I am also very woo-woo.
I am very spiritual, love n light.
I am also very dark.
I am very human. Sweat, blood, shit. Also dreams, hopes, aspirations.
I am very open and loving. Also love being alone and ignoring everything.
I am a people pleaser and I also don’t give a fuck.
I know it all and also want to learn and experience so much more.
I am an open book, yet still a mystery.
I share it all, yet I am super private.
I am left and right, up and down, all in one.
What about you?
For anyone who is trying to manifest a partner (or improve the relationship with a partner), maybe my story will inspire you.
I had some painful experiences around love as a teenager. Part of me is like, lol, you were just a teenager, of course you did have bad experiences. But another part of me knows better. When something hurts, it hurts no matter the age. Being betrayed hurts when you are kid, hurts when you are in your teens, hurts when you are an adult.
I already started reading woo woo (isn’t it cute, woo woo? I am quite woo woo, you know) books years prior that, but around 15, 16 I did it almost full time. At 17 or 18 when math teacher asked us what we are reading, I said a bit snobbishly that I’m starting reading novels again, because I got fed up a bit with pop-psychology. 😀
Anyway.
Somehow I learned somewhere about ascended masters and “I am” and violet flame. It seemed a bit out of the space, but it cannot hurt to try it, I thought.
Also, I read somewhere that you have to first love yourself. That chasing energy, “somebody love me please”, not good.
Okay. So I’m gonna learn to love myself and enjoy myself, if I have a guy or not. I played with that energy of violet flame I read about on the morning bus to school. Sometimes I would even see some faces in my minds eye, that seemed like they belonged to the past.
I was filling myself up with love.
I did this for I don’t know how many months. Somewhere between 3 or 6 or 9.
Then I started thinking that maybe I don’t even need a guy. Maybe I don’t even want a guy. I am having a time of my life. Girlfriends, fun, night life, some flirting here and there…
An ex wrote to me on Valentine’s day how am I. I am great, I said, I have an amazing day!
Yeah right, he said.
But it was true. I had an amazing day. Don’t remember what was going on, but I can still see bright light when I think of that day.
Two days later, I went out with girls. Didn’t feel like sneaking to the most popular club in town, underage and all, I went with one of my girls for a drink.
And there he was, that guy I never saw before in our little town. So cute. With big lips like boys from rap videos that I adored. And baggy jeans and sneakers. I felt warmth through my body. Through the whole torso, not just in my lady parts. It seemed like he is also looking at me.
He went outside and everything in me was saying “Go out, go out, go ask him something! He probably likes you too.” But what should I say to him?
I went out. He was leaning on the small wall, looking like he isn’t really there. I said “Do you feel sick?”
You know, teenagers and alcohol.
We started talking. He told me he was waiting for a girl he liked. He didn’t even see me before, because he was thinking about her. She said she’s gonna come and that they will meet, but then she canceled.
Oh, I said and then told him how is he perhaps feeling right now.
And then he looked at me and his eyes were shining. I still remember that shine in his eyes. It was like somebody finally understood him and at the same time like he is falling in love with me.
“That was easy” I thought. He really fell for me fast.
I thought we are going to kiss a bit that night and that’s gonna be it. But he was shy. We were sitting together on the bench and talking until his parents came to pick him up.
Two weeks later we were officially a couple.
11+ years later I love him more than ever. And he seems more beautiful to me than ever before.
During these years I had many doubts about him. All my childhood traumas came out. I copied my parents relationship subconsciously, even though I promised to myself that I am not gonna ever be as foolish as my parents, who hurt each other when they both wanted to be loved. But I was. I meant to leave him many times. I blamed him for not moving forward in my life. I felt we are too different to be together.
But there it was, that silver lining underneath it all that felt like pure pure love. And was that one good reason to stay, as Gaga would say.
And you know, it wasn’t him, who was preventing me from moving forward in life. It wasn’t that we are too different. It wasn’t him not being interested in tantra and spirituality and philosophy that made our relationship hard at times.
It was me not letting myself just be all that I am.
And when I let myself be me, he catches up super fast. And then I don’t know, was I always with such a master and I didn’t see it or he just receives information through my light. Or perhaps both.
<3
Also, I was working a lot on how I perceive male human beings this year. Got really honest with myself and took responsibility for my part. Let myself be coached around this.
And started realising that men are really awesome and sensitive and beautiful and spiritual, give fucking awesome advice and care deeply about us. And that perhaps tantra is natural for them, it’s us, women who are wanting it and at the same time blocking it, when we are trying to be something we are not.
My man looking at me: You are kinda intense for quite some time now.
