I am also very woo-woo.
I am very spiritual, love n light.
I am also very dark.
I am very human. Sweat, blood, shit. Also dreams, hopes, aspirations.
I am very open and loving. Also love being alone and ignoring everything.
I am a people pleaser and I also don’t give a fuck.
I know it all and also want to learn and experience so much more.
I am an open book, yet still a mystery.
I share it all, yet I am super private.
I am left and right, up and down, all in one.
I was raised as a Catholic. It was a religion that grandparents on the both sides of the family were in and perhaps they influenced my parents to continue the tradition.
So we went to the church on every Sunday. Of course it was super boring for a kid. So I was asking my mother about time all the time. When it’s gonna be over? Also leaving out of my body disgusting silent farts.
If I didn’t practice mindfulness and trying to listen, I went into my inner world in church. In my fantasy world. I would just need to stand up here and there, otherwise I was in peace to think about boys I liked and about the books I read in search for answers to questions in my head.
Yes, questions. On those weekly meetings we kids had with a priest, where they were teaching us about bible and god and Jesus and all of that jazz, I was perhaps a pain in the ass (questions) and at the same time a blessing (I was actually listening).
The thing that really didn’t go into my little head was that concept of Heaven and Hell. And that people who accept Jesus, go to Heaven. So you say that people who never heard of Jesus will all go to Hell after they die? And what about all the good people who don’t believe in God, but they do good things all the time (like my beautiful teacher in school did, she was really a teacher with brain, heart and power). What kind of God would send her to Hell, just because she doesn’t believe in Jesus as her saviour? I didn’t like that God.
And also, if God was omnipresent and he knew everything about everything, past, present future… wasn’t him who allowed the snake to convince the Eve in the garden of Eden to try that fruit? Or maybe he wasn’t that omnipresent Mr. Know it all after all.
And how about not knowing that his favourite angel, that he created, will make a war against him? And how about that this angel that then turned into Devil, is still working for God. I mean, if people who were not good enough to go to heaven after they die, go to hell, which is Devils realm, aren’t those two a team?
And what about all other religions? Aren’t they all teaching the same thing in their core? Love. Golden rules. Love each other.
So I realised quite fast that perhaps it’s all the same god, just different names. And stupid people killing each other because they don’t see it’s the same, just different name.
There was a movie, Stigmata. I’ve watched it on television as a teenager. There was that period in which I kinda enjoyed horror movies and that seemed like one. At the end of the movie, there were words from Gospel of Thomas, which made my heart sing.
“The Kingdom of God is inside/within you and all around you, not in buildings/mansions of wood and stone. (When I am gone) Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift the/a stone and you will find me.”
This also went together with esoteric things that I started to carefully indulge in once a week through newspaper rubric, with a few pages, that was there once a week. There were things like astrology, witches, fairy stuff, connection with Nature, etc. Carefully, because in church they said this is all devil’s work.
I decided to study philosophy after high school. It seemed like a perfect thing for me at the moment that I’m gonna do with a left hand, perhaps find some answers that I am searching for (and still have time for me)… yet I left the studies very fast (I mean, homework, are you kidding me?). The teachers seemed like frustrated people. In four years, I didn’t want to become like them. And I was craving for synthesis, not extra analysis of everything.
I started attending spiritual university. Little did I know there’s gonna be even more philosophy, haha, that at times hurt my head with all the informations. But thanks god there was also meditation. So there was some balance between analysis and synthesis.
There were also a lot of things that if I knew in advance that I’m gonna learn there, I am not sure if I would sign up. I would think that these people are perhaps nuts. Even though they were very peaceful, funny and smart. I was so grateful when doubt was actually encouraged. And I could ask shit ton of questions without being ridiculed for having questions or seen as an enemy or threat. No need for a blind faith.
Anyway. Those things that I learned there about energy, had certain names. This was super analytical, precise, distinctive, but with names that seemed funny to my logical brain. I could sense these things through our exercises, but my mind wanted to know more.
I am still researching those things as I learn more about biology and human body. I have a friend, she is a biology genius (that girl is going to get a Nobel prize, I tell you), very scientific yet open at the same time and talking with her is pure pleasure, for both of us, I think (me hungry for her knowledge, she happy to talk about it). I just remembered now I need to contact her. She is researching the brain of meditants from her scientific point of view.
Anyway, to drive the point home. What I want to say to you with whole this story of mine is this:
We are all searching for answers. In different ways. And sometimes we give different names to things we find out, but we are talking about the same thing. Let’s connect through that thing instead of fighting because of different names we give to that thing, shall we?
