Trying to manifest a partner? Maybe my story will inspire you.

For anyone who is trying to manifest a partner (or improve the relationship with a partner), maybe my story will inspire you.

I had some painful experiences around love as a teenager. Part of me is like, lol, you were just a teenager, of course you did have bad experiences. But another part of me knows better. When something hurts, it hurts no matter the age. Being betrayed hurts when you are kid, hurts when you are in your teens, hurts when you are an adult.

I already started reading woo woo (isn’t it cute, woo woo? I am quite woo woo, you know) books years prior that, but around 15, 16 I did it almost full time. At 17 or 18 when math teacher asked us what we are reading, I said a bit snobbishly that I’m starting reading novels again, because I got fed up a bit with pop-psychology. 😀

Anyway.

Somehow I learned somewhere about ascended masters and “I am” and violet flame. It seemed a bit out of the space, but it cannot hurt to try it, I thought.

Also, I read somewhere that you have to first love yourself. That chasing energy, “somebody love me please”, not good.

Okay. So I’m gonna learn to love myself and enjoy myself, if I have a guy or not. I played with that energy of violet flame I read about on the morning bus to school. Sometimes I would even see some faces in my minds eye, that seemed like they belonged to the past.

I was filling myself up with love.

I did this for I don’t know how many months. Somewhere between 3 or 6 or 9.

Then I started thinking that maybe I don’t even need a guy. Maybe I don’t even want a guy. I am having a time of my life. Girlfriends, fun, night life, some flirting here and there…

An ex wrote to me on Valentine’s day how am I. I am great, I said, I have an amazing day!

Yeah right, he said.

But it was true. I had an amazing day. Don’t remember what was going on, but I can still see bright light when I think of that day.

Two days later, I went out with girls. Didn’t feel like sneaking to the most popular club in town, underage and all, I went with one of my girls for a drink.

And there he was, that guy I never saw before in our little town. So cute. With big lips like boys from rap videos that I adored. And baggy jeans and sneakers. I felt warmth through my body. Through the whole torso, not just in my lady parts. It seemed like he is also looking at me.

He went outside and everything in me was saying “Go out, go out, go ask him something! He probably likes you too.” But what should I say to him?
I went out. He was leaning on the small wall, looking like he isn’t really there. I said “Do you feel sick?”

You know, teenagers and alcohol.

We started talking. He told me he was waiting for a girl he liked. He didn’t even see me before, because he was thinking about her. She said she’s gonna come and that they will meet, but then she canceled.

Oh, I said and then told him how is he perhaps feeling right now.

And then he looked at me and his eyes were shining. I still remember that shine in his eyes. It was like somebody finally understood him and at the same time like he is falling in love with me.

“That was easy” I thought. He really fell for me fast.

I thought we are going to kiss a bit that night and that’s gonna be it. But he was shy. We were sitting together on the bench and talking until his parents came to pick him up.

Two weeks later we were officially a couple.

11+ years later I love him more than ever. And he seems more beautiful to me than ever before.

During these years I had many doubts about him. All my childhood traumas came out. I copied my parents relationship subconsciously, even though I promised to myself that I am not gonna ever be as foolish as my parents, who hurt each other when they both wanted to be loved. But I was. I meant to leave him many times. I blamed him for not moving forward in my life. I felt we are too different to be together.

But there it was, that silver lining underneath it all that felt like pure pure love. And was that one good reason to stay, as Gaga would say.

And you know, it wasn’t him, who was preventing me from moving forward in life. It wasn’t that we are too different. It wasn’t him not being interested in tantra and spirituality and philosophy that made our relationship hard at times.

It was me not letting myself just be all that I am.

And when I let myself be me, he catches up super fast. And then I don’t know, was I always with such a master and I didn’t see it or he just receives information through my light. Or perhaps both.
<3

Also, I was working a lot on how I perceive male human beings this year. Got really honest with myself and took responsibility for my part. Let myself be coached around this.

And started realising that men are really awesome and sensitive and beautiful and spiritual, give fucking awesome advice and care deeply about us. And that perhaps tantra is natural for them, it’s us, women who are wanting it and at the same time blocking it, when we are trying to be something we are not.

Feminine, masculine, witch hunting, hiding and prophecy in the sky.

Feminine, masculine, witch hunting, hiding and prophecy in the sky.

There is a theme, that is going on for me this year.

I usually have more themes going on, meaning the things I study through observing in myself and in the world. And not only study, but also work on. Like a scientist, just that my lab is my mind-body and Life. 

And one of the themes this year is my relationship with masculine and feminine energy. It actually started last year already. 

This is something I haven’t shared publicly before. Just with few people that are very close to me, because it’s kinda crazy 😀 

Last year I was once chilling outside the house, meditating in a chair, soaking in the kind afternoon sun, when I got the feeling that something bigger than just me is going on. It was this feeling of expansion, something shifting, feeling me with joy and excitement. You know, this feeling that life is about to change in a good way?

I looked up into the sky and there was a cloud that looked like a falus and there was a circle that reminded me of yoni. Those two clouds started going together. And they came together. Sex in the sky. The clouds then formed to what reminded me of female body, pelvis to breasts area. And in the middle of it there was a moon. 

At that point, my body was already buzzing with excitement. What’s going on here? It felt super good. It felt like realms are changing. It felt like I stepped into another dimension. Like the ground beneath me has changed. New Earth I heard in my mind. I am walking on a new Earth. 

I went into the house to check out my tarot cards and the first card I saw was this one. 

Image source here.

