Do you feel like a burden? (Stories we tell ourselves and how to change them)

Guys, this is a really personal post. I wrote it two months ago in my online journal (in which I do mindset work and self-coaching mostly and keep track of my progress). Today, when I opened the journal to do some journaling, around my perceptions around support and being supported (will write about this later, because it’s super important and valuable), this page popped up. And I started reading it and was like whoaah… I wrote this in the first half of January, but I felt like it’s even further away. My perception of myself changed so much already. And what I receive from “outside” world changed as well. It’s interesting, that when I was writing the post bellow, I meant to post it, but I didn’t have guts to do it. I wasn’t ready yet. But today, I have this feeling that I gotta share it with you.

I would especially like that you are aware of the questions I am asking myself. The story, I was telling myself it’s just a story, and if I keep repeating it, I’m gonna get more of the same. But by telling it, I honour it, because story wants to be heard, and then by utilizing the power of questions, I start writing a new story for myself. And now I live that new story. It’s such a difference, I cannot even tell! How much more alive and confident I am.

Warning: this post can be triggering if you are playing the story patterns alike this one in your mind -> and it can also be super powerful and healing if you let it.

So, let’s go to my story, my journal entry from two months ago:

***

 

Ever since I was child I felt like an outsider. Never really fitting in no matter how much I tried.

I always felt the best when hanging out 1:1 with people, but as soon as there was one person extra, I started to feel like I don’t fit in.

My happiest memories are the times when I felt like I belong to larger groups. But those were just the moments and sooner or later I would start to feel like an outsider again.

Even in the same evening.

I started to feel like people don’t really like and that perhaps they are talking shit about me behind their backs.

I would start to look for an escape. How can I run away as fast as possible. But it’s usually unpolite to just run away so I would stay there, quiet, waiting for shit to be over as soon as possible. It became easier through the times to say that I am going now, yet still feeling a bit of hope that they would say “Please, stay, we enjoy your company.” And at the same time hoping they won’t ask any questions, because I would feel like I could burst into tears.

If someone in the group would start to talk about somebody or if the group would have some joke that I weren’t aware of, I would feel like the joke was on me. Did I say anything wrong at some point and I don’t remember it? Did I break any rule of the group? Are they trying to get rid of me?

I would then always try to be the most perfect member of the group, listening to everybody, making sure that everyone was included, trying to please everybody. If I would lose myself in the conversation with somebody, then I would feel guilty about people I didn’t include and I would apologise to them. Which I think is normal, of course.

 

But this sense of responsibility would sooner or later become a burden. Instead of enjoying the experience I would feel all sorts of emotions. Anger at myself because I am thinking all the time about how I am perceived. Anger at people around me because they don’t notice that I am there and give me a voice. Anger at people for turning to me when they need something or when they need someone to listen to them. Sometimes I would go to the toilet and breathe or do some quick rounds of EFT to build strenght and go back to the group only to feel like a wallflower again.

When I would really want to say something, because I would know 100% that it’s valuable, because I am good at seeing solutions, I would cough first and feel intense feelings in my body. When I would start to speak and get the attention of the group, I would feel like I need to tell my thing really fast so that I wouldn’t bother people with too much details. And then I would look down, afraid of checking in with the group if anyone sees how brilliant is my idea. Perhaps already feeling silly for even exposing myself. If I would get a compliment from the group leader, I would feel a burst of pride in myself and the half of a second later already the shame for even feeling the pride and sense of fear that everyone can see what’s going on in me.

Sometimes when I drinked wine I really started talking and couldn’t stop and then the next day I would feel like the worst person on the planet for wanting people to listen to me.

 

Even when I am celebrating my birthday with my family, I always feel like an outsider at the table.

 

Usually, when I go outside I must be in a really good mood, because I don’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. So people often see me as a sunshine, but when I am alone I am often depressed and asking myself what is wrong with me.

 

Why am I talking about this?

Because a few hours ago a question popped into my mind. I am really into coaching and I want to be a coach (trying out every technique, getting into every program I can afford and reading every possible book on the subject + using coaching on myself all the time) and the questions are the holy grail of coaching, really.

 

And the question was: if I would believe that my circumstances are the match for beliefs I have about myself, what are those beliefs considering my circumstances?