Oh, and heaven and hell are in our minds.
If you want to continue the conversation in regards to your life situations message me (email@example.com) and I’ll tell you my prices. If you have a good idea for co-creation, you can also message me. If you want a mental fight, sorry, I am currently not available for those. As I am focusing my energy on those who are willing to change something, not just arguing for their limitations (or using the suffering of others as an excuse to stay stuck in their own suffering, even with all the support available).
As I draw this line for you I also draw it for me.
Love you all and thank you for reading. I appreciate your time. Hope you also appreciate mine. Namaste.
My man looking at me: You are kinda intense for quite some time now.
Me looking away from a computer for a second: I am answering questions about entrepreneurship. I am passionate about this.
Enjoy the interview.
What are the main reasons that encouraged you to take the plunge on the entrepreneurial adventure?
I left the university, because it seemed like the waste of time. I was always the best student in the class, yet always feeling like I don’t fit into the system. It seemed pointless to strive for grades when I could actually learn and live at the same time in the school of life.
My family didn’t get it and so I wanted to start something that would make them see that I am not just wasting my time, but that I am actually doing something. And I also wanted to do something that has a positive effect on the planet, connects people, is creative and fun plus makes money.
Aaah, and there was a beautiful woman in my life who believed in me, we started doing things together, it was super fun and creative, work, connection, good cause, money, I felt so alive! And then I started a company. Without her in my life I perhaps wouldn’t start this journey so young. Unfortunately she had health problems that were getting worse and worse…
You started your business very young. What did your youth (your student life) bring you to launch your project?
Idealism. Belief that I can participate in creating a better world for everybody if I do what I love.
In particular, what specific skills relative to youth gave you an advantage in setting up your enterprise?
Stubbornness, this sense of I am going to do it my way.
Around you (friends, family, teachers, peers, guidance counsellors, …) what have been the most valuable, most memorable, most useful help you have received? Small and big, those that helped to advance your project.
Interesting enough, I got the most help and support from people I didn’t know in real life until that point (I still haven’t met some, but we are still connected).
I had a blog for years, where I was very honest about what’s going on in my head, what’s going on in my life, how I see things. People who were reading my blog knew more about me than my family. And those were the people who first started buying my things, who shared my work, who shared my blog posts that then reached more people who felt my message and therefore bought my products or invited me to the events etc.
Also, some of my friends were the best at promoting my work. Forever grateful for having them in my life. When others, even if they were amazing friends in other aspects, they just didn’t get what it takes. They never have been entrepreneurs and they wanted to give me advice on how I should run things which got me in paralysing self-doubt at times. Some of them tried with entrepreneurship later and quit very fast, went back to regular jobs.
Most useful help you can give to young entrepreneur is buy from them and/or share their work. That’s what will encourage them to keep going. That’s how you show you believe in them. That’s how they can pay their bills and invest back in business. That’s how they’ll grow and become better and better. Advice is cheap. Everybody loves to give it all the time.
Could you tell us a little bit more about the role that your teachers and fellow students played in your entrepreneurial adventure?
A few teachers showed up during my entrepreneurial journey and the best ones were those who saw what I am good at and pointed this back to me and told others about it. This gave me so much fuel!
During your school / university career have you been sensitized / trained to entrepreneurship?
Nope. Just some ultra boring lessons of economy in high school with slides on projector, memory of this still makes me wanna send a bullet in my head.
In your personal and professional environment (friends, family, school, incubator,…) what were the reactions to the announcement of your project?
In my personal environment there was no emotional support. Later I realised that those people actually loved me. They had a picture in their head how I should live and for me their picture seemed like a death sentence. For them my picture that fired me up so much I sometimes couldn’t sleep because of inspiration and energy, seemed like an illusion. I loved them, they loved me, but it looked like there’s no love at all. It was a heavy emotional burden, feeling unsupported and like I cannot talk with anybody about what’s going on in my life, in my biz, without them telling me to get a job.
Was your youth seen as a barrier or an opportunity?
I don’t know what others thought of it, I can tell from my experience. Sometimes people looked down on me because of my youth, but there were also people who found it inspiring (even said they hope their kids will turn out like me).
Looking back I also see that some saw my youth as an opportunity for them.
The best shift for me was when I read an article about why is the best to start a company in your 20’s. You don’t have kids and if you screw up, nobody’s going to starve because of you.
How do you apprehend (interpret/understand/notice) the moments of failure and success?