Patience. So something has begun and now it’s time for patience? Wait and see. See this crazy synchronicity? Falus, yoni, female body, moon and this card with a pregnant woman and moon cycle above her? 

Words started coming out of me and I started writing them down.

I had to run to the toilet. My body was ready to release something, haha, and make space for new. 

This is what I wrote: 

I am walking on it. 
I am walking on a new ground. 
The gap became so small I could step over it. 
And I know the gap is closing behind me. 
Duuuum. Gong. 
Shit is leaving my body.
I am walking on a new ground. 
And what I decide to see is created. 
And the background is already divine. 

Svet je svet. (The world is divine)
Sveti sveto v sveti svet. (Shine divine to the divine world)
Sveti svet že sveti sveto v tebe. (Divine world already shines divine to you)

Heaven is a place on earth.
Every place.
Every cell.
I am beginning to see, not anymore begging to see.
I am beginning to live, here in heaven.

There were even more crazy synchronicities going on that day (and more mysterious things shown to me in the following months), connected with this one, but let me continue with I want to share. 

There’s a reason I didn’t share this before publicly. 

I didn’t feel safe. It seems kinda crazy all together. What if I am crazy? What if people will think I am crazy? What if I am just making things up in my mind?

Hmmm, which is kinda what we all do. Even scientists. They come up with a theory, with which they are trying to explain the world, and then they look for a proof. And usually the one who is searching finds what they are searching. And then they build even more theories on the top of that one, trying to solve missing pieces. Until someone shows up who dares to question and suddenly the whole theory collapses, because it was the wrong premise from the beginning.

Or not. But it happens.

That’s also why people believe in conspiracy theories. Who is searching for proof will find it. 

And as I believe in magic, I get signs when I look up in the sky.

We are all (okay, perhaps not all of us) trying to come up with a model of a world, as close to Reality as possible. And even I am not a fan of humility, oh do I accept it here. I give myself permission to change my mind. And I know, that there’s so much that I don’t know. And all the models of the world the others created and I studied so far or the once I created in my mind, well they can only go so far… but what is beyond all those models, what is beyond the symbols, what is beyond? Or maybe the question isn’t what is beyond, but what is here? Who is here? Who is the observer of the thinker? And who is the observer of the observer? It all comes down to nothing. No-thing. 

Image source here. 

Maybe John Snow actually knows something. I mean nothing. What?! 

Okay, that’s the way my mind goes. In a lot of different directions when I try to tell something. Back to the red line. 

After that “prophecy in the sky”, I started hearing a lot about divine feminine and divine masculine. Which translated to more earthly tones could simply be healthy feminine and healthy masculine. You know, as Nature intended it to be. 

So, at the beginning of this year, as I was observing my personal herstory and my experiences at the time, I realised I have work to do around how I perceive men. 

With me trying to express myself and claim my righteous place in the world (meaning just allowing myself to speak and create what I want in my life, living my life as I please, say yes to things I want and go for them, say no to things I don’t want – living my life like it’s mine to live, to put it simple).

There were quite some instances in my life when male human beings have said to me, what I can and what I can’t or what type of person I am. Of course, there were also women in that role. 

But focus on men. 

I realised through self observation that maybe there were men in my life who at some point kinda dictated me who I am and what I can(‘t) do, but when I repeat all these stuff constantly to myself, it’s me who is doing it to me. I am the oppressor, oppressing myself. 

It was super interesting, that shortly after that I came in touch with a coach Linda Kaun, who was all about working with feminine energy, but then realised, that what us women need, is to do some work on our inner masculine as well. 

I found her guide on this topic extremely helpful. 

So I started working on my inner representation of masculine energy and the effects in my outer world were amazing. I still have work on this to do, as it came clear to me in the last month, so maybe it’s time that I read the guide again.  

I had the experience in the previous month in which I felt betrayed by two men in my life that are close to me. Instead of accepting the role of a victim, I decided to accept the full responsibility for what is showing up in my life. 

As I decided that, the anger that I felt in my body started turning into power. I switch literally in few minutes from feeling pissed off to calm and happy me. I went to bed in peace. And had a dialogue with my inner masculine. I decided to feel supported by the masculine energy. 

The situation that pissed me off and seemed like a loss for me at first, changed during the night and I got support from an important man in my life the next day. Everything worked out in my favour. 

Why I woke up today at 5 am feeling totally inspired by 6 am to write about this? I had dreams about two men in my life that kinda changed the direction of my life for me in a way that feels to me like I am not allowed to be who I really am. Like I have to hide who I really am. 

I dug a lot into this program that I need to hide. That is not safe to be who I am. That I better hide my gifts. And the magic of who I really am. 

I realised, that those fears are perhaps not coming from this life, because I didn’t really have any life threatening experiences, yet something in my body felt like I need to hide, because if I show myself, if I speak my truth publicly, I can die. Of horrible death. 

This is not just mine. This is collective. The fear of public speaking is the top fear. Even more popular than fear of death. Even though in Western world we intellectually know nothing bad can happen to us if we go on stage or if put ourselves on camera, or if we share at the family meeting what we do, our bodies can be freaking scared.

We wanna run and hide. 

So, if we go back in time, we know many of our ancestors died of terrible deaths. Those fears are burned in our cells. You know, witch hunting etc. 

But what I realised in the last few weeks is, that perhaps it’s time that I look at the other side of this equation as well. 

Many of our ancestors were also bad guys.  Or at least they did bad things, if I make a distinction between the being and their actions.

Maybe we aren’t just the granddaughters of the witches they weren’t able to burn. Perhaps we are also the granddaughters of inquisitors. 

