I sent out an e-mail to my e-mail list.
I thought it was pretty good. I provided value + felt proud of myself that I am stepping up in my coaching business and offering people an option to work with me. Which I was in total resistance around, even though I trust in my skills, because I was afraid of people rejecting me.
Half a day later I check my gmail and there was an un-subscribe. Somebody doesn’t like what I am saying.
Most of the people who run their business from an authentic place, will say to you that un-subscribes are good, because this means you are speaking your truth and those who don’t resonate with it, will fall away. And that you should take this as a compliment.
Which I did.
But then I opened that e-mail and when I saw who un-subscribed, ouch, it was like a knife to my heart.
A girl that I know in real life and admire her, because she is really special. She has that quality of inner beauty that shines out through her and gives her a special aura.
I felt hurt.
Thoughts started running through my head.
Did my e-mail suck? Do I suck?
What does she think of me? Will she speak about me to her friends, how much my e-mails suck?
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
I felt like crying.
My inner psychologist kicked in.
What this reminds you of? When was the first time you felt rejected? Childhood memories?
Do you really know why she un-subscribed?
“Of course not, there could be more reasons and I cannot really know the real one unless I ask her!!”
How will I behave when I meet her on the street?!
My inner motivator started asking me:
Will you let this stop you? Do not do this again! There are people who need your message, who need your services! Do not repeat that old mistake of yours again, when you are trying to prove your worth to people who don’t want you, focus on those who love you, focus on those that you are here to serve.
Dum dum dum.
I started listening to facebook live that popped up to distract myself.
My dog started attacking me, he wanted to go out.
I put a coat on, to satisfy the demands of my dog. I already had headphones on, so I searched for another video on facebook. Which was really good, because it was about something really interesting to me (coaching related). But one side of me was still drumming the beat of rejected, rejected.
…
At some point I started focusing on the now. I looked around at the houses in the distance, a bit of fog in the air, field covered with snow.
…
There was some beauty in it I haven’t noticed before.
Breath. I let it in and started walking back home.
…
Yesterday I felt totally on fire. So full of love, I was buzzing. On top of that I reconnected with somebody I deeply love and appreciate and it was such a healing and blissful event, through which I felt those last pieces of wall of ice around my heart, which was “protecting” me from rejection, melt away.
And so I realised. I am at that place now. Where my heart is open, so full of love, yet vulnerable.
And that quote I once randomly saw on TV as a kid, when I was flipping through the channels, came up again. It sounds like a cliché, but clichés are clichés, because they are true.
“It’s better to love and be disappointed than to never love at all.”
And so I started feeling grateful.
My heart is open. I feel love. I have beautiful peeps who love me and support me. There are people who need to hear what I have to say. I love and I am loved. There are people who need me to show up, with courage.
And I can turn this into my art, put it out through my writing and share it with people.
And I told that part of myself, that felt rejected, “Hey, I won’t reject you. I love you. Thank you for your loving, open heart. You are a blessing.”
Wisdom bomb: When you reject parts of you, that feel rejected, that’s double rejection.
And so what felt as rejection, turned into self-love and became inspiration for this post. I hope it’s also inspiring for you! Let me know.
Love you, guys!
Anita
With Love,