Failure is always something you can use for success. If you don’t take it personally like you are a failure because of a shitty day or a month in arena, you can always turn it into something good and inspiring.
Success (for me) is that you do what you love and believe in. That you have people that get you and support you. That you love your life.
Failure is a temporary illusion, success is a state that you can always tune in. People can see you as successful by their ideas of success, but you suffer in silence. People can see you as a failure by their ideas of success, yet you are living your best life.
What were the moments of your life that you experienced as failures? what with hindsight have moved you onwards, beyond those points?
Hmm, closing my company with a lot of debt. Onwards: Realising that debt doesn’t make me a loser. I felt so stupid and like I am not capable, because of debt. Until I realised that most of people I knew had it, and that I don’t see them as not capable losers, why would I then look at myself this way? Also, I love the American way of thinking about entrepreneurship, where they congratulate each other for failed business, because each one brings you closer to successful one because you learn so much.
At the start of your project, who were your model entrepreneurs? who inspired you?
I like Richard Branson because of diversity of the projects. Otherwise, I had the best ideas in my mind, those were my biggest inspiration (and I am finally meeting people who get those ideas and are a living proof of those ideas working).
What do you think are the clichés that can hinder young people from getting into entrepreneurship? More personally, did you have preconceived ideas about entrepreneurship that were swept away once your project started?
That they don’t know, because they are too young and they don’t have the experience. They do fucking know. You are fucking inspired to start this journey, because you have something fresh to bring into this world. You know. People around you perhaps don’t. That’s why if you listen to them, you will stay mediocre and in a few years watch somebody making millions with the same ideas you had that you didn’t put into practice because of listening to people who convinced you that they know better than you.
The ideas that were swept away: that because you have something amazing to offer or because you have a solution to the problem that people will buy right away. I still remember we were laughing in early 90’s at people with mobile phones…
Entrepreneurship is still relatively untouched by women (only 30% of newly created companies in Europe). What goaded you to try the adventure and become part of its 30% lucky ones? What are the barriers that women face and how can you defeat them?
Not seeing being a women as a disadvantage. Not even thinking about it. It didn’t even cross my mind. Until everyone at home expected me to do everything at home, because I am at home and I “don’t do anything” and I “have time”. It was a gamechanger for me when I got studio to work outside my home. That’s one way, get a place where you can work without other people putting their stuff on you. But the best way is to set some boundaries in place and if people don’t respect them, ask yourself what are you even doing with these people. They don’t respect you and your art. Even more important. Start respecting yourself and your art and you will put those boundaries in place with ease.
What would you recommend to a young person who wants to take the plunge on an entrepreneurial project?
Look at previous two answers + focus on people who get it and who get you more than on critics (while you are trying to satisfy the critics you are losing yourself, your people and money). Focus on people you are meant to serve. This is super important, so much I am taking advice from myself right now. It’s something I realise again and again. Maybe I should put a tattoo with it on my index finger?
Spend time in nature. Take time off. White space matters. Eat healthy food that tastes good. Do things just for your own joy and pleasure – this is where you get the best ideas and energy.
Create now, perfect later.
Since the creation of your company, with hindsight was there a trigger that had a booster effect for the development of your business? (meeting someone particular, an event, etc.)
I once met a woman who listened to my story and told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I had the best month in business after that. It was so easy and so much fun. I was being myself.
There is a theme, that is going on for me this year.
I usually have more themes going on, meaning the things I study through observing in myself and in the world. And not only study, but also work on. Like a scientist, just that my lab is my mind-body and Life.
And one of the themes this year is my relationship with masculine and feminine energy. It actually started last year already.
This is something I haven’t shared publicly before. Just with few people that are very close to me, because it’s kinda crazy 😀
Last year I was once chilling outside the house, meditating in a chair, soaking in the kind afternoon sun, when I got the feeling that something bigger than just me is going on. It was this feeling of expansion, something shifting, feeling me with joy and excitement. You know, this feeling that life is about to change in a good way?
I looked up into the sky and there was a cloud that looked like a falus and there was a circle that reminded me of yoni. Those two clouds started going together. And they came together. Sex in the sky. The clouds then formed to what reminded me of female body, pelvis to breasts area. And in the middle of it there was a moon.
At that point, my body was already buzzing with excitement. What’s going on here? It felt super good. It felt like realms are changing. It felt like I stepped into another dimension. Like the ground beneath me has changed. New Earth I heard in my mind. I am walking on a new Earth.
I went into the house to check out my tarot cards and the first card I saw was this one.