The human history is full of blood, full of killing each other. Sadly, we still spend shit tons of money for “defending” and killing each other instead for creating with each other. And we (our ancestors) were for sure on both sides of the history. Or all three sides. Victims, heroes and oppressors. 

And maybe it’s time to forgive the crimes that were done to us to be forgiven for the crimes we have done. 

Inside ourselves, inside our relationships with the opposite and the same sex, in our families, in our human family. 

And give peace a chance. 

Oh, patience! 

Trust.

Hello, my loves!

A fresh blog post after a long long time.

I’m having again this feeling, when I don’t know if the post will have any sense at the end, if there’s gonna be any value for you in it, if it’s gonna be worth your time… but I’m going to trust that since I feel the urge to write that this is now the most perfect thing for me to do, no matter the outcomes on my or on your side.

So, moving forward in trust. As I type and as an ongoing theme in my life. It’s probably a theme in your life as well. Trust.

Once I was pitching my business idea to a person, that could help me move it forward. As I explained to him some details, he asked why I would think it would work. “Trust,” I said. He said it isn’t enough. That it’s too soft. You cannot explain it to investors.

At the time I felt that maybe he was right… yet on the other hand, I wouldn’t even trust business people who don’t get that the trust is the most important ingredient of the business. Yes, we are working with humans and they can disappoint you. I trusted before and I’ve been disappointed. Even worse, people trusted me and I’ve disappointed them.

But you cannot move forward if you don’t trust. Trust that the next opportunity is right for you, if you feel it in your guts. Trust yourself that what you feel is real. Trust that you can decide what is right for you. Trust that if it turns out it wasn’t right, that you can make the best out of circumstances and move forward.

I used to sell 3 Ptice ecofriendly accessories on art markets, on streets. People sometimes made custom orders and paid upfront. There, on the street. Without any guarantee, that they would receive the product from me. And they saw me for the first time in their life. That was trust.

Interesting. Mmm, I wrote something delicious in my journal a few weeks ago… It’s connected with trust.

“I wish that all that happened to you

wouldn’t box you in a belief

that this is just the way the life is,

but instead I wish it encourages you,

to ask how it can be different,

how it can get better.”

 

So, this is my message for today. Tomorrow I will tell you in which areas of my life I am currently asking these questions and what were the results of asking them before.

Much love,

 

Anita

As a child I sometimes felt like a ping pong ball between my mother and father.

They didn’t want to talk with each other sometimes, so I went from one to another and told what the other one say and ask if it’s true.

And I would repeat it countless times to figure out what is the truth.

At times I would conclude that they are both idiots, haha, overcomplicating things, when actually what we all wanted was to be loved and do things together.

At times I felt like a victim because of these circumstances in my life and I am not denying they affected me and shaped me as a person.

But today I feel grateful for this. Because when I see two opposing sides fighting each other I can see both through the eyes of love and worthy of my love, even when I don’t agree with them (not that I am perfect, but every time I practice I get better at it).

ANTIPERSONAL BRAND

She is a (anti)personal brand. When she dies, she won’t be able to enjoy her legacy that’s why she does not care much about it now. She wants a life well lived. Maybe this could be a legacy? Well, fuck it, she is sick of listening about personal branding, niching, legacy, authority, so she will stop thinking about these things.

Otherwise she is holding the space for the planet of peace and freedom. And humans beings being human beings to human beings.

Her career started when she was born. She didn’t cry a lot because she was mostly observing this strange world she was put in. She is still super good at observing. But she cries way more.

After studying fashion design she got sick of fashion, mindless consumerism and new riches (and wannabes) buying status symbols to show off. She got even more sick of fast fashion and its effect on the world. Disgusting. She still buys two pairs of cheap shoes per year. Not hippie enough to walk barefoot all the time. Otherwise she wears secondhand and vintage clothes.

She gave up her philosophy studies, left the university and disappointed her mother all in the attempt to study life directly through living it. If she would continue her studies, she would be the top student in the class, as always. She went to spiritual university instead where she learned about microcosmos and macrocosmos and often fell asleep during the meditation.

Fashion called her back. She started a brand of eco-friendly accessories called 3 Ptice in 2012 with zero support from family. Okay, she got roof over the head, but no emotional support. In fact, everybody was saying to her that she won’t make it with this and expected from her to always be available for their requests, because she is working from home, after all.

Well sooner or later she started sending her accessories from little village in little Slovenia all over the world. Thanks to all the amazing customers who enjoy quality, uniqueness and don’t just chase status symbols.
After countless failures she started actually living from her little business, paid most of her debts, had a lot of fun, spent lots of time on the road and hell lot of a time behind the sewing machine listening to countless hours of TED talks, lectures on psychology, human mind, philosophy, business, mindset, spirituality etc.

Oh, she also moved her studio to Fürstova Hiša, a place in the nearest tiny town called Ptuj, where she enjoyed the company of other starving artists trying to serve the citizens who come to exhibitions mostly to dress up a bit and drink free wine (she likes free wine too).
She was organising markets with handmade and secondhand goods there.

She was occasionally taking on other jobs like selling books and working in production. She really enjoyed quitting both of those. However, bosses still wanted her back because she is a really good worker until she starts to feel that she is losing her life and mind capacity for mediocrity.
Oh, she also enjoyed working for Art Stays Festival of Contemporary Art where she did all kinds of stuff and had lots of fun. She kinda likes art that she doesn’t get.