Me looking away from a computer for a second: I am answering questions about entrepreneurship. I am passionate about this.
Enjoy the interview.
What are the main reasons that encouraged you to take the plunge on the entrepreneurial adventure?
I left the university, because it seemed like the waste of time. I was always the best student in the class, yet always feeling like I don’t fit into the system. It seemed pointless to strive for grades when I could actually learn and live at the same time in the school of life.
My family didn’t get it and so I wanted to start something that would make them see that I am not just wasting my time, but that I am actually doing something. And I also wanted to do something that has a positive effect on the planet, connects people, is creative and fun plus makes money.
Aaah, and there was a beautiful woman in my life who believed in me, we started doing things together, it was super fun and creative, work, connection, good cause, money, I felt so alive! And then I started a company. Without her in my life I perhaps wouldn’t start this journey so young. Unfortunately she had health problems that were getting worse and worse…
You started your business very young. What did your youth (your student life) bring you to launch your project?
Idealism. Belief that I can participate in creating a better world for everybody if I do what I love.
In particular, what specific skills relative to youth gave you an advantage in setting up your enterprise?
Stubbornness, this sense of I am going to do it my way.
Around you (friends, family, teachers, peers, guidance counsellors, …) what have been the most valuable, most memorable, most useful help you have received? Small and big, those that helped to advance your project.
Interesting enough, I got the most help and support from people I didn’t know in real life until that point (I still haven’t met some, but we are still connected).
I had a blog for years, where I was very honest about what’s going on in my head, what’s going on in my life, how I see things. People who were reading my blog knew more about me than my family. And those were the people who first started buying my things, who shared my work, who shared my blog posts that then reached more people who felt my message and therefore bought my products or invited me to the events etc.
Also, some of my friends were the best at promoting my work. Forever grateful for having them in my life. When others, even if they were amazing friends in other aspects, they just didn’t get what it takes. They never have been entrepreneurs and they wanted to give me advice on how I should run things which got me in paralysing self-doubt at times. Some of them tried with entrepreneurship later and quit very fast, went back to regular jobs.
Most useful help you can give to young entrepreneur is buy from them and/or share their work. That’s what will encourage them to keep going. That’s how you show you believe in them. That’s how they can pay their bills and invest back in business. That’s how they’ll grow and become better and better. Advice is cheap. Everybody loves to give it all the time.
Could you tell us a little bit more about the role that your teachers and fellow students played in your entrepreneurial adventure?
A few teachers showed up during my entrepreneurial journey and the best ones were those who saw what I am good at and pointed this back to me and told others about it. This gave me so much fuel!
During your school / university career have you been sensitized / trained to entrepreneurship?
Nope. Just some ultra boring lessons of economy in high school with slides on projector, memory of this still makes me wanna send a bullet in my head.
In your personal and professional environment (friends, family, school, incubator,…) what were the reactions to the announcement of your project?
In my personal environment there was no emotional support. Later I realised that those people actually loved me. They had a picture in their head how I should live and for me their picture seemed like a death sentence. For them my picture that fired me up so much I sometimes couldn’t sleep because of inspiration and energy, seemed like an illusion. I loved them, they loved me, but it looked like there’s no love at all. It was a heavy emotional burden, feeling unsupported and like I cannot talk with anybody about what’s going on in my life, in my biz, without them telling me to get a job.
Was your youth seen as a barrier or an opportunity?
I don’t know what others thought of it, I can tell from my experience. Sometimes people looked down on me because of my youth, but there were also people who found it inspiring (even said they hope their kids will turn out like me).
Looking back I also see that some saw my youth as an opportunity for them.
The best shift for me was when I read an article about why is the best to start a company in your 20’s. You don’t have kids and if you screw up, nobody’s going to starve because of you.
How do you apprehend (interpret/understand/notice) the moments of failure and success?
Failure is always something you can use for success. If you don’t take it personally like you are a failure because of a shitty day or a month in arena, you can always turn it into something good and inspiring.
Success (for me) is that you do what you love and believe in. That you have people that get you and support you. That you love your life.
Failure is a temporary illusion, success is a state that you can always tune in. People can see you as successful by their ideas of success, but you suffer in silence. People can see you as a failure by their ideas of success, yet you are living your best life.
What were the moments of your life that you experienced as failures? what with hindsight have moved you onwards, beyond those points?
Hmm, closing my company with a lot of debt. Onwards: Realising that debt doesn’t make me a loser. I felt so stupid and like I am not capable, because of debt. Until I realised that most of people I knew had it, and that I don’t see them as not capable losers, why would I then look at myself this way? Also, I love the American way of thinking about entrepreneurship, where they congratulate each other for failed business, because each one brings you closer to successful one because you learn so much.