Patience. So something has begun and now it’s time for patience? Wait and see. See this crazy synchronicity? Falus, yoni, female body, moon and this card with a pregnant woman and moon cycle above her?
Words started coming out of me and I started writing them down.
I had to run to the toilet. My body was ready to release something, haha, and make space for new.
This is what I wrote:
I am walking on it. I am walking on a new ground. The gap became so small I could step over it. And I know the gap is closing behind me. Duuuum. Gong. Shit is leaving my body. I am walking on a new ground. And what I decide to see is created. And the background is already divine.
Svet je svet. (The world is divine) Sveti sveto v sveti svet. (Shine divine to the divine world) Sveti svet že sveti sveto v tebe. (Divine world already shines divine to you)
Heaven is a place on earth. Every place. Every cell. I am beginning to see, not anymore begging to see. I am beginning to live, here in heaven.
There were even more crazy synchronicities going on that day (and more mysterious things shown to me in the following months), connected with this one, but let me continue with I want to share.
There’s a reason I didn’t share this before publicly.
I didn’t feel safe. It seems kinda crazy all together. What if I am crazy? What if people will think I am crazy? What if I am just making things up in my mind?
Hmmm, which is kinda what we all do. Even scientists. They come up with a theory, with which they are trying to explain the world, and then they look for a proof. And usually the one who is searching finds what they are searching. And then they build even more theories on the top of that one, trying to solve missing pieces. Until someone shows up who dares to question and suddenly the whole theory collapses, because it was the wrong premise from the beginning.
Or not. But it happens.
That’s also why people believe in conspiracy theories. Who is searching for proof will find it.
And as I believe in magic, I get signs when I look up in the sky.
We are all (okay, perhaps not all of us) trying to come up with a model of a world, as close to Reality as possible. And even I am not a fan of humility, oh do I accept it here. I give myself permission to change my mind. And I know, that there’s so much that I don’t know. And all the models of the world the others created and I studied so far or the once I created in my mind, well they can only go so far… but what is beyond all those models, what is beyond the symbols, what is beyond? Or maybe the question isn’t what is beyond, but what is here? Who is here? Who is the observer of the thinker? And who is the observer of the observer? It all comes down to nothing. No-thing.
Maybe John Snow actually knows something. I mean nothing. What?!
Okay, that’s the way my mind goes. In a lot of different directions when I try to tell something. Back to the red line.
After that “prophecy in the sky”, I started hearing a lot about divine feminine and divine masculine. Which translated to more earthly tones could simply be healthy feminine and healthy masculine. You know, as Nature intended it to be.
So, at the beginning of this year, as I was observing my personal herstory and my experiences at the time, I realised I have work to do around how I perceive men.
With me trying to express myself and claim my righteous place in the world (meaning just allowing myself to speak and create what I want in my life, living my life as I please, say yes to things I want and go for them, say no to things I don’t want – living my life like it’s mine to live, to put it simple).
There were quite some instances in my life when male human beings have said to me, what I can and what I can’t or what type of person I am. Of course, there were also women in that role.
But focus on men.
I realised through self observation that maybe there were men in my life who at some point kinda dictated me who I am and what I can(‘t) do, but when I repeat all these stuff constantly to myself, it’s me who is doing it to me. I am the oppressor, oppressing myself.
It was super interesting, that shortly after that I came in touch with a coach Linda Kaun, who was all about working with feminine energy, but then realised, that what us women need, is to do some work on our inner masculine as well.
I found her guide on this topic extremely helpful.
So I started working on my inner representation of masculine energy and the effects in my outer world were amazing. I still have work on this to do, as it came clear to me in the last month, so maybe it’s time that I read the guide again.
I had the experience in the previous month in which I felt betrayed by two men in my life that are close to me. Instead of accepting the role of a victim, I decided to accept the full responsibility for what is showing up in my life.
As I decided that, the anger that I felt in my body started turning into power. I switch literally in few minutes from feeling pissed off to calm and happy me. I went to bed in peace. And had a dialogue with my inner masculine. I decided to feel supported by the masculine energy.
The situation that pissed me off and seemed like a loss for me at first, changed during the night and I got support from an important man in my life the next day. Everything worked out in my favour.
Why I woke up today at 5 am feeling totally inspired by 6 am to write about this? I had dreams about two men in my life that kinda changed the direction of my life for me in a way that feels to me like I am not allowed to be who I really am. Like I have to hide who I really am.
I dug a lot into this program that I need to hide. That is not safe to be who I am. That I better hide my gifts. And the magic of who I really am.