 

And the first answer was:

I am a parasite.

 

Harsh. I know.

 

Then I would remember that more aproppriate term for this in the psychology would be a burden.

 

Interesting, I often drew a tarot card with burden in the past year.

 

Anyway. When I look back through my childhood it becomes obvious how I got this belief.

A few examples:

My brother being angry at me because I wanted to hang out with him and his friends.

My mum saying “Why did I have to marry this man?! My life became shit when I met this guy.” “Hm, mum, if you wouldn’t be with him there would be no me and my brother…”

My mum freaking out because of all the things she had to pay and feeling scared because she couldn’t pay bill for the food in my school (which made me feel super guilty, because I didn’t like 60% percent of the food there and was often throwing it away, fucking sandwiches most of the time).

My mother not letting me go to birthday parties of classmates, because then she would have to buy a gift and because she didn’t want me to be a burden for somebody else and because then I would have to invite those kids back and that would be an extra burden for her.

Both mother and father telling me “Look how hard I work for you and you are so ungrateful and you are saying such and such things to me.”

My brother always being mad at me because I was more successful one and didn’t have to work as hard as him or at least not such hard things.

 

You get the picture.

 

How this belief manifested in my life? Besides social anxiety that I already kinda mentioned above.

I have a lot of debt. Even when I got out of it I got back into it very fast. Which is strong burden on me. And I feel like a burden for all the people I owe money. And feeling like a burden to people who owe me money.

I feel responsible for all the troubles of my family. Not that I caused them, but I feel responsible to solve them. Which is also a burden on me.

I sometimes don’t feel worthy of pleasure. Which makes me feel like I am a burden in the bed and can’t relax or I feel resentful for not getting the attention I want and feel like my partner is the burden.

I constantly feel overwhelmed, no matter how much is on my plate.

Now that I am living kinda half at my boyfriend’s parents house and half at my mother’s house, I feel at his place like I shouldn’t be in a sight to much. And when I go make myself coffee or something I feel like I am taking too much. I am feeling like a burden on their household.

In my business, I have troubles of charging what my products are worth, because I feel like I am doing something bad to people with taking their money / I am afraid of collaborating with people, because I don’t want to be burden for them or I am afraid of putting too much weight on my shoulders and being overwhelmed for the same reason.

I don’t want to ask for help, because it would crash me down and I would feel humiliated.

 

So, what I can do about this?

Well, some self coaching of course!

 

What would I feel like if would’t have this thought that I am a burden?

I would feel relaxed in company of people.

I would share more about myself and my work with others.

I would feel more confident in my marketing activities.

I would have more fun.

I would offer my services more often.

I would feel like my work is meaningful for people.

 

How would I behave?

I would ask for what I want.

I would feel confident doing my things, without worry that I should go and do something for someone else.

I would just go for what I want.

 

What would my attitude be like?

I would be unapologetic.

I would feel like I deserve what I want.

I would tell people who try to bring me down to fuck off.

I would stop protecting myself from people and their criticism in advance.

I wouldn’t give a fuck about a lot of things.

I would be more honest.

 

(Here is when I get into new experience of self): Now that I don’t carry this burden of being a burden anymore, I feel free. I am able to breath. I feel less responsible for feelings of others. Ahahaha, omg, I see that others can simply ask if they want something from me and I don’t have to guess their wishes in advance. I feel free to do my thing. I feel so much more relaxed and in my body. I feel calm and satisfied with my day.

 

What’s the opposite of feeling like a burden?

I feel like a gift.

I know I am a gift for myself and for others.

I feel confident about myself.

I am gifted.

I enjoy my presence and others enjoy my presence as well.

I love being myself.

 

* * *

 

I hope this is useful for you guys! Let me know.

 

And if you are not on my e-mail list yet, make yourself a favour and get on it.

Hop on it —>>here<<— if you want to receive my updates in English.

Hop on it —>>here<<— if you want to receive my updates in Slovene.

 

Love,

Anita

Pain of rejection, ouch!

I sent out an e-mail to my e-mail list.

I thought it was pretty good. I provided value + felt proud of myself that I am stepping up in my coaching business and offering people an option to work with me. Which I was in total resistance around, even though I trust in my skills, because I was afraid of people rejecting me.