Year 2016. Everything went well, she finally moved away from her mama, meant to hire an assistant to focus more of her time on writing (oh, she started her blogging career in 2007 pretending she is Carrie from Sex and The City).
And then she burned out.
She couldn’t work anymore. Well, she could if she could but couldn’t get herself to it. She was sleeping for 13 hours and staring to the ceiling.
She hated herself for being such a lazy bitch. She lived in guilt, shame and hiding.
When she wasn’t sleeping or forcing herself to do at least enough of sales to buy food, she tried everything to put herself back together.
She realised she is insane.

If she would be American she would call this time of her life spiritual awakening and made lots of money out of it. She’s working on it.

She saw Dark Goddess, she smelled the devil, she had prophetic dreams, she enjoyed the kingdom of heaven within for hours, she had episodes of being super clairvoyant, she saw the promise of divine feminine and masculine coming together in the sky and creating the new earth. Kundalini experiences, yeah, not her favourite thing in the world but still kinda fun hanging out with Ganesh and Buddha while light is flashing through your body and it feels like you are going to die.

She came in touch with coaching and realised this is her dream career. She could finally be paid for what she was doing for free all these years (people almost always pay her a drink because she is somebody that really listens to them, understands them and gives them life-changing feedback). Because she is born with it. She got into every course she could or couldn’t afford to learn even more. Still does. She is happy that what she loves and is naturally good at and cannot stop learning and researching about is now her career.

And she learned that she is not meant to work hard, but is here to provide people with guidance. If they ask her. Thanks Human Design. She always knew that but thought she is crazy, because everybody was preaching hard work to her.

She wrote this on her behalf, speaking about herself in 3rd person like narcissists do (even though she kinda doesn’t believe in narcissism) and she is going to stop now because she is starting to think how to thread in how freaking amazing and high evolved she is and how you must work with her in order to have more fun in life).

She is brutally honest (she reads you) and also one of the kindest and the most sunshiny person ever (she sees the best version of you). Both of these qualities make most people uncomfortable, but those who are willing to live on a whole new level will pay her big bucks to have a chance to speak with her. Can I get an amen? A men! Btw, she works with men and women and transgender.

Message her.
Anita Pukšič

Nope. I did not wake up early to make my man a sandwich.

I laugh on the inside, with a smile on my face, Pulaski at night on my ears, on repeat, dreams I dream long times ago coming into my memory and fading away.
I look pigeons at the neighbor’s roof. I wonder why morning or evening mist sometimes smells like an incense in a church.

Mmmm, this is why I woke up early.
To meditate. To make my art. To observe. To laugh. To listen to Pulaski at night on repeat.

.

“Let me wake up ten minutes earlier,” I said to my boyfriend. He secretly changed my alarm, because he wanted us to wake up at the same time. “I want to be alone in the kitchen in the morning, to make myself coffee without your mother asking me if the reason I woke up so early is to make you a sandwich.”
“Tell her next time that you woke up so early, because you have work to do, like the rest of us. She will be pleased to hear this.”

.

When I was six year old, I meant to brush my teeth, but I couldn’t get the toothpaste out of the tub. I took a razor that was lying there on washing machine and cut the tub. Plus my finger. The blood came out. I needed a plaster. What if mum will be angry at me when I come to her for a plaster? ‘What were you doing?!’ She will be mad. What story should I come up with? What happened to me?
Hmmm, but what if I tell the truth? I did nothing wrong. Why would I lie?
I decided that day that I won’t lie anymore. That I’m gonna speak the truth.
I broke this rule a few times in my teenage years, but otherwise is still something I live by.
Sometimes I don’t speak the truth because sometimes I rather stay silent.
That day, when I was around six and told my mum the truth, I realised that truth really does set you free. It was such a light feeling. I felt relieved I don’t have to make up a story and waste time trying to not get caught on a lie.

.

This morning in the kitchen I stayed mostly silent.
How to explain to 60+ somebody, who lived the life as she was taught, that I choose to live the life in another way? How to tell her that by me choosing differently, I don’t try to make her wrong?

.

I didn’t say I woke up earlier because I have to work.
I woke up earlier because of myself. I woke up earlier to make my art before anything else. I woke up earlier to have time for myself before anything else.
I woke up earlier to work on my art, which isn’t even work. It’s sitting here, typing the words. Looking at the distance, observing blocks of thoughts falling on it’s place. Going with the flow. Not even knowing what will come out of this. Not even knowing exactly what am I trying to say.

.

What am I trying to say?
Ah, I laugh at myself.
There is no one way. I don’t have the answers on how people should live. Let them live.
If my boyfriend’s mother thinks preparing a sandwich to her man in the morning is love in action, all I can do is let her live her way, let her live her version of love. It’s her life. Her art.

.

This is what I was trying to say. Not to have a point to prove. I just wanted to talk about art.
How much I love art.
I love how my perceptions of the world are changed through it.
I love how some other person put their life, their thoughts, their love, their emotions, their observations, their creative energy into a piece of work that expands my horizons.

I love how I don’t get it.
Oooh, I love how sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I cannot think. My body-mind goes blank. I feel spacious. There’s more space around me and I float in it. And then I expand myself again.

Sometimes there are no words to find. Like that time, when I was driving with those crazy people I currently work on a project with.
She was driving her car with green leather gloves on, like she came from some movie. Who drives the car with gloves on?
He put on a CD with fucking Bruckner and we were listening to it at a full volume.
The landscape I know so well and love so much was passing by.
I felt grateful to share the experience of driving in a car, through beautiful landscape, listening to classical music with other human beings.
It was that deep rich sense of gratitude that you can almost touch. The feeling of gratitude you feel when you live one of your dreams, when you experience it in your body.
The music kept on playing and my sight went from the outer landscape to my inner landscapes (where is the border, anyway?). The sound was going through my stomach, through my womb, through my arms. I was crying. ‘Why do you cry?’ I asked myself. ‘I don’t know why, I just cry’.
It was something beyond thoughts.

