Guys, this is a really personal post. I wrote it two months ago in my online journal (in which I do mindset work and self-coaching mostly and keep track of my progress). Today, when I opened the journal to do some journaling, around my perceptions around support and being supported (will write about this later, because it’s super important and valuable), this page popped up. And I started reading it and was like whoaah… I wrote this in the first half of January, but I felt like it’s even further away. My perception of myself changed so much already. And what I receive from “outside” world changed as well. It’s interesting, that when I was writing the post bellow, I meant to post it, but I didn’t have guts to do it. I wasn’t ready yet. But today, I have this feeling that I gotta share it with you.
I would especially like that you are aware of the questions I am asking myself. The story, I was telling myself it’s just a story, and if I keep repeating it, I’m gonna get more of the same. But by telling it, I honour it, because story wants to be heard, and then by utilizing the power of questions, I start writing a new story for myself. And now I live that new story. It’s such a difference, I cannot even tell! How much more alive and confident I am.
Warning: this post can be triggering if you are playing the story patterns alike this one in your mind -> and it can also be super powerful and healing if you let it.
So, let’s go to my story, my journal entry from two months ago:
Ever since I was child I felt like an outsider. Never really fitting in no matter how much I tried.
I always felt the best when hanging out 1:1 with people, but as soon as there was one person extra, I started to feel like I don’t fit in.
My happiest memories are the times when I felt like I belong to larger groups. But those were just the moments and sooner or later I would start to feel like an outsider again.
Even in the same evening.
I started to feel like people don’t really like and that perhaps they are talking shit about me behind their backs.
I would start to look for an escape. How can I run away as fast as possible. But it’s usually unpolite to just run away so I would stay there, quiet, waiting for shit to be over as soon as possible. It became easier through the times to say that I am going now, yet still feeling a bit of hope that they would say “Please, stay, we enjoy your company.” And at the same time hoping they won’t ask any questions, because I would feel like I could burst into tears.
If someone in the group would start to talk about somebody or if the group would have some joke that I weren’t aware of, I would feel like the joke was on me. Did I say anything wrong at some point and I don’t remember it? Did I break any rule of the group? Are they trying to get rid of me?
I would then always try to be the most perfect member of the group, listening to everybody, making sure that everyone was included, trying to please everybody. If I would lose myself in the conversation with somebody, then I would feel guilty about people I didn’t include and I would apologise to them. Which I think is normal, of course.
But this sense of responsibility would sooner or later become a burden. Instead of enjoying the experience I would feel all sorts of emotions. Anger at myself because I am thinking all the time about how I am perceived. Anger at people around me because they don’t notice that I am there and give me a voice. Anger at people for turning to me when they need something or when they need someone to listen to them. Sometimes I would go to the toilet and breathe or do some quick rounds of EFT to build strenght and go back to the group only to feel like a wallflower again.
When I would really want to say something, because I would know 100% that it’s valuable, because I am good at seeing solutions, I would cough first and feel intense feelings in my body. When I would start to speak and get the attention of the group, I would feel like I need to tell my thing really fast so that I wouldn’t bother people with too much details. And then I would look down, afraid of checking in with the group if anyone sees how brilliant is my idea. Perhaps already feeling silly for even exposing myself. If I would get a compliment from the group leader, I would feel a burst of pride in myself and the half of a second later already the shame for even feeling the pride and sense of fear that everyone can see what’s going on in me.
Sometimes when I drinked wine I really started talking and couldn’t stop and then the next day I would feel like the worst person on the planet for wanting people to listen to me.
Even when I am celebrating my birthday with my family, I always feel like an outsider at the table.
Usually, when I go outside I must be in a really good mood, because I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. So people often see me as a sunshine, but when I am alone I am often depressed and asking myself what is wrong with me.
Why am I talking about this?