At the start of your project, who were your model entrepreneurs? who inspired you?
I like Richard Branson because of diversity of the projects. Otherwise, I had the best ideas in my mind, those were my biggest inspiration (and I am finally meeting people who get those ideas and are a living proof of those ideas working).
What do you think are the clichés that can hinder young people from getting into entrepreneurship? More personally, did you have preconceived ideas about entrepreneurship that were swept away once your project started?
That they don’t know, because they are too young and they don’t have the experience. They do fucking know. You are fucking inspired to start this journey, because you have something fresh to bring into this world. You know. People around you perhaps don’t. That’s why if you listen to them, you will stay mediocre and in a few years watch somebody making millions with the same ideas you had that you didn’t put into practice because of listening to people who convinced you that they know better than you.
The ideas that were swept away: that because you have something amazing to offer or because you have a solution to the problem that people will buy right away. I still remember we were laughing in early 90’s at people with mobile phones…
Entrepreneurship is still relatively untouched by women (only 30% of newly created companies in Europe). What goaded you to try the adventure and become part of its 30% lucky ones? What are the barriers that women face and how can you defeat them?
Not seeing being a women as a disadvantage. Not even thinking about it. It didn’t even cross my mind. Until everyone at home expected me to do everything at home, because I am at home and I “don’t do anything” and I “have time”. It was a gamechanger for me when I got studio to work outside my home. That’s one way, get a place where you can work without other people putting their stuff on you. But the best way is to set some boundaries in place and if people don’t respect them, ask yourself what are you even doing with these people. They don’t respect you and your art. Even more important. Start respecting yourself and your art and you will put those boundaries in place with ease.
What would you recommend to a young person who wants to take the plunge on an entrepreneurial project?
Look at previous two answers + focus on people who get it and who get you more than on critics (while you are trying to satisfy the critics you are losing yourself, your people and money). Focus on people you are meant to serve. This is super important, so much I am taking advice from myself right now. It’s something I realise again and again. Maybe I should put a tattoo with it on my index finger?
Spend time in nature. Take time off. White space matters. Eat healthy food that tastes good. Do things just for your own joy and pleasure – this is where you get the best ideas and energy.
Create now, perfect later.
Since the creation of your company, with hindsight was there a trigger that had a booster effect for the development of your business? (meeting someone particular, an event, etc.)
I once met a woman who listened to my story and told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I had the best month in business after that. It was so easy and so much fun. I was being myself.
Questions by Andrej Korpar for EMC – Entrepreneurship Movement Club
There is a theme, that is going on for me this year.
I usually have more themes going on, meaning the things I study through observing in myself and in the world. And not only study, but also work on. Like a scientist, just that my lab is my mind-body and Life.
And one of the themes this year is my relationship with masculine and feminine energy. It actually started last year already.
This is something I haven’t shared publicly before. Just with few people that are very close to me, because it’s kinda crazy 😀
Last year I was once chilling outside the house, meditating in a chair, soaking in the kind afternoon sun, when I got the feeling that something bigger than just me is going on. It was this feeling of expansion, something shifting, feeling me with joy and excitement. You know, this feeling that life is about to change in a good way?
I looked up into the sky and there was a cloud that looked like a falus and there was a circle that reminded me of yoni. Those two clouds started going together. And they came together. Sex in the sky. The clouds then formed to what reminded me of female body, pelvis to breasts area. And in the middle of it there was a moon.
At that point, my body was already buzzing with excitement. What’s going on here? It felt super good. It felt like realms are changing. It felt like I stepped into another dimension. Like the ground beneath me has changed. New Earth I heard in my mind. I am walking on a new Earth.
I went into the house to check out my tarot cards and the first card I saw was this one.
Patience. So something has begun and now it’s time for patience? Wait and see. See this crazy synchronicity? Falus, yoni, female body, moon and this card with a pregnant woman and moon cycle above her?
Words started coming out of me and I started writing them down.
I had to run to the toilet. My body was ready to release something, haha, and make space for new.
This is what I wrote:
Svet je svet. (The world is divine)
Sveti sveto v sveti svet. (Shine divine to the divine world)
Sveti svet že sveti sveto v tebe. (Divine world already shines divine to you)
Heaven is a place on earth.
Every place.
Every cell.
I am beginning to see, not anymore begging to see.
I am beginning to live, here in heaven.
There were even more crazy synchronicities going on that day (and more mysterious things shown to me in the following months), connected with this one, but let me continue with I want to share.
There’s a reason I didn’t share this before publicly.
