I was raised as a Catholic… post about different names for the same things).

I was raised as a Catholic. It was a religion that grandparents on the both sides of the family were in and perhaps they influenced my parents to continue the tradition.
 
So we went to the church on every Sunday. Of course it was super boring for a kid. So I was asking my mother about time all the time. When it’s gonna be over? Also leaving out of my body disgusting silent farts.
 
If I didn’t practice mindfulness and trying to listen, I went into my inner world in church. In my fantasy world. I would just need to stand up here and there, otherwise I was in peace to think about boys I liked and about the books I read in search for answers to questions in my head.
 
Yes, questions. On those weekly meetings we kids had with a priest, where they were teaching us about bible and god and Jesus and all of that jazz, I was perhaps a pain in the ass (questions) and at the same time a blessing (I was actually listening).
 
The thing that really didn’t go into my little head was that concept of Heaven and Hell. And that people who accept Jesus, go to Heaven. So you say that people who never heard of Jesus will all go to Hell after they die? And what about all the good people who don’t believe in God, but they do good things all the time (like my beautiful teacher in school did, she was really a teacher with brain, heart and power). What kind of God would send her to Hell, just because she doesn’t believe in Jesus as her saviour? I didn’t like that God.
 
And also, if God was omnipresent and he knew everything about everything, past, present future… wasn’t him who allowed the snake to convince the Eve in the garden of Eden to try that fruit? Or maybe he wasn’t that omnipresent Mr. Know it all after all.
 
And how about not knowing that his favourite angel, that he created, will make a war against him? And how about that this angel that then turned into Devil, is still working for God. I mean, if people who were not good enough to go to heaven after they die, go to hell, which is Devils realm, aren’t those two a team?
 
And what about all other religions? Aren’t they all teaching the same thing in their core? Love. Golden rules. Love each other.
 
So I realised quite fast that perhaps it’s all the same god, just different names. And stupid people killing each other because they don’t see it’s the same, just different name.
 
There was a movie, Stigmata. I’ve watched it on television as a teenager. There was that period in which I kinda enjoyed horror movies and that seemed like one. At the end of the movie, there were words from Gospel of Thomas, which made my heart sing.
 
“The Kingdom of God is inside/within you and all around you, not in buildings/mansions of wood and stone. (When I am gone) Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift the/a stone and you will find me.”
 
This also went together with esoteric things that I started to carefully indulge in once a week through newspaper rubric, with a few pages, that was there once a week. There were things like astrology, witches, fairy stuff, connection with Nature, etc. Carefully, because in church they said this is all devil’s work. 
 
I decided to study philosophy after high school. It seemed like a perfect thing for me at the moment that I’m gonna do with a left hand, perhaps find some answers that I am searching for (and still have time for me)… yet I left the studies very fast (I mean, homework, are you kidding me?). The teachers seemed like frustrated people. In four years, I didn’t want to become like them. And I was craving for synthesis, not extra analysis of everything.
 
I started attending spiritual university. Little did I know there’s gonna be even more philosophy, haha, that at times hurt my head with all the informations. But thanks god there was also meditation. So there was some balance between analysis and synthesis.
 
There were also a lot of things that if I knew in advance that I’m gonna learn there, I am not sure if I would sign up. I would think that these people are perhaps nuts. Even though they were very peaceful, funny and smart. I was so grateful when doubt was actually encouraged. And I could ask shit ton of questions without being ridiculed for having questions or seen as an enemy or threat. No need for a blind faith.
 
Anyway. Those things that I learned there about energy, had certain names. This was super analytical, precise, distinctive, but with names that seemed funny to my logical brain. I could sense these things through our exercises, but my mind wanted to know more.
 
I am still researching those things as I learn more about biology and human body. I have a friend, she is a biology genius (that girl is going to get a Nobel prize, I tell you), very scientific yet open at the same time and talking with her is pure pleasure, for both of us, I think (me hungry for her knowledge, she happy to talk about it). I just remembered now I need to contact her. She is researching the brain of meditants from her scientific point of view.
 
Anyway, to drive the point home. What I want to say to you with whole this story of mine is this:
 
We are all searching for answers. In different ways. And sometimes we give different names to things we find out, but we are talking about the same thing. Let’s connect through that thing instead of fighting because of different names we give to that thing, shall we?
 