I realised, that those fears are perhaps not coming from this life, because I didn’t really have any life threatening experiences, yet something in my body felt like I need to hide, because if I show myself, if I speak my truth publicly, I can die. Of horrible death.
This is not just mine. This is collective. The fear of public speaking is the top fear. Even more popular than fear of death. Even though in Western world we intellectually know nothing bad can happen to us if we go on stage or if put ourselves on camera, or if we share at the family meeting what we do, our bodies can be freaking scared.
We wanna run and hide.
So, if we go back in time, we know many of our ancestors died of terrible deaths. Those fears are burned in our cells. You know, witch hunting etc.
But what I realised in the last few weeks is, that perhaps it’s time that I look at the other side of this equation as well.
Many of our ancestors were also bad guys. Or at least they did bad things, if I make a distinction between the being and their actions.
Maybe we aren’t just the granddaughters of the witches they weren’t able to burn. Perhaps we are also the granddaughters of inquisitors.
The human history is full of blood, full of killing each other. Sadly, we still spend shit tons of money for “defending” and killing each other instead for creating with each other. And we (our ancestors) were for sure on both sides of the history. Or all three sides. Victims, heroes and oppressors.
And maybe it’s time to forgive the crimes that were done to us to be forgiven for the crimes we have done.
Inside ourselves, inside our relationships with the opposite and the same sex, in our families, in our human family.
“Happy Birthday,” she said. “What do you wish for? Probably a job?”
“No, mum, I don’t want a regular job.”
“But this way you would have a regular income and not be without money like you are.”
Akward silence on my site.
“Okay, we won’t talk about that.”
Thanks god, I don’t want to talk with you about that.
And then she started talking about how she forgot her phone in a garage yesterday and how did she find it, or something like that, while I was searching web for the best option for us to go to Vienna on 31st of May, for the Vienna Philharmonic Sommernachtskonzert. Because I know she wants to experience this and because I want to experience this, because it’s gonna be epic fun and beauty and because I am so grateful to her that she enjoys classical music and that through her joy I fell in love with it too.
But I’m not sure if she is gonna be able to go, because she has a fucking regular job in which she works quite often on Saturdays and Sundays, yet she is still afraid to ask for two days off. Gosh, I am getting a bit pissed of here at my mum and whole fucking system…
But let me share, what do I wish for, what do I want for my birthday, my life, by the next birthday of mine…
I want to keep on working the way I want, with the people I want and who appreciate me and see my genius.
I want my mum to sit down with me someday and I want us to have a great conversation and I want her to see me for who I really am. For a genius that I am, for a peacemaker, for a person who speaks the truth, for a person who is daring greatly and isn’t afraid to show the world her shine, her tears (I’m crying like crazy now), her holy rage, her deepest love and compassion, her beautiful mind and a wild soul. I want my mum to see me and hear me and love me and stop caring about what others think about me and about her as mum, I want her to stop being ashamed of me and herself, when people ask her if I have a job already. I want her to tell them proudly that her daughter doesn’t have a job, that she has a life.
I wish that I keep on following my version of success. And in my version I have enough time for myself, for people I love, for long walks in nature, for playing with my dog, for consuming quality art and for diving deep into the dark light of my own consciousness. I am successful already by my own definition.
I wish I wouldn’t worry anymore about anyone elses opinion of who I should be. Not even my mums. I wish I would be so sovereign in my own being, in my own nature, in my own true essence, that I would follow it, live it, without hoping for others to approve of me and my actions.
I wish I would trust 100% that by doing what is best for me, I do best for everyone else. By being healthy as a particle, as one cell on this planet, I am taking care of everybody by taking care of myself, by being the best expression of me.
I wish I wouldn’t shy away and turn my light off, when men in the streets look at me and perceive me as an object of their desire. I wish, that I knew that because someone else perceive me as an object, that doesn’t mean I have to perceive myself the way others perceive me.
I wish I would stand in my power no matter what.
I wish I would be happy and that my predominant vibe is the vibe of inner peace, no matter what is going on. I want to expand into greater and greater peace. I want my inner queen and king to rule my inner kingdom of heaven with peace, unconditional love and infinite intelligence.
I wish I would paint those paintings I see bubbling up in me. I wish I would blow away all those opinions of what is art and what is not and just create because of the pure joy of creating.
I wish I would stop trying to find a label for myself, who I am and what I do. Writer? Coach? Painter? Poet? Fashion designer? Blogger? I am all of it and none of it and so much more. I am a fucking paradox in one person. I am black and white. Yin yang and tao itself.