Half a day later I check my gmail and there was an un-subscribe. Somebody doesn’t like what I am saying.

Most of the people who run their business from an authentic place, will say to you that un-subscribes are good, because this means you are speaking your truth and those who don’t resonate with it, will fall away. And that you should take this as a compliment.

Which I did.

But then I opened that e-mail and when I saw who un-subscribed, ouch, it was like a knife to my heart.

A girl that I know in real life and admire her, because she is really special. She has that quality of inner beauty that shines out through her and gives her a special aura.

I felt hurt.

Thoughts started running through my head.

Did my e-mail suck? Do I suck? 

What does she think of me? Will she speak about me to her friends, how much my e-mails suck?

Ouch, ouch, ouch. 

I felt like crying.

My inner psychologist kicked in.

What this reminds you of? When was the first time you felt rejected? Childhood memories?

Do you really know why she un-subscribed?

“Of course not, there could be more reasons and I cannot really know the real one unless I ask her!!”

How will I behave when I meet her on the street?!

My inner motivator started asking me:

Will you let this stop you? Do not do this again! There are people who need your message, who need your services! Do not repeat that old mistake of yours again, when you are trying to prove your worth to people who don’t want you, focus on those who love you, focus on those that you are here to serve.

Dum dum dum.

I started listening to facebook live that popped up to distract myself.

My dog started attacking me, he wanted to go out.

I put a coat on, to satisfy the demands of my dog. I already had headphones on, so I searched for another video on facebook. Which was really good, because it was about something really interesting to me (coaching related). But one side of me was still drumming the beat of rejected, rejected.

At some point I started focusing on the now. I looked around at the houses in the distance, a bit of fog in the air, field covered with snow.

There was some beauty in it I haven’t noticed before.

Breath. I let it in and started walking back home.

Yesterday I felt totally on fire. So full of love, I was buzzing. On top of that I reconnected with somebody I deeply love and appreciate and it was such a healing and blissful event, through which I felt those last pieces of wall of ice around my heart, which was “protecting” me from rejection, melt away.

And so I realised. I am at that place now. Where my heart is open, so full of love, yet vulnerable.

And that quote I once randomly saw on TV as a kid, when I was flipping through the channels, came up again. It sounds like a cliché, but clichés are clichés, because they are true.

“It’s better to love and be disappointed than to never love at all.”

And so I started feeling grateful.

My heart is open. I feel love. I have beautiful peeps who love me and support me. There are people who need to hear what I have to say. I love and I am loved. There are people who need me to show up, with courage.

And I can turn this into my art, put it out through my writing and share it with people.

And I told that part of myself, that felt rejected, “Hey, I won’t reject you. I love you. Thank you for your loving, open heart. You are a blessing.”

Wisdom bomb: When you reject parts of you, that feel rejected, that’s double rejection. 

And so what felt as rejection, turned into self-love and became inspiration for this post. I hope it’s also inspiring for you! Let me know.

Love you, guys!

 

Anita

 

 

 

 

“Why are you singing all the time?”

My boyfriend: “Why are you singing all the time?” (Humming, actually).
Me: “Because I am happy.”
Him: “It’s the same when you are nervous.”
Me: “That’s because when I am nervous, I am calling my happy with this song and when I am happy I am confirming it.”

That humming has kinda the same melody and it’s not from an actual song. It comes out of me at different times. Sometimes it takes epic dimensions, when I am humming for more than an hour together and crying and releasing and calling back pieces of myself through different time-spaces.

It saved my life a few times.

What do you wish for the world? Give it to yourself.

What do you wish for the world? Give it to yourself.

I realised that sometimes I deprive myself of the things I want because there are others in the world who don’t have as much as I do. I deprive myself even of wanting something in the first place, because it makes me feel greedy. That’ why I wrote this blog post. For all of you who love this planet and wish everyone good but sometimes forget about yourself. This blog post is going to help you come in touch with what you want, how can you give it to yourself and acknowledge where are you already excelling. Which will make you feel good. And you feeling good is important, because this means there’s more people on this planet that feel good.

Let’s dive right in:

  1. Ask yourself what kind of world you want to live in.
  2. Change the word world for me, myself and I 😀 (ignore the link for now, there’s music)
  3. Ask yourself: How can I see this already? 