I didn’t feel safe. It seems kinda crazy all together. What if I am crazy? What if people will think I am crazy? What if I am just making things up in my mind?
Hmmm, which is kinda what we all do. Even scientists. They come up with a theory, with which they are trying to explain the world, and then they look for a proof. And usually the one who is searching finds what they are searching. And then they build even more theories on the top of that one, trying to solve missing pieces. Until someone shows up who dares to question and suddenly the whole theory collapses, because it was the wrong premise from the beginning.
Or not. But it happens.
That’s also why people believe in conspiracy theories. Who is searching for proof will find it.
And as I believe in magic, I get signs when I look up in the sky.
We are all (okay, perhaps not all of us) trying to come up with a model of a world, as close to Reality as possible. And even I am not a fan of humility, oh do I accept it here. I give myself permission to change my mind. And I know, that there’s so much that I don’t know. And all the models of the world the others created and I studied so far or the once I created in my mind, well they can only go so far… but what is beyond all those models, what is beyond the symbols, what is beyond? Or maybe the question isn’t what is beyond, but what is here? Who is here? Who is the observer of the thinker? And who is the observer of the observer? It all comes down to nothing. No-thing.
Maybe John Snow actually knows something. I mean nothing. What?!
Okay, that’s the way my mind goes. In a lot of different directions when I try to tell something. Back to the red line.
After that “prophecy in the sky”, I started hearing a lot about divine feminine and divine masculine. Which translated to more earthly tones could simply be healthy feminine and healthy masculine. You know, as Nature intended it to be.
So, at the beginning of this year, as I was observing my personal herstory and my experiences at the time, I realised I have work to do around how I perceive men.
With me trying to express myself and claim my righteous place in the world (meaning just allowing myself to speak and create what I want in my life, living my life as I please, say yes to things I want and go for them, say no to things I don’t want – living my life like it’s mine to live, to put it simple).
There were quite some instances in my life when male human beings have said to me, what I can and what I can’t or what type of person I am. Of course, there were also women in that role.
But focus on men.
I realised through self observation that maybe there were men in my life who at some point kinda dictated me who I am and what I can(‘t) do, but when I repeat all these stuff constantly to myself, it’s me who is doing it to me. I am the oppressor, oppressing myself.
It was super interesting, that shortly after that I came in touch with a coach Linda Kaun, who was all about working with feminine energy, but then realised, that what us women need, is to do some work on our inner masculine as well.
I found her guide on this topic extremely helpful.
So I started working on my inner representation of masculine energy and the effects in my outer world were amazing. I still have work on this to do, as it came clear to me in the last month, so maybe it’s time that I read the guide again.
I had the experience in the previous month in which I felt betrayed by two men in my life that are close to me. Instead of accepting the role of a victim, I decided to accept the full responsibility for what is showing up in my life.
As I decided that, the anger that I felt in my body started turning into power. I switch literally in few minutes from feeling pissed off to calm and happy me. I went to bed in peace. And had a dialogue with my inner masculine. I decided to feel supported by the masculine energy.
The situation that pissed me off and seemed like a loss for me at first, changed during the night and I got support from an important man in my life the next day. Everything worked out in my favour.
Why I woke up today at 5 am feeling totally inspired by 6 am to write about this? I had dreams about two men in my life that kinda changed the direction of my life for me in a way that feels to me like I am not allowed to be who I really am. Like I have to hide who I really am.
I dug a lot into this program that I need to hide. That is not safe to be who I am. That I better hide my gifts. And the magic of who I really am.
I realised, that those fears are perhaps not coming from this life, because I didn’t really have any life threatening experiences, yet something in my body felt like I need to hide, because if I show myself, if I speak my truth publicly, I can die. Of horrible death.
This is not just mine. This is collective. The fear of public speaking is the top fear. Even more popular than fear of death. Even though in Western world we intellectually know nothing bad can happen to us if we go on stage or if put ourselves on camera, or if we share at the family meeting what we do, our bodies can be freaking scared.
We wanna run and hide.
So, if we go back in time, we know many of our ancestors died of terrible deaths. Those fears are burned in our cells. You know, witch hunting etc.
But what I realised in the last few weeks is, that perhaps it’s time that I look at the other side of this equation as well.
Many of our ancestors were also bad guys. Or at least they did bad things, if I make a distinction between the being and their actions.
Maybe we aren’t just the granddaughters of the witches they weren’t able to burn. Perhaps we are also the granddaughters of inquisitors.
The human history is full of blood, full of killing each other. Sadly, we still spend shit tons of money for “defending” and killing each other instead for creating with each other. And we (our ancestors) were for sure on both sides of the history. Or all three sides. Victims, heroes and oppressors.