Oh, and heaven and hell are in our minds.
If you want to continue the conversation in regards to your life situations message me (anita.puksic@gmail.com) and I’ll tell you my prices. If you have a good idea for co-creation, you can also message me. If you want a mental fight, sorry, I am currently not available for those. As I am focusing my energy on those who are willing to change something, not just arguing for their limitations (or using the suffering of others as an excuse to stay stuck in their own suffering, even with all the support available).
As I draw this line for you I also draw it for me.
Love you all and thank you for reading.  I appreciate your time. Hope you also appreciate mine. Namaste.

Trying to manifest a partner? Maybe my story will inspire you.

For anyone who is trying to manifest a partner (or improve the relationship with a partner), maybe my story will inspire you.

I had some painful experiences around love as a teenager. Part of me is like, lol, you were just a teenager, of course you did have bad experiences. But another part of me knows better. When something hurts, it hurts no matter the age. Being betrayed hurts when you are kid, hurts when you are in your teens, hurts when you are an adult.

I already started reading woo woo (isn’t it cute, woo woo? I am quite woo woo, you know) books years prior that, but around 15, 16 I did it almost full time. At 17 or 18 when math teacher asked us what we are reading, I said a bit snobbishly that I’m starting reading novels again, because I got fed up a bit with pop-psychology. 😀

Anyway.

Somehow I learned somewhere about ascended masters and “I am” and violet flame. It seemed a bit out of the space, but it cannot hurt to try it, I thought.

Also, I read somewhere that you have to first love yourself. That chasing energy, “somebody love me please”, not good.

Okay. So I’m gonna learn to love myself and enjoy myself, if I have a guy or not. I played with that energy of violet flame I read about on the morning bus to school. Sometimes I would even see some faces in my minds eye, that seemed like they belonged to the past.

I was filling myself up with love.

I did this for I don’t know how many months. Somewhere between 3 or 6 or 9.

Then I started thinking that maybe I don’t even need a guy. Maybe I don’t even want a guy. I am having a time of my life. Girlfriends, fun, night life, some flirting here and there…

An ex wrote to me on Valentine’s day how am I. I am great, I said, I have an amazing day!

Yeah right, he said.

But it was true. I had an amazing day. Don’t remember what was going on, but I can still see bright light when I think of that day.

Two days later, I went out with girls. Didn’t feel like sneaking to the most popular club in town, underage and all, I went with one of my girls for a drink.

And there he was, that guy I never saw before in our little town. So cute. With big lips like boys from rap videos that I adored. And baggy jeans and sneakers. I felt warmth through my body. Through the whole torso, not just in my lady parts. It seemed like he is also looking at me.

He went outside and everything in me was saying “Go out, go out, go ask him something! He probably likes you too.” But what should I say to him?
I went out. He was leaning on the small wall, looking like he isn’t really there. I said “Do you feel sick?”

You know, teenagers and alcohol.

We started talking. He told me he was waiting for a girl he liked. He didn’t even see me before, because he was thinking about her. She said she’s gonna come and that they will meet, but then she canceled.

Oh, I said and then told him how is he perhaps feeling right now.

And then he looked at me and his eyes were shining. I still remember that shine in his eyes. It was like somebody finally understood him and at the same time like he is falling in love with me.

“That was easy” I thought. He really fell for me fast.

I thought we are going to kiss a bit that night and that’s gonna be it. But he was shy. We were sitting together on the bench and talking until his parents came to pick him up.

Two weeks later we were officially a couple.

11+ years later I love him more than ever. And he seems more beautiful to me than ever before.

During these years I had many doubts about him. All my childhood traumas came out. I copied my parents relationship subconsciously, even though I promised to myself that I am not gonna ever be as foolish as my parents, who hurt each other when they both wanted to be loved. But I was. I meant to leave him many times. I blamed him for not moving forward in my life. I felt we are too different to be together.

But there it was, that silver lining underneath it all that felt like pure pure love. And was that one good reason to stay, as Gaga would say.

And you know, it wasn’t him, who was preventing me from moving forward in life. It wasn’t that we are too different. It wasn’t him not being interested in tantra and spirituality and philosophy that made our relationship hard at times.

It was me not letting myself just be all that I am.

And when I let myself be me, he catches up super fast. And then I don’t know, was I always with such a master and I didn’t see it or he just receives information through my light. Or perhaps both.
<3

Also, I was working a lot on how I perceive male human beings this year. Got really honest with myself and took responsibility for my part. Let myself be coached around this.

And started realising that men are really awesome and sensitive and beautiful and spiritual, give fucking awesome advice and care deeply about us. And that perhaps tantra is natural for them, it’s us, women who are wanting it and at the same time blocking it, when we are trying to be something we are not.