (birthday) is coming closer, I get this urge, that I should change something. Better myself before the date comes. I had such an amazing year, yet I’m getting anxious. I so much wanna end it with a bang. Get rid of that debt completely, learn the Italian already, start waking up early, regular exercise, start taking healthy food to my workshop… Huh, I’m putting that pressure on me throughout a whole year, actually. Always trying to be better. To deserve my own love. Even putting a pressure on myself asking “Why don’t you love yourself more?!”
Haha, but on the other side, I love this about me. I always wanna grow. It’s tremendous pleasure to look back through the years and see how far I came. Maybe it’s not visible to everybody on the outside, but I feel it. I feel it when I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t hate myself. I feel it when I have a fight with Jure and I laugh about it quite soon. I even apologize. I feel it when I prepare myself a full healthy dinner with a soup and a salad and everything. I feel it when I take out my pen and notebook when I’m in bad or confused mood and I just write it out. I feel it when somebody isn’t kind with me and I realise quickly, hey, it’s not my fault, they probably had a bad day. I feel it when I don’t feel guilty anymore about not helping people, when they don’t want my help anyway. I feel it when I’m in the mix of being super excited and super anxious and I know I’m gonna survive. (Until I won’t, at least). I see it when I go to places, events, meetings and I know that I can handle it
I see my fears slowly drifting away. They always come back in cycles, but thanks god, it gets easier every year.
And I feel like a grown up person, finally. You know what? It’s way better than what people say. It’s like you are finally free enough to play whenever you want to and the whole world is your playground. Oh, I should put that one on one of my tote bags.
So what about you? Do you get anxious before New Year or your birthday?
What I’m wearing: Deichmann shoes, secondhand sunglasses, pants were gift from boyfriend, the shirt was a gift from my mother-not-yet-in-law and 3 Ptice backpack, of course.