Because a few hours ago a question popped into my mind. I am really into coaching and I want to be a coach (trying out every technique, getting into every program I can afford and reading every possible book on the subject + using coaching on myself all the time) and the questions are the holy grail of coaching, really.
And the question was: if I would believe that my circumstances are the match for beliefs I have about myself, what are those beliefs considering my circumstances?
And the first answer was:
I am a parasite.
Harsh. I know.
Then I would remember that more aproppriate term for this in the psychology would be a burden.
Interesting, I often drew a tarot card with burden in the past year.
Anyway. When I look back through my childhood it becomes obvious how I got this belief.
A few examples:
My brother being angry at me because I wanted to hang out with him and his friends.
My mum saying “Why did I have to marry this man?! My life became shit when I met this guy.” “Hm, mum, if you wouldn’t be with him there would be no me and my brother…”
My mum freaking out because of all the things she had to pay and feeling scared because she couldn’t pay bill for the food in my school (which made me feel super guilty, because I didn’t like 60% percent of the food there and was often throwing it away, fucking sandwiches most of the time).
My mother not letting me go to birthday parties of classmates, because then she would have to buy a gift and because she didn’t want me to be a burden for somebody else and because then I would have to invite those kids back and that would be an extra burden for her.
Both mother and father telling me “Look how hard I work for you and you are so ungrateful and you are saying such and such things to me.”
My brother always being mad at me because I was more successful one and didn’t have to work as hard as him or at least not such hard things.
You get the picture.
How this belief manifested in my life? Besides social anxiety that I already kinda mentioned above.
I have a lot of debt. Even when I got out of it I got back into it very fast. Which is strong burden on me. And I feel like a burden for all the people I owe money. And feeling like a burden to people who owe me money.
I feel responsible for all the troubles of my family. Not that I caused them, but I feel responsible to solve them. Which is also a burden on me.
I sometimes don’t feel worthy of pleasure. Which makes me feel like I am a burden in the bed and can’t relax or I feel resentful for not getting the attention I want and feel like my partner is the burden.
I constantly feel overwhelmed, no matter how much is on my plate.
Now that I am living kinda half at my boyfriend’s parents house and half at my mother’s house, I feel at his place like I shouldn’t be in a sight to much. And when I go make myself coffee or something I feel like I am taking too much. I am feeling like a burden on their household.
In my business, I have troubles of charging what my products are worth, because I feel like I am doing something bad to people with taking their money / I am afraid of collaborating with people, because I don’t want to be burden for them or I am afraid of putting too much weight on my shoulders and being overwhelmed for the same reason.
I don’t want to ask for help, because it would crash me down and I would feel humiliated.
So, what I can do about this?
Well, some self coaching of course!
What would I feel like if would’t have this thought that I am a burden?
I would feel relaxed in company of people.
I would share more about myself and my work with others.
I would feel more confident in my marketing activities.
I would have more fun.
I would offer my services more often.
I would feel like my work is meaningful for people.
How would I behave?
I would ask for what I want.
I would feel confident doing my things, without worry that I should go and do something for someone else.
I would just go for what I want.
What would my attitude be like?
I would be unapologetic.
I would feel like I deserve what I want.
I would tell people who try to bring me down to fuck off.
I would stop protecting myself from people and their criticism in advance.
I wouldn’t give a fuck about a lot of things.
I would be more honest.
(Here is when I get into new experience of self): Now that I don’t carry this burden of being a burden anymore, I feel free. I am able to breath. I feel less responsible for feelings of others. Ahahaha, omg, I see that others can simply ask if they want something from me and I don’t have to guess their wishes in advance. I feel free to do my thing. I feel so much more relaxed and in my body. I feel calm and satisfied with my day.
What’s the opposite of feeling like a burden?
I feel like a gift.
I know I am a gift for myself and for others.
I feel confident about myself.
I am gifted.
I enjoy my presence and others enjoy my presence as well.
I love being myself.
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I hope this is useful for you guys! Let me know.