My example: I wish that world would be a peaceful place where we all honour each other and co-create beautiful things.

-> I wish that I would be in peace with all that I am and that all my roles would honour and respect each other and that all parts of me would create together beautiful things.

How can I see this already?

I can take a look at all of the things that I already created so far. I can look at this post right now and see that idea that I had in my mind went through my body, through my fingers and it’s now on the screen. (Man, I’m crying right now because this is so magical and beautiful. I know it’s such a normal everyday thing but now I can see it with more awareness). 

My example II:

I wish that people would feel safe in their bodies, safe in their homes, safe in their countries, safe on this planet.

-> I wish I would feel safe in my body, safe in my relationships with people, I wish I would feel like part of my country, I wish I would feel this planet is really my home.

How can I see this already?

I can see that my body is beautifully created and it does such a great work for me. I can feel love for my amazing body right now. I am grateful for my beautiful long legs that carry me around through the nature while my eyes are looking at trees and the beautiful plays of light and shadow. I can acknowledge that I am most of the time healthy. I can acknowledge that my body does such a great job of taking the best out of food I eat and let me let go of everything that doesn’t serve me.

I can see how many amazing friends I have. I am grateful that I can trust them. I am grateful for my man and how much he loves me.

I am spreading the good word about my divinely beautiful country called Slovenia. About her green rivers and mystical hills. And the delicious wine from those hills 😉

Every country I visited so far felt like the place I want to visit again, to take it in even better, to fall in love with it even more. So I am pretty good at feeling like the whole world is my home already.

***

Let me know in the comments (or hit the reply if you are receiving this via e-mail) what is your experience with this amazing exercise. If you are at the moment feeling overwhelmed with life, make sure that you sit down and actually write. It will help you, I promise.

 

Love,

Anita

 

A future me will be proud of me

A future me will be proud of me.

A future me will be grateful to me in this moment.

I woke up with pain in the neck.

I felt a bit sick.

Pain in the neck is still here. I feel a bit less sick as I am typing this.

I made myself a coffee. Turned on computer. Took my dog out to pee.

I meant to stretch my body. I did a bit. While watching livestream from Katrina Ruth, where she talked about not letting your bullshit and drama that is going on around you be bigger than your dreams. I heard her talk about this many times. But today it hit me straight to the heart.

After a livestream I went straight to my Patreon page, edit it a bit and hit publish.

Patreon is a page where all kinds of artists publish their work and people who value their art pay them per creation or monthly fee and this way both sides are happy. Artists get paid and supporters regularly enjoy the work of their favourite artists, because the artist can actually focus on their craft instead of doing the shit that pays the bills and kills their souls.

So, I hit publish.

Went with my dog to school. He loves it so much.

And now I am here, in my grandpa’s kitchen typing this. Grandma is in the hospital, for almost two weeks already. A woman that didn’t go to the doctor for more than 20 years. But now she’s there.

Today is her birthday.

And grandpa is home alone. Well not anymore, ’cause I am here. He has dementia and someone has to be with him most of the time or else he makes something stupid.

My mum is going crazy. Working everyday, going to grandma, then taking care of grandpa. Sometimes I come to grandpa in the morning. Sometimes my uncle or aunt. Often kind neighbors. My mum feels guilty because neighbors are helping. How could she ever pay this back, she asks, with exhausted martyr type voice.

(Grandpa is eating sliced apples now and throwing half of it on the floor for my dog. I guess my dog don’t crave apples at the moment. I asked him (grandpa, not dog) if apples are good. “Good,” he says.)

I was afraid before, that I’m not gonna be able to write this post. Pain in the back, feeling sick, feeling all this mix of emotions because of my family. Wondering if world really need another aspiring writer. And then I read Katrina’s post on not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, yet still pressing play. And I cried.

And I decided it’s enough. I’m not gonna die with my dreams buried inside of me.

I don’t want voices of my past or voices of others, or daily drama, or whatever be more important that voice of my soul.

And even if I am not confident enough,

even if the voices will still haunt me and tell me I am not good enough and that nobody cares about what I have to say,

that I am too young or that my experiences don’t matter,

I’m gonna show up for me and what I love doing the most.

Writing and talking about all of these things I find important at the moment.