And maybe it’s time to forgive the crimes that were done to us to be forgiven for the crimes we have done.
Inside ourselves, inside our relationships with the opposite and the same sex, in our families, in our human family.
And give peace a chance.
Oh, patience!
Hello, my loves!
A fresh blog post after a long long time.
I’m having again this feeling, when I don’t know if the post will have any sense at the end, if there’s gonna be any value for you in it, if it’s gonna be worth your time… but I’m going to trust that since I feel the urge to write that this is now the most perfect thing for me to do, no matter the outcomes on my or on your side.
So, moving forward in trust. As I type and as an ongoing theme in my life. It’s probably a theme in your life as well. Trust.
Once I was pitching my business idea to a person, that could help me move it forward. As I explained to him some details, he asked why I would think it would work. “Trust,” I said. He said it isn’t enough. That it’s too soft. You cannot explain it to investors.
At the time I felt that maybe he was right… yet on the other hand, I wouldn’t even trust business people who don’t get that the trust is the most important ingredient of the business. Yes, we are working with humans and they can disappoint you. I trusted before and I’ve been disappointed. Even worse, people trusted me and I’ve disappointed them.
But you cannot move forward if you don’t trust. Trust that the next opportunity is right for you, if you feel it in your guts. Trust yourself that what you feel is real. Trust that you can decide what is right for you. Trust that if it turns out it wasn’t right, that you can make the best out of circumstances and move forward.
I used to sell 3 Ptice ecofriendly accessories on art markets, on streets. People sometimes made custom orders and paid upfront. There, on the street. Without any guarantee, that they would receive the product from me. And they saw me for the first time in their life. That was trust.
Interesting. Mmm, I wrote something delicious in my journal a few weeks ago… It’s connected with trust.
“I wish that all that happened to you
wouldn’t box you in a belief
that this is just the way the life is,
but instead I wish it encourages you,
to ask how it can be different,
how it can get better.”
So, this is my message for today. Tomorrow I will tell you in which areas of my life I am currently asking these questions and what were the results of asking them before.
Much love,
Anita
They didn’t want to talk with each other sometimes, so I went from one to another and told what the other one say and ask if it’s true.
And I would repeat it countless times to figure out what is the truth.
At times I would conclude that they are both idiots, haha, overcomplicating things, when actually what we all wanted was to be loved and do things together.
At times I felt like a victim because of these circumstances in my life and I am not denying they affected me and shaped me as a person.
But today I feel grateful for this. Because when I see two opposing sides fighting each other I can see both through the eyes of love and worthy of my love, even when I don’t agree with them (not that I am perfect, but every time I practice I get better at it).
She is a (anti)personal brand. When she dies, she won’t be able to enjoy her legacy that’s why she does not care much about it now. She wants a life well lived. Maybe this could be a legacy? Well, fuck it, she is sick of listening about personal branding, niching, legacy, authority, so she will stop thinking about these things.
Otherwise she is holding the space for the planet of peace and freedom. And humans beings being human beings to human beings.
Her career started when she was born. She didn’t cry a lot because she was mostly observing this strange world she was put in. She is still super good at observing. But she cries way more.
After studying fashion design she got sick of fashion, mindless consumerism and new riches (and wannabes) buying status symbols to show off. She got even more sick of fast fashion and its effect on the world. Disgusting. She still buys two pairs of cheap shoes per year. Not hippie enough to walk barefoot all the time. Otherwise she wears secondhand and vintage clothes.
She gave up her philosophy studies, left the university and disappointed her mother all in the attempt to study life directly through living it. If she would continue her studies, she would be the top student in the class, as always. She went to spiritual university instead where she learned about microcosmos and macrocosmos and often fell asleep during the meditation.
Fashion called her back. She started a brand of eco-friendly accessories called 3 Ptice in 2012 with zero support from family. Okay, she got roof over the head, but no emotional support. In fact, everybody was saying to her that she won’t make it with this and expected from her to always be available for their requests, because she is working from home, after all.
Well sooner or later she started sending her accessories from little village in little Slovenia all over the world. Thanks to all the amazing customers who enjoy quality, uniqueness and don’t just chase status symbols.
After countless failures she started actually living from her little business, paid most of her debts, had a lot of fun, spent lots of time on the road and hell lot of a time behind the sewing machine listening to countless hours of TED talks, lectures on psychology, human mind, philosophy, business, mindset, spirituality etc.
