There is a theme, that is going on for me this year.
I usually have more themes going on, meaning the things I study through observing in myself and in the world. And not only study, but also work on. Like a scientist, just that my lab is my mind-body and Life.
And one of the themes this year is my relationship with masculine and feminine energy. It actually started last year already.
This is something I haven’t shared publicly before. Just with few people that are very close to me, because it’s kinda crazy 😀
Last year I was once chilling outside the house, meditating in a chair, soaking in the kind afternoon sun, when I got the feeling that something bigger than just me is going on. It was this feeling of expansion, something shifting, feeling me with joy and excitement. You know, this feeling that life is about to change in a good way?
I looked up into the sky and there was a cloud that looked like a falus and there was a circle that reminded me of yoni. Those two clouds started going together. And they came together. Sex in the sky. The clouds then formed to what reminded me of female body, pelvis to breasts area. And in the middle of it there was a moon.
At that point, my body was already buzzing with excitement. What’s going on here? It felt super good. It felt like realms are changing. It felt like I stepped into another dimension. Like the ground beneath me has changed. New Earth I heard in my mind. I am walking on a new Earth.
I went into the house to check out my tarot cards and the first card I saw was this one.
Patience. So something has begun and now it’s time for patience? Wait and see. See this crazy synchronicity? Falus, yoni, female body, moon and this card with a pregnant woman and moon cycle above her?
Words started coming out of me and I started writing them down.
I had to run to the toilet. My body was ready to release something, haha, and make space for new.
This is what I wrote:
I am walking on it.
I am walking on a new ground.
The gap became so small I could step over it.
And I know the gap is closing behind me.
Shit is leaving my body.
I am walking on a new ground.
And what I decide to see is created.
And the background is already divine.
Svet je svet. (The world is divine)
Sveti sveto v sveti svet. (Shine divine to the divine world)
Sveti svet že sveti sveto v tebe. (Divine world already shines divine to you)
Heaven is a place on earth.
I am beginning to see, not anymore begging to see.
I am beginning to live, here in heaven.
There were even more crazy synchronicities going on that day (and more mysterious things shown to me in the following months), connected with this one, but let me continue with I want to share.
There’s a reason I didn’t share this before publicly.
I didn’t feel safe. It seems kinda crazy all together. What if I am crazy? What if people will think I am crazy? What if I am just making things up in my mind?
Hmmm, which is kinda what we all do. Even scientists. They come up with a theory, with which they are trying to explain the world, and then they look for a proof. And usually the one who is searching finds what they are searching. And then they build even more theories on the top of that one, trying to solve missing pieces. Until someone shows up who dares to question and suddenly the whole theory collapses, because it was the wrong premise from the beginning.
Or not. But it happens.
That’s also why people believe in conspiracy theories. Who is searching for proof will find it.
And as I believe in magic, I get signs when I look up in the sky.
We are all (okay, perhaps not all of us) trying to come up with a model of a world, as close to Reality as possible. And even I am not a fan of humility, oh do I accept it here. I give myself permission to change my mind. And I know, that there’s so much that I don’t know. And all the models of the world the others created and I studied so far or the once I created in my mind, well they can only go so far… but what is beyond all those models, what is beyond the symbols, what is beyond? Or maybe the question isn’t what is beyond, but what is here? Who is here? Who is the observer of the thinker? And who is the observer of the observer? It all comes down to nothing. No-thing.
Maybe John Snow actually knows something. I mean nothing. What?!
Okay, that’s the way my mind goes. In a lot of different directions when I try to tell something. Back to the red line.
After that “prophecy in the sky”, I started hearing a lot about divine feminine and divine masculine. Which translated to more earthly tones could simply be healthy feminine and healthy masculine. You know, as Nature intended it to be.
So, at the beginning of this year, as I was observing my personal herstory and my experiences at the time, I realised I have work to do around how I perceive men.
With me trying to express myself and claim my righteous place in the world (meaning just allowing myself to speak and create what I want in my life, living my life as I please, say yes to things I want and go for them, say no to things I don’t want – living my life like it’s mine to live, to put it simple).
There were quite some instances in my life when male human beings have said to me, what I can and what I can’t or what type of person I am. Of course, there were also women in that role.
But focus on men.
I realised through self observation that maybe there were men in my life who at some point kinda dictated me who I am and what I can(‘t) do, but when I repeat all these stuff constantly to myself, it’s me who is doing it to me. I am the oppressor, oppressing myself.
It was super interesting, that shortly after that I came in touch with a coach Linda Kaun, who was all about working with feminine energy, but then realised, that what us women need, is to do some work on our inner masculine as well.
I found her guide on this topic extremely helpful.
So I started working on my inner representation of masculine energy and the effects in my outer world were amazing. I still have work on this to do, as it came clear to me in the last month, so maybe it’s time that I read the guide again.
I had the experience in the previous month in which I felt betrayed by two men in my life that are close to me. Instead of accepting the role of a victim, I decided to accept the full responsibility for what is showing up in my life.
As I decided that, the anger that I felt in my body started turning into power. I switch literally in few minutes from feeling pissed off to calm and happy me. I went to bed in peace. And had a dialogue with my inner masculine. I decided to feel supported by the masculine energy.
The situation that pissed me off and seemed like a loss for me at first, changed during the night and I got support from an important man in my life the next day. Everything worked out in my favour.
Why I woke up today at 5 am feeling totally inspired by 6 am to write about this? I had dreams about two men in my life that kinda changed the direction of my life for me in a way that feels to me like I am not allowed to be who I really am. Like I have to hide who I really am.
I dug a lot into this program that I need to hide. That is not safe to be who I am. That I better hide my gifts. And the magic of who I really am.
I realised, that those fears are perhaps not coming from this life, because I didn’t really have any life threatening experiences, yet something in my body felt like I need to hide, because if I show myself, if I speak my truth publicly, I can die. Of horrible death.
This is not just mine. This is collective. The fear of public speaking is the top fear. Even more popular than fear of death. Even though in Western world we intellectually know nothing bad can happen to us if we go on stage or if put ourselves on camera, or if we share at the family meeting what we do, our bodies can be freaking scared.
We wanna run and hide.
So, if we go back in time, we know many of our ancestors died of terrible deaths. Those fears are burned in our cells. You know, witch hunting etc.
But what I realised in the last few weeks is, that perhaps it’s time that I look at the other side of this equation as well.
Many of our ancestors were also bad guys. Or at least they did bad things, if I make a distinction between the being and their actions.
Maybe we aren’t just the granddaughters of the witches they weren’t able to burn. Perhaps we are also the granddaughters of inquisitors.
The human history is full of blood, full of killing each other. Sadly, we still spend shit tons of money for “defending” and killing each other instead for creating with each other. And we (our ancestors) were for sure on both sides of the history. Or all three sides. Victims, heroes and oppressors.
And maybe it’s time to forgive the crimes that were done to us to be forgiven for the crimes we have done.
Inside ourselves, inside our relationships with the opposite and the same sex, in our families, in our human family.
And give peace a chance.