I am born spiritual, I am born psychologist and philosopher, I am born artist, I am born as a space holder for peace that is unfolding on this planet.
I am born with desire, greed, ambition and hunger and I am using it in the way that serves me and everyone else.
I wish I would love me. All of me.
I wish I would let go of all the resentments that I still carry around, because I love myself so much that I don’t want to walk around with those arrows in my heart.
I wish that my inner girl, my inner child, is always proud of me, happy that I turned out into a grown up that didn’t forget the truth, into a grown up that let’s her inner child’s genius shine.
I wish that every time I look at myself in the mirror that I see the spark in my eyes, that beautiful spark that is there when I own my light and my dark at the same time.
I wish that when I show up somewhere, that people are happy to see me and I am happy to see them.
I wish the whole world feels like my home.
I wish that my heart feels like my home.
I wish that by this time next year my book is written and printed and I want to get notes from people, thanking me for writing it, because they finally feel like somebody gets them and they can be who they really are and be loved.
I wish I would see people as who they really are, I wish I would see their beauty underneath all masks and labels. I wish I would be always compassionate with the best in people and this way letting it shine.
I wish I would forgive easily and move on fast.
I wish I would always know, that I deserve the best, because I exist, that I don’t have to prove the worthiness of my existence with a statement on my bank account, hard work and how many important people I know.
I wish I would speak out the greatness that is within me, I wish I would speak my truth, I wish I would blow away all the fake modesty, all the ways I am making myself smaller, so that people would love me and I wouldn’t end up alone.
I wish I would blow all of this away and let myself shine my true self and be grateful for all the amazing people that love me for who I am, and let go of trying to prove myself to people who enjoy to see me fail, so they can be right about their perception of me and their pessimistic outlook on life.
I also wish to make shit tons of money my way and as the revenge love all those people who didn’t believe in me, “You see how good I am, bitchez?” 😀
I wish to stop taking myself so seriously and I want to laugh at myself when I fall into importance trap games those so called grown ups so much like to play.
And I also want friends that would prepare me a surprise birthday party.
This is what I want for my birthday, mum. And I wish I could tell to you how fucking grateful I am that you bore me, because I love this life so much and I see so much beauty in the world, and I receive so much love from the world everyday and I give so much love everyday and I wish I would open myself up more for even more love.
I wish you would see you raised a beautiful human being and that you didn’t fail as mum.
And you said you wish me that my secret wish would come true… my secret wish is that I could sit with you, my family, behind the table, having Sunday lunch and that I would actually feel as a part of the family. I wish I could share with you bits of my life, about what I do, what I work at, I wish I could share my successes and joy of life with you and you would be happy for me, even if you don’t really get it. I wish you would at least try to get it. With an open heart.
I thought it was pretty good. I provided value + felt proud of myself that I am stepping up in my coaching business and offering people an option to work with me. Which I was in total resistance around, even though I trust in my skills, because I was afraid of people rejecting me.
Half a day later I check my gmail and there was an un-subscribe. Somebody doesn’t like what I am saying.
Most of the people who run their business from an authentic place, will say to you that un-subscribes are good, because this means you are speaking your truth and those who don’t resonate with it, will fall away. And that you should take this as a compliment.
Which I did.
But then I opened that e-mail and when I saw who un-subscribed, ouch, it was like a knife to my heart.
A girl that I know in real life and admire her, because she is really special. She has that quality of inner beauty that shines out through her and gives her a special aura.
I felt hurt.
Thoughts started running through my head.
Did my e-mail suck? Do I suck?
What does she think of me? Will she speak about me to her friends, how much my e-mails suck?
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
I felt like crying.
My inner psychologist kicked in.
What this reminds you of? When was the first time you felt rejected? Childhood memories?
Do you really know why she un-subscribed?
“Of course not, there could be more reasons and I cannot really know the real one unless I ask her!!”
How will I behave when I meet her on the street?!
My inner motivator started asking me:
Will you let this stop you? Do not do this again! There are people who need your message, who need your services! Do not repeat that old mistake of yours again, when you are trying to prove your worth to people who don’t want you, focus on those who love you, focus on those that you are here to serve.
Dum dum dum.
I started listening to facebook live that popped up to distract myself.
My dog started attacking me, he wanted to go out.
I put a coat on, to satisfy the demands of my dog. I already had headphones on, so I searched for another video on facebook. Which was really good, because it was about something really interesting to me (coaching related). But one side of me was still drumming the beat of rejected, rejected.