Oh, she also moved her studio to Fürstova Hiša, a place in the nearest tiny town called Ptuj, where she enjoyed the company of other starving artists trying to serve the citizens who come to exhibitions mostly to dress up a bit and drink free wine (she likes free wine too).
She was organising markets with handmade and secondhand goods there.
She was occasionally taking on other jobs like selling books and working in production. She really enjoyed quitting both of those. However, bosses still wanted her back because she is a really good worker until she starts to feel that she is losing her life and mind capacity for mediocrity.
Oh, she also enjoyed working for Art Stays Festival of Contemporary Art where she did all kinds of stuff and had lots of fun. She kinda likes art that she doesn’t get.
Year 2016. Everything went well, she finally moved away from her mama, meant to hire an assistant to focus more of her time on writing (oh, she started her blogging career in 2007 pretending she is Carrie from Sex and The City).
And then she burned out.
She couldn’t work anymore. Well, she could if she could but couldn’t get herself to it. She was sleeping for 13 hours and staring to the ceiling.
She hated herself for being such a lazy bitch. She lived in guilt, shame and hiding.
When she wasn’t sleeping or forcing herself to do at least enough of sales to buy food, she tried everything to put herself back together.
She realised she is insane.
If she would be American she would call this time of her life spiritual awakening and made lots of money out of it. She’s working on it.
She saw Dark Goddess, she smelled the devil, she had prophetic dreams, she enjoyed the kingdom of heaven within for hours, she had episodes of being super clairvoyant, she saw the promise of divine feminine and masculine coming together in the sky and creating the new earth. Kundalini experiences, yeah, not her favourite thing in the world but still kinda fun hanging out with Ganesh and Buddha while light is flashing through your body and it feels like you are going to die.
She came in touch with coaching and realised this is her dream career. She could finally be paid for what she was doing for free all these years (people almost always pay her a drink because she is somebody that really listens to them, understands them and gives them life-changing feedback). Because she is born with it. She got into every course she could or couldn’t afford to learn even more. Still does. She is happy that what she loves and is naturally good at and cannot stop learning and researching about is now her career.
And she learned that she is not meant to work hard, but is here to provide people with guidance. If they ask her. Thanks Human Design. She always knew that but thought she is crazy, because everybody was preaching hard work to her.
She wrote this on her behalf, speaking about herself in 3rd person like narcissists do (even though she kinda doesn’t believe in narcissism) and she is going to stop now because she is starting to think how to thread in how freaking amazing and high evolved she is and how you must work with her in order to have more fun in life).
She is brutally honest (she reads you) and also one of the kindest and the most sunshiny person ever (she sees the best version of you). Both of these qualities make most people uncomfortable, but those who are willing to live on a whole new level will pay her big bucks to have a chance to speak with her. Can I get an amen? A men! Btw, she works with men and women and transgender.
Message her.
Anita Pukšič
I laugh on the inside, with a smile on my face, Pulaski at night on my ears, on repeat, dreams I dream long times ago coming into my memory and fading away.
I look pigeons at the neighbor’s roof. I wonder why morning or evening mist sometimes smells like an incense in a church.
Mmmm, this is why I woke up early.
To meditate. To make my art. To observe. To laugh. To listen to Pulaski at night on repeat.
.
“Let me wake up ten minutes earlier,” I said to my boyfriend. He secretly changed my alarm, because he wanted us to wake up at the same time. “I want to be alone in the kitchen in the morning, to make myself coffee without your mother asking me if the reason I woke up so early is to make you a sandwich.”
“Tell her next time that you woke up so early, because you have work to do, like the rest of us. She will be pleased to hear this.”
.
When I was six year old, I meant to brush my teeth, but I couldn’t get the toothpaste out of the tub. I took a razor that was lying there on washing machine and cut the tub. Plus my finger. The blood came out. I needed a plaster. What if mum will be angry at me when I come to her for a plaster? ‘What were you doing?!’ She will be mad. What story should I come up with? What happened to me?
Hmmm, but what if I tell the truth? I did nothing wrong. Why would I lie?
I decided that day that I won’t lie anymore. That I’m gonna speak the truth.
I broke this rule a few times in my teenage years, but otherwise is still something I live by.
Sometimes I don’t speak the truth because sometimes I rather stay silent.
That day, when I was around six and told my mum the truth, I realised that truth really does set you free. It was such a light feeling. I felt relieved I don’t have to make up a story and waste time trying to not get caught on a lie.
.
This morning in the kitchen I stayed mostly silent.
How to explain to 60+ somebody, who lived the life as she was taught, that I choose to live the life in another way? How to tell her that by me choosing differently, I don’t try to make her wrong?
.
I didn’t say I woke up earlier because I have to work.