So if you want to join me on that path, I welcome you to visit my Patreon page, subscribe and buy me time for writing for as little as $1/per month or more.

I know it’s gonna be worth it. And I’m gonna go to deeper psychological and philosophical topics there, most of it will available only for Patrons, because as you may noticed, with my writing, I give a lot of personal examples and therefore I don’t always feel comfortable sharing everything with public. Not because I would have something to hide (but I certainly feel this way at moments), but mostly to protect identity of other people.

Imagine that things that I will share for Patrons only will be like things I only share with my soul-mate friends.

Go to patreon.com/anitapuksic  and become a patron.

And I’m going to cook something for my grandpa now (:

P.S.: If you wonder what is going to happen with 3 Ptice, my brand with ecofriendly accessories…I don’t know yet for sure. For now I’m gonna keep it, as one of the income streams, because I still enjoy it and I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet (after putting 5 years of energy in it, it would feel like leaving a relationship). I also really like to paint while listening to educational/business/coaching lessons and podcasts. And when people pay full price for products I am still able to sneak in some writing, so that can be a good support…

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Anita

patreon.com/anitapuksic 

 

 

 

Scream

Yesterday I cried. Again.
The anger was bubbling up in me.
After a day well spent painting on the tote bags, where I found my inner peace again…
I started feeling like I still can’t.
Can’t just be me and show what’s inside of me and be loved.
And it feels stupid writing this again.
I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again.
Fighting with voices in my head, that say who cares what’s inside of you.
Get a real job. Act responsible. Grow up already. Who do you think you are, thinking that you could be a writer, thinking that you could be artist, philosopher, thinking that you could just be you and have a place in the world?

And it’s all I ever wanted. For all of us. For the whole world. I have this core belief, that if we could all just do what we love, that the world would work perfectly. Because we all have such diverse interests. It surprise me again and again in a positive way, that somebody likes things and want to do things and is interested in things that I don’t give a single fuck about. And I want them to do that thing! It’s one of my favourite things, when I see people light up when they talk about what they really want to do. I enjoy their joy like it’s mine, even if they talk about something that I don’t dream of doing.

And this now makes me feel alive. Putting those words on the screen. I like how that text editor font in wordpress reminds me of typewriter font.
I felt alive yesterday when I was painting with black ink whatever came out of me and even though I thought I’m gonna mess it all up, I saw the beauty in that mess once I put it on the canvas.
It was like another thing I just love. I have this special ability that people tell me things that they feel ashamed about, little secrets that they don’t tell nobody else. And I just love how I see beauty in their mess. How much peace I feel. How much love I feel for them. I feel like “Darling, don’t you see that you are too hard on yourself? This little mistake you made is nothing, it doesn’t make you any less beautiful, it doesn’t make you any less lovable, it doesn’t make you any less worthy of my friendship. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of the all of the love there is in the world.”
Sometimes I laugh at people telling me their problems. Like really laugh. From my heart and my belly. I see the stories they are telling me like I am watching a movie. And through that laugh I laugh at myself and my dramas just as much. And I see it all as beautiful at those moments.

Human life. Whole human beings.

With whole specter from depths of despair to to that enlightened state when you see everything as perfect and as love.

Ahhhh. I feel so good already.
But back to screaming and crying.

I would probably forgot about it, if it wouldn’t be for my boyfriend.

Who has a stable job now, a thing that everybody around him wanted for him… yet he was moody in the morning.
“Yes, I go to work, I bring the money, yet I hate it. Every morning.”

I see his soul screaming.

As I felt yesterday in the evening my soul screaming, my inner child raging from the inside, screaming at me to fucking let it out already!!!

Do what you want already!!

And even though I am kinda doing what I want, there’s that mind full of chatter, full of rules, full of voices of the people from my past and present, who taught me how I should live.

And I had this probably one hour long silent scream yesterday. With tears streaming down my face. I screamed and and I was tapping myself (EFT) and I cried.
It came to the point, when I wasn’t crying just for myself anymore… I was crying for everybody. For whole history of women. For all the children. For all the men. For the Mother Nature. I was crying for all of us wild beings, who were put into a fucking mold of religious rights and wrongs.

I was crying for all the victims of the Christian religion. I was crying for myself that I’ve been baptized in this shit without my permission.