At some point I started focusing on the now. I looked around at the houses in the distance, a bit of fog in the air, field covered with snow.
There was some beauty in it I haven’t noticed before.
Breath. I let it in and started walking back home.
Yesterday I felt totally on fire. So full of love, I was buzzing. On top of that I reconnected with somebody I deeply love and appreciate and it was such a healing and blissful event, through which I felt those last pieces of wall of ice around my heart, which was “protecting” me from rejection, melt away.
And so I realised. I am at that place now. Where my heart is open, so full of love, yet vulnerable.
And that quote I once randomly saw on TV as a kid, when I was flipping through the channels, came up again. It sounds like a cliché, but clichés are clichés, because they are true.
“It’s better to love and be disappointed than to never love at all.”
And so I started feeling grateful.
My heart is open. I feel love. I have beautiful peeps who love me and support me. There are people who need to hear what I have to say. I love and I am loved. There are people who need me to show up, with courage.
And I can turn this into my art, put it out through my writing and share it with people.
And I told that part of myself, that felt rejected, “Hey, I won’t reject you. I love you. Thank you for your loving, open heart. You are a blessing.”
Wisdom bomb: When you reject parts of you, that feel rejected, that’s double rejection.
And so what felt as rejection, turned into self-love and became inspiration for this post. I hope it’s also inspiring for you! Let me know.
My boyfriend: “Why are you singing all the time?” (Humming, actually).
Me: “Because I am happy.”
Him: “It’s the same when you are nervous.”
Me: “That’s because when I am nervous, I am calling my happy with this song and when I am happy I am confirming it.”
That humming has kinda the same melody and it’s not from an actual song. It comes out of me at different times. Sometimes it takes epic dimensions, when I am humming for more than an hour together and crying and releasing and calling back pieces of myself through different time-spaces.
I realised that sometimes I deprive myself of the things I want because there are others in the world who don’t have as much as I do. I deprive myself even of wanting something in the first place, because it makes me feel greedy. That’ why I wrote this blog post. For all of you who love this planet and wish everyone good but sometimes forget about yourself. This blog post is going to help you come in touch with what you want, how can you give it to yourself and acknowledge where are you already excelling. Which will make you feel good. And you feeling good is important, because this means there’s more people on this planet that feel good.
Let’s dive right in:
Ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in.
Change the word world for me, myself and I 😀 (ignore the link for now, there’s music)
Ask yourself: How can I see this already?
My example: I wish that world would be a peaceful place where we all honour each other and co-create beautiful things.
-> I wish that I would be in peace with all that I am and that all my roles would honour and respect each other and that all parts of me would create together beautiful things.
How can I see this already?
I can take a look at all of the things that I already created so far. I can look at this post right now and see that idea that I had in my mind went through my body, through my fingers and it’s now on the screen. (Man, I’m crying right now because this is so magical and beautiful. I know it’s such a normal everyday thing but now I can see it with more awareness).
My example II:
I wish that people would feel safe in their bodies, safe in their homes, safe in their countries, safe on this planet.
-> I wish I would feel safe in my body, safe in my relationships with people, I wish I would feel like part of my country, I wish I would feel this planet is really my home.
How can I see this already?
I can see that my body is beautifully created and it does such a great work for me. I can feel love for my amazing body right now. I am grateful for my beautiful long legs that carry me around through the nature while my eyes are looking at trees and the beautiful plays of light and shadow. I can acknowledge that I am most of the time healthy. I can acknowledge that my body does such a great job of taking the best out of food I eat and let me let go of everything that doesn’t serve me.
I can see how many amazing friends I have. I am grateful that I can trust them. I am grateful for my man and how much he loves me.
I am spreading the good word about my divinely beautiful country called Slovenia. About her green rivers and mystical hills. And the delicious wine from those hills 😉
Every country I visited so far felt like the place I want to visit again, to take it in even better, to fall in love with it even more. So I am pretty good at feeling like the whole world is my home already.
Let me know in the comments (or hit the reply if you are receiving this via e-mail) what is your experience with this amazing exercise. If you are at the moment feeling overwhelmed with life, make sure that you sit down and actually write. It will help you, I promise.
A future me will be grateful to me in this moment.
I woke up with pain in the neck.
I felt a bit sick.
Pain in the neck is still here. I feel a bit less sick as I am typing this.
I made myself a coffee. Turned on computer. Took my dog out to pee.