I woke up earlier because of myself. I woke up earlier to make my art before anything else. I woke up earlier to have time for myself before anything else.
I woke up earlier to work on my art, which isn’t even work. It’s sitting here, typing the words. Looking at the distance, observing blocks of thoughts falling on it’s place. Going with the flow. Not even knowing what will come out of this. Not even knowing exactly what am I trying to say.
.
What am I trying to say?
Ah, I laugh at myself.
There is no one way. I don’t have the answers on how people should live. Let them live.
If my boyfriend’s mother thinks preparing a sandwich to her man in the morning is love in action, all I can do is let her live her way, let her live her version of love. It’s her life. Her art.
.
This is what I was trying to say. Not to have a point to prove. I just wanted to talk about art.
How much I love art.
I love how my perceptions of the world are changed through it.
I love how some other person put their life, their thoughts, their love, their emotions, their observations, their creative energy into a piece of work that expands my horizons.
I love how I don’t get it.
Oooh, I love how sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I cannot think. My body-mind goes blank. I feel spacious. There’s more space around me and I float in it. And then I expand myself again.
Sometimes there are no words to find. Like that time, when I was driving with those crazy people I currently work on a project with.
She was driving her car with green leather gloves on, like she came from some movie. Who drives the car with gloves on?
He put on a CD with fucking Bruckner and we were listening to it at a full volume.
The landscape I know so well and love so much was passing by.
I felt grateful to share the experience of driving in a car, through beautiful landscape, listening to classical music with other human beings.
It was that deep rich sense of gratitude that you can almost touch. The feeling of gratitude you feel when you live one of your dreams, when you experience it in your body.
The music kept on playing and my sight went from the outer landscape to my inner landscapes (where is the border, anyway?). The sound was going through my stomach, through my womb, through my arms. I was crying. ‘Why do you cry?’ I asked myself. ‘I don’t know why, I just cry’.
It was something beyond thoughts.
And it was beautiful. And so real.
“There seems to be a perception of thinking that when you are talking about something real you have to either tone it down or make it look a bit grey. I always think that you can have great truth in great beauty – the two things go naturally together.” – Paolo Sorrentino
I love how art of somebody else influences me. I love how in art of somebody else I find myself. I love how understood I feel by it. I love how I find myself and upgrade myself through it. I love this sex of minds, that spiritual-sexual-natural-life (isn’t it all the same thing?) energy exchanged that takes place through art. I love how I take my pleasure out of it.
I love how I fall and rise in deeper sense of beauty and truth through art.
I love how rich I feel thanks to art.
I love how my walk through the fields is art itself. It’s something so beautiful. So rich with nature. So rich with thought forms of my mind that finally get enough space to be. So rich with inner peace and stillness. So rich with excitement. So rich with beauty. So rich with truth that I yet don’t know but can sense it. Haha, I am trying to explain it, because I am trying to share with you, this piece of my life that is pure art, but as I am explaining it, I am kinda losing it, like water slipping through my fingers.
Maybe we don’t need to share all of our thoughts, all of our truth, all of our art.
Maybe sometimes is enough to just enjoy it.
Maybe sometimes is enough to be an art, an artist and my own audience and have it all for myself. Just like god.
.
It’s time for me to take a walk on the wild side, to experience those fields on a whole new day, on a whole new level once again.
“Happy Birthday,” she said. “What do you wish for? Probably a job?”
“No, mum, I don’t want a regular job.”
“But this way you would have a regular income and not be without money like you are.”
Akward silence on my site.
“Okay, we won’t talk about that.”
Thanks god, I don’t want to talk with you about that.
And then she started talking about how she forgot her phone in a garage yesterday and how did she find it, or something like that, while I was searching web for the best option for us to go to Vienna on 31st of May, for the Vienna Philharmonic Sommernachtskonzert. Because I know she wants to experience this and because I want to experience this, because it’s gonna be epic fun and beauty and because I am so grateful to her that she enjoys classical music and that through her joy I fell in love with it too.
But I’m not sure if she is gonna be able to go, because she has a fucking regular job in which she works quite often on Saturdays and Sundays, yet she is still afraid to ask for two days off. Gosh, I am getting a bit pissed of here at my mum and whole fucking system…
But let me share, what do I wish for, what do I want for my birthday, my life, by the next birthday of mine…
I want to keep on working the way I want, with the people I want and who appreciate me and see my genius.