And it was beautiful. And so real.

“There seems to be a perception of thinking that when you are talking about something real you have to either tone it down or make it look a bit grey. I always think that you can have great truth in great beauty – the two things go naturally together.” – Paolo Sorrentino

I love how art of somebody else influences me. I love how in art of somebody else I find myself. I love how understood I feel by it. I love how I find myself and upgrade myself through it. I love this sex of minds, that spiritual-sexual-natural-life (isn’t it all the same thing?) energy exchanged that takes place through art. I love how I take my pleasure out of it.

I love how I fall and rise in deeper sense of beauty and truth through art.
I love how rich I feel thanks to art.

I love how my walk through the fields is art itself. It’s something so beautiful. So rich with nature. So rich with thought forms of my mind that finally get enough space to be. So rich with inner peace and stillness. So rich with excitement. So rich with beauty. So rich with truth that I yet don’t know but can sense it. Haha, I am trying to explain it, because I am trying to share with you, this piece of my life that is pure art, but as I am explaining it, I am kinda losing it, like water slipping through my fingers.

Maybe we don’t need to share all of our thoughts, all of our truth, all of our art.
Maybe sometimes is enough to just enjoy it.
Maybe sometimes is enough to be an art, an artist and my own audience and have it all for myself. Just like god.

.
It’s time for me to take a walk on the wild side, to experience those fields on a whole new day, on a whole new level once again.

Do you feel like a burden? (Stories we tell ourselves and how to change them)

Guys, this is a really personal post. I wrote it two months ago in my online journal (in which I do mindset work and self-coaching mostly and keep track of my progress). Today, when I opened the journal to do some journaling, around my perceptions around support and being supported (will write about this later, because it’s super important and valuable), this page popped up. And I started reading it and was like whoaah… I wrote this in the first half of January, but I felt like it’s even further away. My perception of myself changed so much already. And what I receive from “outside” world changed as well. It’s interesting, that when I was writing the post bellow, I meant to post it, but I didn’t have guts to do it. I wasn’t ready yet. But today, I have this feeling that I gotta share it with you.

I would especially like that you are aware of the questions I am asking myself. The story, I was telling myself it’s just a story, and if I keep repeating it, I’m gonna get more of the same. But by telling it, I honour it, because story wants to be heard, and then by utilizing the power of questions, I start writing a new story for myself. And now I live that new story. It’s such a difference, I cannot even tell! How much more alive and confident I am.

Warning: this post can be triggering if you are playing the story patterns alike this one in your mind -> and it can also be super powerful and healing if you let it.

So, let’s go to my story, my journal entry from two months ago:

***

 

Ever since I was child I felt like an outsider. Never really fitting in no matter how much I tried.

I always felt the best when hanging out 1:1 with people, but as soon as there was one person extra, I started to feel like I don’t fit in.

My happiest memories are the times when I felt like I belong to larger groups. But those were just the moments and sooner or later I would start to feel like an outsider again.

Even in the same evening.

I started to feel like people don’t really like and that perhaps they are talking shit about me behind their backs.

I would start to look for an escape. How can I run away as fast as possible. But it’s usually unpolite to just run away so I would stay there, quiet, waiting for shit to be over as soon as possible. It became easier through the times to say that I am going now, yet still feeling a bit of hope that they would say “Please, stay, we enjoy your company.” And at the same time hoping they won’t ask any questions, because I would feel like I could burst into tears.

If someone in the group would start to talk about somebody or if the group would have some joke that I weren’t aware of, I would feel like the joke was on me. Did I say anything wrong at some point and I don’t remember it? Did I break any rule of the group? Are they trying to get rid of me?

I would then always try to be the most perfect member of the group, listening to everybody, making sure that everyone was included, trying to please everybody. If I would lose myself in the conversation with somebody, then I would feel guilty about people I didn’t include and I would apologise to them. Which I think is normal, of course.

 

But this sense of responsibility would sooner or later become a burden. Instead of enjoying the experience I would feel all sorts of emotions. Anger at myself because I am thinking all the time about how I am perceived. Anger at people around me because they don’t notice that I am there and give me a voice. Anger at people for turning to me when they need something or when they need someone to listen to them. Sometimes I would go to the toilet and breathe or do some quick rounds of EFT to build strenght and go back to the group only to feel like a wallflower again.

When I would really want to say something, because I would know 100% that it’s valuable, because I am good at seeing solutions, I would cough first and feel intense feelings in my body. When I would start to speak and get the attention of the group, I would feel like I need to tell my thing really fast so that I wouldn’t bother people with too much details. And then I would look down, afraid of checking in with the group if anyone sees how brilliant is my idea. Perhaps already feeling silly for even exposing myself. If I would get a compliment from the group leader, I would feel a burst of pride in myself and the half of a second later already the shame for even feeling the pride and sense of fear that everyone can see what’s going on in me.

Sometimes when I drinked wine I really started talking and couldn’t stop and then the next day I would feel like the worst person on the planet for wanting people to listen to me.

 

Even when I am celebrating my birthday with my family, I always feel like an outsider at the table.

 

Usually, when I go outside I must be in a really good mood, because I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. So people often see me as a sunshine, but when I am alone I am often depressed and asking myself what is wrong with me.

