A future me will be proud of me.
A future me will be grateful to me in this moment.
I woke up with pain in the neck.
I felt a bit sick.
Pain in the neck is still here. I feel a bit less sick as I am typing this.
I made myself a coffee. Turned on computer. Took my dog out to pee.
I meant to stretch my body. I did a bit. While watching livestream from Katrina Ruth, where she talked about not letting your bullshit and drama that is going on around you be bigger than your dreams. I heard her talk about this many times. But today it hit me straight to the heart.
After a livestream I went straight to my Patreon page, edit it a bit and hit publish.
Patreon is a page where all kinds of artists publish their work and people who value their art pay them per creation or monthly fee and this way both sides are happy. Artists get paid and supporters regularly enjoy the work of their favourite artists, because the artist can actually focus on their craft instead of doing the shit that pays the bills and kills their souls.
So, I hit publish.
Went with my dog to school. He loves it so much.
And now I am here, in my grandpa’s kitchen typing this. Grandma is in the hospital, for almost two weeks already. A woman that didn’t go to the doctor for more than 20 years. But now she’s there.
Today is her birthday.
And grandpa is home alone. Well not anymore, ’cause I am here. He has dementia and someone has to be with him most of the time or else he makes something stupid.
My mum is going crazy. Working everyday, going to grandma, then taking care of grandpa. Sometimes I come to grandpa in the morning. Sometimes my uncle or aunt. Often kind neighbors. My mum feels guilty because neighbors are helping. How could she ever pay this back, she asks, with exhausted martyr type voice.
(Grandpa is eating sliced apples now and throwing half of it on the floor for my dog. I guess my dog don’t crave apples at the moment. I asked him (grandpa, not dog) if apples are good. “Good,” he says.)
I was afraid before, that I’m not gonna be able to write this post. Pain in the back, feeling sick, feeling all this mix of emotions because of my family. Wondering if world really need another aspiring writer. And then I read Katrina’s post on not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, yet still pressing play. And I cried.
And I decided it’s enough. I’m not gonna die with my dreams buried inside of me.
I don’t want voices of my past or voices of others, or daily drama, or whatever be more important that voice of my soul.
And even if I am not confident enough,
even if the voices will still haunt me and tell me I am not good enough and that nobody cares about what I have to say,
that I am too young or that my experiences don’t matter,
I’m gonna show up for me and what I love doing the most.
Writing and talking about all of these things I find important at the moment.
So if you want to join me on that path, I welcome you to visit my Patreon page, subscribe and buy me time for writing for as little as $1/per month or more.
I know it’s gonna be worth it. And I’m gonna go to deeper psychological and philosophical topics there, most of it will available only for Patrons, because as you may noticed, with my writing, I give a lot of personal examples and therefore I don’t always feel comfortable sharing everything with public. Not because I would have something to hide (but I certainly feel this way at moments), but mostly to protect identity of other people.
Imagine that things that I will share for Patrons only will be like things I only share with my soul-mate friends.
Go to patreon.com/anitapuksic and become a patron.
And I’m going to cook something for my grandpa now (:
P.S.: If you wonder what is going to happen with 3 Ptice, my brand with ecofriendly accessories…I don’t know yet for sure. For now I’m gonna keep it, as one of the income streams, because I still enjoy it and I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet (after putting 5 years of energy in it, it would feel like leaving a relationship). I also really like to paint while listening to educational/business/coaching lessons and podcasts. And when people pay full price for products I am still able to sneak in some writing, so that can be a good support…
Thank you for reading!