I was crying for everybody who has been told that there is something wrong with them at their core and that they need to do something they don’t want to be saved.

Ahhhh.

Okay, that’s it for now. I will probably continue writing on this topic.
Now enjoy my hand painted tote bags. And send me a message, if you want one for yourself.

Love, Anita

1/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

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2/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

3/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

4/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

5/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

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Why I ended my 3 Ptice prebirthday -50% sale

I am writing this for you and I am writing this for me.

When I decided to make this prebirthday sale it felt totally like the right thing to do and it was the right thing to do and I took action fast.

Now I want to share with you my insights about myself I got during this and insights about society and the human race.

So, let’s go to the background. In the last year I isolated myself a lot from people. I said no to many things. I was alone a lot. I was asking myself who am I really and what do I want to do and how I want to do it. And of course I was observing myself and society and the world.

I didn’t watch a lot of movies or read many books because it was more interesting to watch what’s going on inside of me. It was like I am the main character in a movie and I was watching it and living it at the same time.

But more about next time, because it’s pretty wide topic and the things I saw in me are everything between heaven and hell and even beyond that.

What matters for this story I am telling right now is that I went to heaven. Not heaven like after death, but realising I can live heaven right here, right now if I put on the first place what really matters to me. Freedom, peace, art. And I did it. And so many things started to shift and my life started to be more and more amazing in every aspect.

And then… there’s always and then, eh? 😛 Then few things happened and I went back to the hell of my mind.

I will only expose one thing here, because it’s connected to the business and this 3 Ptice prebirthday sale.

My business started going really well, because I started putting myself out there more and started talking about things that matter to me and I was so happy with myself, because I knew I am on my way. Money was coming in regularly, I was in a zone of genius and I had the courage to speak about insights I got. The vibe I had was “life is a festival”. I was always at the right place at the right time doing the right thing. It was like the police could stop me and punish me, because I was feeling so good, so high, high on life.

And then that little thing happened. I was at friend’s apartment and I saw his painting and I was like “Wooow, can I put this on a tote bag?” And he was like “Of course.” And then he asked me how much I am going to sell it for. And I said that at least 20€. And the noise that came out of his nose was “Khm.”

Which I explained to myself as “You are greedy for wanting that much.” Probably because that friend told me before that he thinks my prices are too high. Which many people here in Slovenia think, I cannot tell you how many times I heard that before.

Of course my sales dropped then because I had this vibe of being a bad greedy person. And I started hiding. I was still showing up, but not like a bright star, but like an afraid little candle in the wind.

It’s funny to see this written and I am sure you are having lots of advice for me while reading this. Don’t worry, I know them all at the mental level.

But on the emotional level it’s another story. I want to be loved. I want people to think well of me. Especially I want my close friends and family to think well of me and love me.

And even though this friend was never in business himself and doesn’t know what it takes I took his “khm” to my heart.

And to my mind. And I did this prebirthday sale as an experiment. I knew that giving 50% off is a total no brainer and that people are going to buy.

I am also excited when avocados or bananas are 50% percent off.

But let’s go now to self worth. You can read everywhere that prices you put on your products and services are the reflection of your self-worth.

So, orders started coming in there was a lot of work. I had lots of things in stock already, I was sewing a lot and put everything in my amazing ecofriendly packages, I was constantly on the phone replying to people or meeting with them and giving them products. Mind you, I have the most amazing customers, so there was lots of love in there.

And it felt good to have all these orders coming in and it felt good to work hard.

But after a week or two of this sale I realised that even though I made lots of sales, there was no profit. I bought some food, put some gas in my car, bought necessary materials, paid some things and that was it.

Of course on the outside it seems to people like whoa, you are doing so good, I see how much sales are you making.

And of course it felt super good to me when I saw how happy all my customers were.

But back to self-worth. Few weeks ago I started asking myself, how the fuck self-worth feels like. And I had no feeling around this. On a mental level, I know that what I do is good and what I am is like next level amazing. But I had no feeling around it.