 

Why am I talking about this?

Because a few hours ago a question popped into my mind. I am really into coaching and I want to be a coach (trying out every technique, getting into every program I can afford and reading every possible book on the subject + using coaching on myself all the time) and the questions are the holy grail of coaching, really.

 

And the question was: if I would believe that my circumstances are the match for beliefs I have about myself, what are those beliefs considering my circumstances?

 

And the first answer was:

I am a parasite.

 

Harsh. I know.

 

Then I would remember that more aproppriate term for this in the psychology would be a burden.

 

Interesting, I often drew a tarot card with burden in the past year.

 

Anyway. When I look back through my childhood it becomes obvious how I got this belief.

A few examples:

My brother being angry at me because I wanted to hang out with him and his friends.

My mum saying “Why did I have to marry this man?! My life became shit when I met this guy.” “Hm, mum, if you wouldn’t be with him there would be no me and my brother…”

My mum freaking out because of all the things she had to pay and feeling scared because she couldn’t pay bill for the food in my school (which made me feel super guilty, because I didn’t like 60% percent of the food there and was often throwing it away, fucking sandwiches most of the time).

My mother not letting me go to birthday parties of classmates, because then she would have to buy a gift and because she didn’t want me to be a burden for somebody else and because then I would have to invite those kids back and that would be an extra burden for her.

Both mother and father telling me “Look how hard I work for you and you are so ungrateful and you are saying such and such things to me.”

My brother always being mad at me because I was more successful one and didn’t have to work as hard as him or at least not such hard things.

 

You get the picture.

 

How this belief manifested in my life? Besides social anxiety that I already kinda mentioned above.

I have a lot of debt. Even when I got out of it I got back into it very fast. Which is strong burden on me. And I feel like a burden for all the people I owe money. And feeling like a burden to people who owe me money.

I feel responsible for all the troubles of my family. Not that I caused them, but I feel responsible to solve them. Which is also a burden on me.

I sometimes don’t feel worthy of pleasure. Which makes me feel like I am a burden in the bed and can’t relax or I feel resentful for not getting the attention I want and feel like my partner is the burden.

I constantly feel overwhelmed, no matter how much is on my plate.

Now that I am living kinda half at my boyfriend’s parents house and half at my mother’s house, I feel at his place like I shouldn’t be in a sight to much. And when I go make myself coffee or something I feel like I am taking too much. I am feeling like a burden on their household.

In my business, I have troubles of charging what my products are worth, because I feel like I am doing something bad to people with taking their money / I am afraid of collaborating with people, because I don’t want to be burden for them or I am afraid of putting too much weight on my shoulders and being overwhelmed for the same reason.

I don’t want to ask for help, because it would crash me down and I would feel humiliated.

 

So, what I can do about this?

Well, some self coaching of course!

 

What would I feel like if would’t have this thought that I am a burden?

I would feel relaxed in company of people.

I would share more about myself and my work with others.

I would feel more confident in my marketing activities.

I would have more fun.

I would offer my services more often.

I would feel like my work is meaningful for people.

 

How would I behave?

I would ask for what I want.

I would feel confident doing my things, without worry that I should go and do something for someone else.

I would just go for what I want.

 

What would my attitude be like?

I would be unapologetic.

I would feel like I deserve what I want.

I would tell people who try to bring me down to fuck off.

I would stop protecting myself from people and their criticism in advance.

I wouldn’t give a fuck about a lot of things.

I would be more honest.

 

(Here is when I get into new experience of self): Now that I don’t carry this burden of being a burden anymore, I feel free. I am able to breath. I feel less responsible for feelings of others. Ahahaha, omg, I see that others can simply ask if they want something from me and I don’t have to guess their wishes in advance. I feel free to do my thing. I feel so much more relaxed and in my body. I feel calm and satisfied with my day.

 

What’s the opposite of feeling like a burden?

I feel like a gift.

I know I am a gift for myself and for others.

I feel confident about myself.

I am gifted.

I enjoy my presence and others enjoy my presence as well.

I love being myself.

 

* * *

 

I hope this is useful for you guys! Let me know.

 

And if you are not on my e-mail list yet, make yourself a favour and get on it.

Hop on it —>>here<<— if you want to receive my updates in English.

Hop on it —>>here<<— if you want to receive my updates in Slovene.

 

Love,

Anita

Scream

Yesterday I cried. Again.
The anger was bubbling up in me.
After a day well spent painting on the tote bags, where I found my inner peace again…
I started feeling like I still can’t.
Can’t just be me and show what’s inside of me and be loved.
And it feels stupid writing this again.
I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again.
Fighting with voices in my head, that say who cares what’s inside of you.
Get a real job. Act responsible. Grow up already. Who do you think you are, thinking that you could be a writer, thinking that you could be artist, philosopher, thinking that you could just be you and have a place in the world?

And it’s all I ever wanted. For all of us. For the whole world. I have this core belief, that if we could all just do what we love, that the world would work perfectly. Because we all have such diverse interests. It surprise me again and again in a positive way, that somebody likes things and want to do things and is interested in things that I don’t give a single fuck about. And I want them to do that thing! It’s one of my favourite things, when I see people light up when they talk about what they really want to do. I enjoy their joy like it’s mine, even if they talk about something that I don’t dream of doing.