I meant to stretch my body. I did a bit. While watching livestream from Katrina Ruth, where she talked about not letting your bullshit and drama that is going on around you be bigger than your dreams. I heard her talk about this many times. But today it hit me straight to the heart.
After a livestream I went straight to my Patreon page, edit it a bit and hit publish.
Patreon is a page where all kinds of artists publish their work and people who value their art pay them per creation or monthly fee and this way both sides are happy. Artists get paid and supporters regularly enjoy the work of their favourite artists, because the artist can actually focus on their craft instead of doing the shit that pays the bills and kills their souls.
So, I hit publish.
Went with my dog to school. He loves it so much.
And now I am here, in my grandpa’s kitchen typing this. Grandma is in the hospital, for almost two weeks already. A woman that didn’t go to the doctor for more than 20 years. But now she’s there.
Today is her birthday.
And grandpa is home alone. Well not anymore, ’cause I am here. He has dementia and someone has to be with him most of the time or else he makes something stupid.
My mum is going crazy. Working everyday, going to grandma, then taking care of grandpa. Sometimes I come to grandpa in the morning. Sometimes my uncle or aunt. Often kind neighbors. My mum feels guilty because neighbors are helping. How could she ever pay this back, she asks, with exhausted martyr type voice.
(Grandpa is eating sliced apples now and throwing half of it on the floor for my dog. I guess my dog don’t crave apples at the moment. I asked him (grandpa, not dog) if apples are good. “Good,” he says.)
I was afraid before, that I’m not gonna be able to write this post. Pain in the back, feeling sick, feeling all this mix of emotions because of my family. Wondering if world really need another aspiring writer. And then I read Katrina’s post on not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, yet still pressing play. And I cried.
And I decided it’s enough. I’m not gonna die with my dreams buried inside of me.
I don’t want voices of my past or voices of others, or daily drama, or whatever be more important that voice of my soul.
And even if I am not confident enough,
even if the voices will still haunt me and tell me I am not good enough and that nobody cares about what I have to say,
that I am too young or that my experiences don’t matter,
I’m gonna show up for me and what I love doing the most.
Writing and talking about all of these things I find important at the moment.
So if you want to join me on that path, I welcome you to visit my Patreon page, subscribe and buy me time for writing for as little as $1/per month or more.
I know it’s gonna be worth it. And I’m gonna go to deeper psychological and philosophical topics there, most of it will available only for Patrons, because as you may noticed, with my writing, I give a lot of personal examples and therefore I don’t always feel comfortable sharing everything with public. Not because I would have something to hide (but I certainly feel this way at moments), but mostly to protect identity of other people.
Imagine that things that I will share for Patrons only will be like things I only share with my soul-mate friends.
And I’m going to cook something for my grandpa now (:
P.S.: If you wonder what is going to happen with 3 Ptice, my brand with ecofriendly accessories…I don’t know yet for sure. For now I’m gonna keep it, as one of the income streams, because I still enjoy it and I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet (after putting 5 years of energy in it, it would feel like leaving a relationship). I also really like to paint while listening to educational/business/coaching lessons and podcasts. And when people pay full price for products I am still able to sneak in some writing, so that can be a good support…
Confusing card for 11 years old, I guess. But she liked these cards more than sweet Angel Keys ones. Little witch <3.
“What was your question?” I asked. “If it’s not a secret.”
“Teacher tells us all the time that the 6th grade is going to be much harder. I asked if this is true.”
“Ah, I see. These PAST LIVES could mean past grades. It depends on the knowledge you acquired in the past grades, what the 6th grade is going to be like.”
When we are going to the next level in life, there usually comes fear.
In the school, the next level was the next grade. In life, the next level is a new job, new business, new relationship or the expansion of the old one. Bigger life, using more of your potential, expanding your comfort zone, sharing more of you. Whatever it is for you.
In the school, the reward, the sign that you are on a good way, the feedback is some grade. Number or a letter.
In life, the reward, the sign that you are on a good way, the feedback, is more joy, more peace, more love, more money, status. Whatever it is for you.
What if that teacher that still lives inside us and scare us about how hard the next level is going to be would change the tape and start saying to us:
OMG, you are doing so great!
You did a great work so far, aren’t you curious about what’s next?
Do you want to go to the next level? I warn you, you are going to have epic fun and meet amazing people and you are going to expand so much in terms of knowledge and joy and freedom and love! It’s gonna keep on getting better and better and you are going to have so much fun!
What if it could really be this easy?
P.S.: I have one of these available as a cushion cover. Click here to get it. Or message me at firstname.lastname@example.org