In my childhood, I was rewarded when I was working really hard. My mum was proud of me when I cleaned the whole house so that when she stepped in was like whoah, everything shining. And then she was happy and I got a chocolate. I always had the best grades in school, because I love knowledge. I didn’t put in much work in learning (I usually pretended that I am learning or doing homework, so that I didn’t have to do work around the house and I was reading novels). And it was normal at home that I have the best grades. So it was really hard for me when my friend told me they are celebrating with going out for pizza when she gets the best grades. Or when at the end of the school year some kids got cool gifts. And I got chocolate.

This is not now blaming my parents, because the financial situation was the way it was.  But what I learned through this was that when I work really hard and do everything possible, I get a little reward and some love. And when I don’t have to try hard, and therefore I use this time for something I love to do, but of course hiding while doing it, I get a little reward.

So, no matter what I do my pattern around self-worth is, that I get to receive something little. It’s funny that I didn’t feel comfortable selling my products for original prices and promoting them, but when I had -50%, I felt comfortable promoting. Because this way no one could say it’s too much and that I am not working hard enough.

Now let’s go to the financial situation in Slovenia. When most people earn around 600 or 700€ neto and most of it goes for living expenses, it’s kinda logical that my prices are too high for them. Even though my products last for years and years.

It’s this collective cloud of struggle and working hard. Slovenian folks are going to work in northern countries if they want to earn a little bit more and folks from the south are coming to Slovenia if they want to earn an extra euro. And we are all getting less than we are worth.

Now I would like to go to the global situation. I did tons of mindset work in the past year and what I repeatedly hear from all those mindset teachers is that you get paid to the proportion of value you provide for the world and the impact you have.

But I cannot agree with this. Because I see so many people doing things that are of value for the whole world yet they don’t get paid for it. I cannot see how somebody who builds our roads, gets paid a minimum barely enough to survive, yet his work is of value for all of us and has an impact on all of us. I do get it when thought leaders are paid a lot for the value they provide for their followers through their words and impact those words have and how that change people’s lives. I think their work is worth the money and I am happy to pay them so that they can expand my mind.

Yet still, I think we have a problem as a society that we measure the value of human life in money and impact.

Aren’t we all humans and we all deserve to live well? No matter if we build roads, make art, write poetry, raise kids, provide food, clean houses, or speak to millions? Or if we are old, sipping wine and watching memories of our lives in our mind’s eye.

That’s why I am huge advocate for universal basic income. If we have money, which is amazing invention of the human mind, and we need it if we want to live in civilization, it’s only fair in my opinion that everybody gets a sum of money that covers his living expenses. Imagine how much less fear and heavy energy would be in the air if people wouldn’t have to worry whether they can buy food or not, pay bills or not.

What comes up when I talk with people about this, “What about those who would take advantage of this and do nothing?”

And my thoughts are, that those who take advantage over others are already doing it and we shouldn’t deprive everybody because of this.

Yes, I believe in “Don’t give man a fish, teach him how to catch a fish.” But how will you teach somebody who is starving how to fish, when his mind-body is in fight or flight or frozen mode? We all know we learn better when we are relaxed.

Lots of studies were already done on the subject of universal basic income and I encourage you to read them. It is kinda socialistic idea. But it doesn’t demand that we are all the same. Because humans are not all the same. But we are all valuable. And if somebody wants to earn millions or billions they still can. In fact, if their service is really valuable, they gonna earn them even easier, because even more people will be able to give them money. But as free folks, not as modern day slaves.

If we come back to the sale I ended before the date and my self-worth.

I am recognizing that I am worthy of getting paid well for what I do, either with painting on the tote bags, recycling old clothes and scraps in beautiful pouches, diving into my own subconscious and collective mind, thinking deep thoughts and writing them. It’s only logical, that if I am in business, I must have a profit if I want to grow it. I am worthy of spending quality time with friends. I am worthy eating healthy food. I am worthy of enjoying the nature and meditating on the sofa with my dog by my side.

I am worthy of living a quality life and so is everybody else on this planet.

It’s not rich against poor. Left against right. It’s about recognizing that we are all in this together.

 

Love and compassion,

Anita,

3 Ptice

quote tote bag

Embrace the madness

Multitasking.

Making sense out of things. Going beyond need for sense.

Coming back. Making up a story. Letting go of the story.

Making a plan. Going all in. Letting go of the need for it to come true.

Going all in anyway.

Making it too important again. Having a mental breakdown.

Putting yourself back together, like it’s nothing.