And this now makes me feel alive. Putting those words on the screen. I like how that text editor font in wordpress reminds me of typewriter font.
I felt alive yesterday when I was painting with black ink whatever came out of me and even though I thought I’m gonna mess it all up, I saw the beauty in that mess once I put it on the canvas.
It was like another thing I just love. I have this special ability that people tell me things that they feel ashamed about, little secrets that they don’t tell nobody else. And I just love how I see beauty in their mess. How much peace I feel. How much love I feel for them. I feel like “Darling, don’t you see that you are too hard on yourself? This little mistake you made is nothing, it doesn’t make you any less beautiful, it doesn’t make you any less lovable, it doesn’t make you any less worthy of my friendship. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of the all of the love there is in the world.”
Sometimes I laugh at people telling me their problems. Like really laugh. From my heart and my belly. I see the stories they are telling me like I am watching a movie. And through that laugh I laugh at myself and my dramas just as much. And I see it all as beautiful at those moments.

Human life. Whole human beings.

With whole specter from depths of despair to to that enlightened state when you see everything as perfect and as love.

Ahhhh. I feel so good already.
But back to screaming and crying.

I would probably forgot about it, if it wouldn’t be for my boyfriend.

Who has a stable job now, a thing that everybody around him wanted for him… yet he was moody in the morning.
“Yes, I go to work, I bring the money, yet I hate it. Every morning.”

I see his soul screaming.

As I felt yesterday in the evening my soul screaming, my inner child raging from the inside, screaming at me to fucking let it out already!!!

Do what you want already!!

And even though I am kinda doing what I want, there’s that mind full of chatter, full of rules, full of voices of the people from my past and present, who taught me how I should live.

And I had this probably one hour long silent scream yesterday. With tears streaming down my face. I screamed and and I was tapping myself (EFT) and I cried.
It came to the point, when I wasn’t crying just for myself anymore… I was crying for everybody. For whole history of women. For all the children. For all the men. For the Mother Nature. I was crying for all of us wild beings, who were put into a fucking mold of religious rights and wrongs.

I was crying for all the victims of the Christian religion. I was crying for myself that I’ve been baptized in this shit without my permission.

I was crying for everybody who has been told that there is something wrong with them at their core and that they need to do something they don’t want to be saved.

Ahhhh.

Okay, that’s it for now. I will probably continue writing on this topic.
Now enjoy my hand painted tote bags. And send me a message, if you want one for yourself.

Love, Anita

1/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

2/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

3/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

4/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

5/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

Why I ended my 3 Ptice prebirthday -50% sale

I am writing this for you and I am writing this for me.

When I decided to make this prebirthday sale it felt totally like the right thing to do and it was the right thing to do and I took action fast.

Now I want to share with you my insights about myself I got during this and insights about society and the human race.

So, let’s go to the background. In the last year I isolated myself a lot from people. I said no to many things. I was alone a lot. I was asking myself who am I really and what do I want to do and how I want to do it. And of course I was observing myself and society and the world.

I didn’t watch a lot of movies or read many books because it was more interesting to watch what’s going on inside of me. It was like I am the main character in a movie and I was watching it and living it at the same time.

But more about next time, because it’s pretty wide topic and the things I saw in me are everything between heaven and hell and even beyond that.

What matters for this story I am telling right now is that I went to heaven. Not heaven like after death, but realising I can live heaven right here, right now if I put on the first place what really matters to me. Freedom, peace, art. And I did it. And so many things started to shift and my life started to be more and more amazing in every aspect.

And then… there’s always and then, eh? 😛 Then few things happened and I went back to the hell of my mind.

I will only expose one thing here, because it’s connected to the business and this 3 Ptice prebirthday sale.

My business started going really well, because I started putting myself out there more and started talking about things that matter to me and I was so happy with myself, because I knew I am on my way. Money was coming in regularly, I was in a zone of genius and I had the courage to speak about insights I got. The vibe I had was “life is a festival”. I was always at the right place at the right time doing the right thing. It was like the police could stop me and punish me, because I was feeling so good, so high, high on life.

And then that little thing happened. I was at friend’s apartment and I saw his painting and I was like “Wooow, can I put this on a tote bag?” And he was like “Of course.” And then he asked me how much I am going to sell it for. And I said that at least 20€. And the noise that came out of his nose was “Khm.”

Which I explained to myself as “You are greedy for wanting that much.” Probably because that friend told me before that he thinks my prices are too high. Which many people here in Slovenia think, I cannot tell you how many times I heard that before.

Of course my sales dropped then because I had this vibe of being a bad greedy person. And I started hiding. I was still showing up, but not like a bright star, but like an afraid little candle in the wind.

It’s funny to see this written and I am sure you are having lots of advice for me while reading this. Don’t worry, I know them all at the mental level.

But on the emotional level it’s another story. I want to be loved. I want people to think well of me. Especially I want my close friends and family to think well of me and love me.

And even though this friend was never in business himself and doesn’t know what it takes I took his “khm” to my heart.

And to my mind. And I did this prebirthday sale as an experiment. I knew that giving 50% off is a total no brainer and that people are going to buy.

I am also excited when avocados or bananas are 50% percent off.

But let’s go now to self worth. You can read everywhere that prices you put on your products and services are the reflection of your self-worth.

So, orders started coming in there was a lot of work. I had lots of things in stock already, I was sewing a lot and put everything in my amazing ecofriendly packages, I was constantly on the phone replying to people or meeting with them and giving them products. Mind you, I have the most amazing customers, so there was lots of love in there.

And it felt good to have all these orders coming in and it felt good to work hard.

But after a week or two of this sale I realised that even though I made lots of sales, there was no profit. I bought some food, put some gas in my car, bought necessary materials, paid some things and that was it.