I want my mum to sit down with me someday and I want us to have a great conversation and I want her to see me for who I really am. For a genius that I am, for a peacemaker, for a person who speaks the truth, for a person who is daring greatly and isn’t afraid to show the world her shine, her tears (I’m crying like crazy now), her holy rage, her deepest love and compassion, her beautiful mind and a wild soul. I want my mum to see me and hear me and love me and stop caring about what others think about me and about her as mum, I want her to stop being ashamed of me and herself, when people ask her if I have a job already. I want her to tell them proudly that her daughter doesn’t have a job, that she has a life.
I wish that I keep on following my version of success. And in my version I have enough time for myself, for people I love, for long walks in nature, for playing with my dog, for consuming quality art and for diving deep into the dark light of my own consciousness. I am successful already by my own definition.
I wish I wouldn’t worry anymore about anyone elses opinion of who I should be. Not even my mums. I wish I would be so sovereign in my own being, in my own nature, in my own true essence, that I would follow it, live it, without hoping for others to approve of me and my actions.
I wish I would trust 100% that by doing what is best for me, I do best for everyone else. By being healthy as a particle, as one cell on this planet, I am taking care of everybody by taking care of myself, by being the best expression of me.
I wish I wouldn’t shy away and turn my light off, when men in the streets look at me and perceive me as an object of their desire. I wish, that I knew that because someone else perceive me as an object, that doesn’t mean I have to perceive myself the way others perceive me.
I wish I would stand in my power no matter what.
I wish I would be happy and that my predominant vibe is the vibe of inner peace, no matter what is going on. I want to expand into greater and greater peace. I want my inner queen and king to rule my inner kingdom of heaven with peace, unconditional love and infinite intelligence.
I wish I would paint those paintings I see bubbling up in me. I wish I would blow away all those opinions of what is art and what is not and just create because of the pure joy of creating.
I wish I would stop trying to find a label for myself, who I am and what I do. Writer? Coach? Painter? Poet? Fashion designer? Blogger? I am all of it and none of it and so much more. I am a fucking paradox in one person. I am black and white. Yin yang and tao itself.
I am born spiritual, I am born psychologist and philosopher, I am born artist, I am born as a space holder for peace that is unfolding on this planet.
I am born with desire, greed, ambition and hunger and I am using it in the way that serves me and everyone else.
I wish I would love me. All of me.
I wish I would let go of all the resentments that I still carry around, because I love myself so much that I don’t want to walk around with those arrows in my heart.
I wish that my inner girl, my inner child, is always proud of me, happy that I turned out into a grown up that didn’t forget the truth, into a grown up that let’s her inner child’s genius shine.
I wish that every time I look at myself in the mirror that I see the spark in my eyes, that beautiful spark that is there when I own my light and my dark at the same time.
I wish that when I show up somewhere, that people are happy to see me and I am happy to see them.
I wish the whole world feels like my home.
I wish that my heart feels like my home.
I wish that by this time next year my book is written and printed and I want to get notes from people, thanking me for writing it, because they finally feel like somebody gets them and they can be who they really are and be loved.
I wish I would see people as who they really are, I wish I would see their beauty underneath all masks and labels. I wish I would be always compassionate with the best in people and this way letting it shine.
I wish I would forgive easily and move on fast.
I wish I would always know, that I deserve the best, because I exist, that I don’t have to prove the worthiness of my existence with a statement on my bank account, hard work and how many important people I know.
I wish I would speak out the greatness that is within me, I wish I would speak my truth, I wish I would blow away all the fake modesty, all the ways I am making myself smaller, so that people would love me and I wouldn’t end up alone.
I wish I would blow all of this away and let myself shine my true self and be grateful for all the amazing people that love me for who I am, and let go of trying to prove myself to people who enjoy to see me fail, so they can be right about their perception of me and their pessimistic outlook on life.
I also wish to make shit tons of money my way and as the revenge love all those people who didn’t believe in me, “You see how good I am, bitchez?” 😀
I wish to stop taking myself so seriously and I want to laugh at myself when I fall into importance trap games those so called grown ups so much like to play.
And I also want friends that would prepare me a surprise birthday party.
This is what I want for my birthday, mum. And I wish I could tell to you how fucking grateful I am that you bore me, because I love this life so much and I see so much beauty in the world, and I receive so much love from the world everyday and I give so much love everyday and I wish I would open myself up more for even more love.
I wish you would see you raised a beautiful human being and that you didn’t fail as mum.
And you said you wish me that my secret wish would come true… my secret wish is that I could sit with you, my family, behind the table, having Sunday lunch and that I would actually feel as a part of the family. I wish I could share with you bits of my life, about what I do, what I work at, I wish I could share my successes and joy of life with you and you would be happy for me, even if you don’t really get it. I wish you would at least try to get it. With an open heart.
