For anyone who is trying to manifest a partner (or improve the relationship with a partner), maybe my story will inspire you.
I had some painful experiences around love as a teenager. Part of me is like, lol, you were just a teenager, of course you did have bad experiences. But another part of me knows better. When something hurts, it hurts no matter the age. Being betrayed hurts when you are kid, hurts when you are in your teens, hurts when you are an adult.
I already started reading woo woo (isn’t it cute, woo woo? I am quite woo woo, you know) books years prior that, but around 15, 16 I did it almost full time. At 17 or 18 when math teacher asked us what we are reading, I said a bit snobbishly that I’m starting reading novels again, because I got fed up a bit with pop-psychology. 😀
Somehow I learned somewhere about ascended masters and “I am” and violet flame. It seemed a bit out of the space, but it cannot hurt to try it, I thought.
Also, I read somewhere that you have to first love yourself. That chasing energy, “somebody love me please”, not good.
Okay. So I’m gonna learn to love myself and enjoy myself, if I have a guy or not. I played with that energy of violet flame I read about on the morning bus to school. Sometimes I would even see some faces in my minds eye, that seemed like they belonged to the past.
I was filling myself up with love.
I did this for I don’t know how many months. Somewhere between 3 or 6 or 9.
Then I started thinking that maybe I don’t even need a guy. Maybe I don’t even want a guy. I am having a time of my life. Girlfriends, fun, night life, some flirting here and there…
An ex wrote to me on Valentine’s day how am I. I am great, I said, I have an amazing day!
Yeah right, he said.
But it was true. I had an amazing day. Don’t remember what was going on, but I can still see bright light when I think of that day.
Two days later, I went out with girls. Didn’t feel like sneaking to the most popular club in town, underage and all, I went with one of my girls for a drink.
And there he was, that guy I never saw before in our little town. So cute. With big lips like boys from rap videos that I adored. And baggy jeans and sneakers. I felt warmth through my body. Through the whole torso, not just in my lady parts. It seemed like he is also looking at me.
He went outside and everything in me was saying “Go out, go out, go ask him something! He probably likes you too.” But what should I say to him?
I went out. He was leaning on the small wall, looking like he isn’t really there. I said “Do you feel sick?”
You know, teenagers and alcohol.
We started talking. He told me he was waiting for a girl he liked. He didn’t even see me before, because he was thinking about her. She said she’s gonna come and that they will meet, but then she canceled.
Oh, I said and then told him how is he perhaps feeling right now.
And then he looked at me and his eyes were shining. I still remember that shine in his eyes. It was like somebody finally understood him and at the same time like he is falling in love with me.
“That was easy” I thought. He really fell for me fast.
I thought we are going to kiss a bit that night and that’s gonna be it. But he was shy. We were sitting together on the bench and talking until his parents came to pick him up.
Two weeks later we were officially a couple.
11+ years later I love him more than ever. And he seems more beautiful to me than ever before.
During these years I had many doubts about him. All my childhood traumas came out. I copied my parents relationship subconsciously, even though I promised to myself that I am not gonna ever be as foolish as my parents, who hurt each other when they both wanted to be loved. But I was. I meant to leave him many times. I blamed him for not moving forward in my life. I felt we are too different to be together.
But there it was, that silver lining underneath it all that felt like pure pure love. And was that one good reason to stay, as Gaga would say.
And you know, it wasn’t him, who was preventing me from moving forward in life. It wasn’t that we are too different. It wasn’t him not being interested in tantra and spirituality and philosophy that made our relationship hard at times.
It was me not letting myself just be all that I am.
And when I let myself be me, he catches up super fast. And then I don’t know, was I always with such a master and I didn’t see it or he just receives information through my light. Or perhaps both.
Also, I was working a lot on how I perceive male human beings this year. Got really honest with myself and took responsibility for my part. Let myself be coached around this.
And started realising that men are really awesome and sensitive and beautiful and spiritual, give fucking awesome advice and care deeply about us. And that perhaps tantra is natural for them, it’s us, women who are wanting it and at the same time blocking it, when we are trying to be something we are not.