Going all in again.

Enjoying it, give me more. More, more, more!

 

Wearing: Secondhand tights & top; Amisu cardigan (gift); vintage floral shorts; 3 Ptice tote bag painted by Sabina Jin Jang Art (sooner or later you will be able to buy it too. Be patient); random fake all stars.

Big sale of 3 Ptice ecofriendly accessories is going on right now and you are missing out. Let’s do something about it, okay? Go to 3 Ptice Etsy store and get that tote you’ve been watching for some time now for 50 freaking % off. Only till 24th of October, when 3 Ptice are celebrating 5th Birthday. It sounds like a lot of time till 24th of October? Guess what, if you don’t act now, you might never will.

FOR THE LITTLE BITS OF LOVE

For the little bits of love you’ve sold your soul.

For the little bits of love you forgot who you are.

For the little bits of love you did everything.

For the little bits of love you’ve danced.

For the little bits of love you carried their shit.

For the little bits of love you swallowed your pride.

For the little bits of love…

.

Delete love. Insert power. Peace. Freedom. Fun. Joy.

Remember that YOU are this power. Love, peace, freedom, fun, joy, one in one…

You don’t need to do anything to become what you already are.

*

P.S.: I am running a big sale in my Etsy shop. It’s gonna be 5 years since I started 3 Ptice soon and I think we all need to celebrate. Go get as much tote bags as you want right now! BTW: The price is going to shock you in a good sexy way.

And don’t forget to follow me on instagram @anitapuksic and @3ptice, because I post new things there first.

I am sitting here

Typing these words to get some clarity.

To decide, whether is the best thing to do now to clean my studio (it needs some fresh space, so I can breathe and create) or go to town for a coffee and to buy some bread and humus or maybe meditate or just go back to bed, because I have a sore throat.

Overwhelmed by choices, that all seem such a right thing to do.

But for now, I’m just gonna sit here and type these words, with my dog in my lap (he’s chewing my sweater).

Yesterday I felt this pain in my kidneys, that’s with me for months now, most of the time. Even when feeling super good. It represents fear, traditional chinese medicine says so.

My fear of the future. The fear of feeling good, because so often in my life, when things went really well for me, something bad happened. And I know on the mental level, that those things weren’t connected to me, but on emotional level, on subconscious level, I am still that kid, that could dream, but couldn’t really get those things, because those big people around had their own dramas going on all the time and who cares what kid wants and needs, if she has a roof over head and something to eat, what else does she wants, she should be grateful, some kids don’t have that.

And so I learned, to be quiet, to make others happy, to be strong for my mum, to not have my own needs. And I learned, that if I ask for what I want, I’m gonna upset people.

And it’s funny, when I know so much, and I can shift perspective in a second and look at the same event from other points of view, and go in one day through whole spectrum human emotions and then feeling amazed about how rich and full experience it is to be in this shape, to be a part of nature in this amazing form, that allows you so much possibilities of expressing yourself…

Yet it comes always back down to this void of not feeling loved, accepted and wanted as a child.

And so yesterday, I came back from a walk, where I admitted to myself, that this is what I want.

That when I cry, I want somebody to hold me until I cry it all out. I don’t want to be told that I should be strong, I don’t want to be told that I should be grateful, I don’t want to be judged. I want to be held and loved and accepted.

And so I meant to go to the kitchen, trying to not show my face to my boyfriend, because I didn’t want to upset him with being emotional again, yet at the same time I just wanted to be held and loved.

And he asked “How are you?”

And I asked, “Can you hug me?” And we sat down and he hugged me and I was crying like a rain, feeling his love and presence made me cry even more… and I was so happy in the moment that I cried even more. And I noticed that my boyfriend is getting a bit bored, but in that moment, Piki, my dog, who was watching what is going on here, jumped on the couch and squezzed himself against me, with the most compassionate look in his eyes and love just radiating from him.

And so I was crying and laughing at the same time, feeling loved, feeling safe to show what I feel.

And I don’t feel pain in my kidneys anymore. Maybe because it moved to my throat, haha.

 

I think I am going to town now, or make myself potato soup.

 

Love, Anita

 

Btw: I moved my international shop from Etsy to Tictail, so this is the link you can click on now, if you want to buy my tote bags (: