A future me will be proud of me

A future me will be proud of me.

A future me will be grateful to me in this moment.

I woke up with pain in the neck.

I felt a bit sick.

Pain in the neck is still here. I feel a bit less sick as I am typing this.

I made myself a coffee. Turned on computer. Took my dog out to pee.

I meant to stretch my body. I did a bit. While watching livestream from Katrina Ruth, where she talked about not letting your bullshit and drama that is going on around you be bigger than your dreams. I heard her talk about this many times. But today it hit me straight to the heart.

After a livestream I went straight to my Patreon page, edit it a bit and hit publish.

Patreon is a page where all kinds of artists publish their work and people who value their art pay them per creation or monthly fee and this way both sides are happy. Artists get paid and supporters regularly enjoy the work of their favourite artists, because the artist can actually focus on their craft instead of doing the shit that pays the bills and kills their souls.

So, I hit publish.

Went with my dog to school. He loves it so much.

And now I am here, in my grandpa’s kitchen typing this. Grandma is in the hospital, for almost two weeks already. A woman that didn’t go to the doctor for more than 20 years. But now she’s there.

Today is her birthday.

And grandpa is home alone. Well not anymore, ’cause I am here. He has dementia and someone has to be with him most of the time or else he makes something stupid.

My mum is going crazy. Working everyday, going to grandma, then taking care of grandpa. Sometimes I come to grandpa in the morning. Sometimes my uncle or aunt. Often kind neighbors. My mum feels guilty because neighbors are helping. How could she ever pay this back, she asks, with exhausted martyr type voice.

(Grandpa is eating sliced apples now and throwing half of it on the floor for my dog. I guess my dog don’t crave apples at the moment. I asked him (grandpa, not dog) if apples are good. “Good,” he says.)

I was afraid before, that I’m not gonna be able to write this post. Pain in the back, feeling sick, feeling all this mix of emotions because of my family. Wondering if world really need another aspiring writer. And then I read Katrina’s post on not feeling worthy, not feeling good enough, yet still pressing play. And I cried.

And I decided it’s enough. I’m not gonna die with my dreams buried inside of me.

I don’t want voices of my past or voices of others, or daily drama, or whatever be more important that voice of my soul.

And even if I am not confident enough,

even if the voices will still haunt me and tell me I am not good enough and that nobody cares about what I have to say,

that I am too young or that my experiences don’t matter,

I’m gonna show up for me and what I love doing the most.

Writing and talking about all of these things I find important at the moment.

So if you want to join me on that path, I welcome you to visit my Patreon page, subscribe and buy me time for writing for as little as $1/per month or more.

I know it’s gonna be worth it. And I’m gonna go to deeper psychological and philosophical topics there, most of it will available only for Patrons, because as you may noticed, with my writing, I give a lot of personal examples and therefore I don’t always feel comfortable sharing everything with public. Not because I would have something to hide (but I certainly feel this way at moments), but mostly to protect identity of other people.

Imagine that things that I will share for Patrons only will be like things I only share with my soul-mate friends.

Go to patreon.com/anitapuksic  and become a patron.

And I’m going to cook something for my grandpa now (:

P.S.: If you wonder what is going to happen with 3 Ptice, my brand with ecofriendly accessories…I don’t know yet for sure. For now I’m gonna keep it, as one of the income streams, because I still enjoy it and I’m not ready to completely let go of it yet (after putting 5 years of energy in it, it would feel like leaving a relationship). I also really like to paint while listening to educational/business/coaching lessons and podcasts. And when people pay full price for products I am still able to sneak in some writing, so that can be a good support…

Thank you for reading!

Love,

Anita

patreon.com/anitapuksic 

 

 

 

Scream

Yesterday I cried. Again.
The anger was bubbling up in me.
After a day well spent painting on the tote bags, where I found my inner peace again…
I started feeling like I still can’t.
Can’t just be me and show what’s inside of me and be loved.
And it feels stupid writing this again.
I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again.
Fighting with voices in my head, that say who cares what’s inside of you.
Get a real job. Act responsible. Grow up already. Who do you think you are, thinking that you could be a writer, thinking that you could be artist, philosopher, thinking that you could just be you and have a place in the world?

And it’s all I ever wanted. For all of us. For the whole world. I have this core belief, that if we could all just do what we love, that the world would work perfectly. Because we all have such diverse interests. It surprise me again and again in a positive way, that somebody likes things and want to do things and is interested in things that I don’t give a single fuck about. And I want them to do that thing! It’s one of my favourite things, when I see people light up when they talk about what they really want to do. I enjoy their joy like it’s mine, even if they talk about something that I don’t dream of doing.

And this now makes me feel alive. Putting those words on the screen. I like how that text editor font in wordpress reminds me of typewriter font.
I felt alive yesterday when I was painting with black ink whatever came out of me and even though I thought I’m gonna mess it all up, I saw the beauty in that mess once I put it on the canvas.
It was like another thing I just love. I have this special ability that people tell me things that they feel ashamed about, little secrets that they don’t tell nobody else. And I just love how I see beauty in their mess. How much peace I feel. How much love I feel for them. I feel like “Darling, don’t you see that you are too hard on yourself? This little mistake you made is nothing, it doesn’t make you any less beautiful, it doesn’t make you any less lovable, it doesn’t make you any less worthy of my friendship. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of the all of the love there is in the world.”
Sometimes I laugh at people telling me their problems. Like really laugh. From my heart and my belly. I see the stories they are telling me like I am watching a movie. And through that laugh I laugh at myself and my dramas just as much. And I see it all as beautiful at those moments.

Human life. Whole human beings.

With whole specter from depths of despair to to that enlightened state when you see everything as perfect and as love.

Ahhhh. I feel so good already.
But back to screaming and crying.

I would probably forgot about it, if it wouldn’t be for my boyfriend.

Who has a stable job now, a thing that everybody around him wanted for him… yet he was moody in the morning.
“Yes, I go to work, I bring the money, yet I hate it. Every morning.”

I see his soul screaming.

As I felt yesterday in the evening my soul screaming, my inner child raging from the inside, screaming at me to fucking let it out already!!!

Do what you want already!!

And even though I am kinda doing what I want, there’s that mind full of chatter, full of rules, full of voices of the people from my past and present, who taught me how I should live.

And I had this probably one hour long silent scream yesterday. With tears streaming down my face. I screamed and and I was tapping myself (EFT) and I cried.
It came to the point, when I wasn’t crying just for myself anymore… I was crying for everybody. For whole history of women. For all the children. For all the men. For the Mother Nature. I was crying for all of us wild beings, who were put into a fucking mold of religious rights and wrongs.

I was crying for all the victims of the Christian religion. I was crying for myself that I’ve been baptized in this shit without my permission.

I was crying for everybody who has been told that there is something wrong with them at their core and that they need to do something they don’t want to be saved.

Ahhhh.

Okay, that’s it for now. I will probably continue writing on this topic.
Now enjoy my hand painted tote bags. And send me a message, if you want one for yourself.

Love, Anita

1/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

2/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

3/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

4/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on

5/5: It started with anxiety. I wanted to paint but all the things I usually paint seemed boring to me at that moment. I wanted to paint with black ink. Voices in my head started saying, “you are going to mess it all up again”. And then I was like fuck it, just throw it all out. And in just a few minutes I started to feel amazing. Even so, that I was dancing while preparing myself a lunch later. And the hours flew by and I painted 5 bags and at the moment they are my favourite series ever. I feel peace when I look at them. #arttherapy at its best. Each one is only one made and won’t be available again. All of them are handpainted. Price 35€. Free worldwide shipping if you pay with paypal. Send me a message if you want it. Anita @3ptice #totebag #uniquetotebag #ecofriendly #wearbleart #transformation #artherapy

A post shared by Anita Pukšič – 3 Ptice (@anitapuksic) on