Of course on the outside it seems to people like whoa, you are doing so good, I see how much sales are you making.

And of course it felt super good to me when I saw how happy all my customers were.

But back to self-worth. Few weeks ago I started asking myself, how the fuck self-worth feels like. And I had no feeling around this. On a mental level, I know that what I do is good and what I am is like next level amazing. But I had no feeling around it.

In my childhood, I was rewarded when I was working really hard. My mum was proud of me when I cleaned the whole house so that when she stepped in was like whoah, everything shining. And then she was happy and I got a chocolate. I always had the best grades in school, because I love knowledge. I didn’t put in much work in learning (I usually pretended that I am learning or doing homework, so that I didn’t have to do work around the house and I was reading novels). And it was normal at home that I have the best grades. So it was really hard for me when my friend told me they are celebrating with going out for pizza when she gets the best grades. Or when at the end of the school year some kids got cool gifts. And I got chocolate.

This is not now blaming my parents, because the financial situation was the way it was.  But what I learned through this was that when I work really hard and do everything possible, I get a little reward and some love. And when I don’t have to try hard, and therefore I use this time for something I love to do, but of course hiding while doing it, I get a little reward.

So, no matter what I do my pattern around self-worth is, that I get to receive something little. It’s funny that I didn’t feel comfortable selling my products for original prices and promoting them, but when I had -50%, I felt comfortable promoting. Because this way no one could say it’s too much and that I am not working hard enough.

Now let’s go to the financial situation in Slovenia. When most people earn around 600 or 700€ neto and most of it goes for living expenses, it’s kinda logical that my prices are too high for them. Even though my products last for years and years.

It’s this collective cloud of struggle and working hard. Slovenian folks are going to work in northern countries if they want to earn a little bit more and folks from the south are coming to Slovenia if they want to earn an extra euro. And we are all getting less than we are worth.

Now I would like to go to the global situation. I did tons of mindset work in the past year and what I repeatedly hear from all those mindset teachers is that you get paid to the proportion of value you provide for the world and the impact you have.

But I cannot agree with this. Because I see so many people doing things that are of value for the whole world yet they don’t get paid for it. I cannot see how somebody who builds our roads, gets paid a minimum barely enough to survive, yet his work is of value for all of us and has an impact on all of us. I do get it when thought leaders are paid a lot for the value they provide for their followers through their words and impact those words have and how that change people’s lives. I think their work is worth the money and I am happy to pay them so that they can expand my mind.

Yet still, I think we have a problem as a society that we measure the value of human life in money and impact.

Aren’t we all humans and we all deserve to live well? No matter if we build roads, make art, write poetry, raise kids, provide food, clean houses, or speak to millions? Or if we are old, sipping wine and watching memories of our lives in our mind’s eye.

That’s why I am huge advocate for universal basic income. If we have money, which is amazing invention of the human mind, and we need it if we want to live in civilization, it’s only fair in my opinion that everybody gets a sum of money that covers his living expenses. Imagine how much less fear and heavy energy would be in the air if people wouldn’t have to worry whether they can buy food or not, pay bills or not.

What comes up when I talk with people about this, “What about those who would take advantage of this and do nothing?”

And my thoughts are, that those who take advantage over others are already doing it and we shouldn’t deprive everybody because of this.

Yes, I believe in “Don’t give man a fish, teach him how to catch a fish.” But how will you teach somebody who is starving how to fish, when his mind-body is in fight or flight or frozen mode? We all know we learn better when we are relaxed.

Lots of studies were already done on the subject of universal basic income and I encourage you to read them. It is kinda socialistic idea. But it doesn’t demand that we are all the same. Because humans are not all the same. But we are all valuable. And if somebody wants to earn millions or billions they still can. In fact, if their service is really valuable, they gonna earn them even easier, because even more people will be able to give them money. But as free folks, not as modern day slaves.

If we come back to the sale I ended before the date and my self-worth.

I am recognizing that I am worthy of getting paid well for what I do, either with painting on the tote bags, recycling old clothes and scraps in beautiful pouches, diving into my own subconscious and collective mind, thinking deep thoughts and writing them. It’s only logical, that if I am in business, I must have a profit if I want to grow it. I am worthy of spending quality time with friends. I am worthy eating healthy food. I am worthy of enjoying the nature and meditating on the sofa with my dog by my side.

I am worthy of living a quality life and so is everybody else on this planet.

It’s not rich against poor. Left against right. It’s about recognizing that we are all in this together.

 

Love and compassion,

Anita,

3 Ptice

quote tote bag

Embrace the madness

Multitasking.

Making sense out of things. Going beyond need for sense.

Coming back. Making up a story. Letting go of the story.

Making a plan. Going all in. Letting go of the need for it to come true.

Going all in anyway.

Making it too important again. Having a mental breakdown.

Putting yourself back together, like it’s nothing.

Going all in again.

Enjoying it, give me more. More, more, more!

 

Wearing: Secondhand tights & top; Amisu cardigan (gift); vintage floral shorts; 3 Ptice tote bag painted by Sabina Jin Jang Art (sooner or later you will be able to buy it too. Be patient); random fake all stars.

Big sale of 3 Ptice ecofriendly accessories is going on right now and you are missing out. Let’s do something about it, okay? Go to 3 Ptice Etsy store and get that tote you’ve been watching for some time now for 50 freaking % off. Only till 24th of October, when 3 Ptice are celebrating 5th Birthday. It sounds like a lot of time till 24th of October? Guess what, if you don’t act now, you might never will.